[after locations are made available, she's changed into a more casual outfit than the sexy angel dress, and can be found most of the rest of that evening at the bar.]
No wine, really? Ah, well.
[she will order a mixed drink and raise the glass to whoever is sitting nearby.]
A toast! How about to death being unexpectedly twee?
matching obligatory fit check instead of sexy angel costume! though at least now i can mention that yves was probably covered in bandages beneath his angel costume earlier so it wasn't even that scandalous. if nothing else, it just shows that the lace half mask he was wearing wasn't just part of the costume - it's an outfit staple. yay!
he has a mug of beer himself and automatically clinks it against hers ]
[ yves will just hop right over the counter and get them both more drinks, looking at home as a bartender. this time, he'll match whatever shadowheart gets.
he smiles a little at her caveat ]
You can ask me anything. I don't mind.
[ his tone becomes more serious, though notably not sad ] I walked into a fight knowing I'd probably die in the process. It was just the most certain way to make sure my... opponent would die.
[neither adjective was entirely a compliment, anyway.]
I suppose you must have felt responsible for him, if he was a friend. Even so. Most people value their life too much to risk it, even to stop something terrible from coming to pass.
I think... there's gray areas. Even though I made the decision I did, it's not like I don't have regrets for what I didn't accomplish in my life. For those I left behind.
But I think you're right that at some point, the scale has to tip on one side or the other. I didn't want to die, but I was willing to.
I secured a chance for the rest of the country to do better, so now it's up to them. Though I guess that is a privilege in being dead - not dealing with the aftermath.
I suppose that's true. If you could return, would you?
[it's still saturday but also resurrection is so common where she's from, you can just pay a skeleton man $100 and come back to life as many times as you want.]
Lady Shar, the Nightsinger. She is the patron of the darkness and of secrecy and loss. While most fear the dark, like children, those who follow Shar embrace it. We don't hide in it, we act, unburdened by the illusion of safety and false comforts. We destroy the corrupt and lend solace to the sick and grieving.
[the general vibe of her saying this all though is like someone knocking on your door and trying to give you literature, it doesn't feel off the cuff at all.]
Ah... That sounds nice - to have someone on the side of those who are struggling. Then... I hope that if you've been able to spend so much of your life in service of her, she can recognize it. Then maybe she can provide some of that solace to you, too.
The Sharrans took me in. I was an orphan, I didn't have anywhere else to go. So I have always only wanted to become a champion of Lady Shar. And yet, it is more difficult than it ought to be, sometimes.
... you don't have to tell me the specifics if you don't want to. But if it matters so much to you, I do want to know.
That said, no matter what it is... that's a hard thing to experience no matter what. I'm sorry your faith can feel like it's testing your devotion, even when you want to give so much.
but yves frowns at that. it stings just to hear about secondhand ]
... I can tell you love her. Or at the very least, you want to show your love for the people who took you in, and in turn their goddess. Your goddess.
[ she didn't pull away earlier - so he'll just lightly set a hand on her shoulder again ]
I still think it's... okay, to not want to give someone everything. Or if you do, and they might think it's not enough... that doesn't mean they're right.
Your efforts are meaningful. I don't want you to think you're not enough for anyone.
[love is maybe not exactly the right word for either, but it's not not the right word. he does hit the nail on the head, though. she doesn't want to give everything. she wanted one thing for herself, and that was too far.]
... Thank you, Yves. I don't think anyone has said something like that to me for a long time.
[she's exploring the lighthouse, catching herself at the top when she realizes that the door is locked. but at least she'll find a place to sit up there so she can watch the ocean. if someone comes by, she'll wave down.]
...It's locked up here, but the view is still nice.
That's when my friends went off the deep end. [ he'll look back out into the ocean and take a deep breath in with the next breeze ] But I loved my hometown a lot, even up to that last moment.
[ and then, like he's remembering something now: ]
Are you going to take their offer, Shadowheart? To go back to life. I thought of you when they mentioned it.
[ THIS CAN ALSO BE TUESDAY IF YOUR LOVE ARROWS WEAR OFF IDK
well everyone's getting The Afternoon i'm sorry someone said that it's yves' holiday and it's true so we must all celebrate. he's carrying along a heart balloon and a bouquet of flowers, looking delighted when he sees shadowheart. ]
Shadowheart! Isn't this place fun? Would you like some flowers to share with Anders?
[ he offers the bouquet out to her, it's a bunch of purple lilac ]
he seems to realize this but he does not fully realize he's being toyed with, but even if he did then his answer would still be the same. he pulls back and nods very seriously ]
I'm sure they are. If love is something you want, then I'm sure it's something you'll receive.
I'm not always proud to admit it... but I think I do want to be loved—but falling short of that, I'd like everyone to experience whatever love comes their way.
Well, not force, obviously but - I would say you're almost absurdly eligible. You haven't tried simply asking someone on a date?
[90% of this cast would say yes...]
Or is there another issue? Afraid they won't like what's past the surface? [maybe that's too personal to ask someone, but as fears go, it's certainly a common enough one. and an easily understandable one.]
yves looks a little sheepish at that, a bit embarrassed at her kindness, but he does offer a smile ]
It's nice of you to say so. But well, I've dated before... it's just never ended well.
[ he'll go to reach for one of the heart-shaped balloons just to hold it, and then acting like affection week never ended he'll hold out his hand for her so they can just walk together ]
Partly because they think they can like me, and end up afraid of or bothered by me.
[ :) affection week is every week... he looks pleased by this, expression brightening up for a moment as they walk along the market ]
I don't think I could ever be afraid of you.
[ but he'll look thoughtful for a moment before answering ]
People thought I was cursed—sometimes they still do. I was caught in a fire when I was younger, and the scar that was left behind was... strange. [ phantom of the opera ass ] And the island is already superstitious.
[superstition doesn't really surprise her, nor does cruelty. but there's something about hating a child only for having a scar that's especially awful.]
... maybe it was. But I think people do what they can to protect themselves, especially on an island where our lifespans were already so short. A cursed or possessed child could be as terrifying as a demon.
[she does think he has a backbone. i mean, he told her he died trying to kill one of his friends.]
The Sharrans don't really believe in love. [sorry.] We pledge ourselves to Shar, and consider those sorts of bonds to be a distraction from the greater purpose.
[is she though? the question just makes her look sad.]
I'm not sure it is. Or if it is, that I'm able to. [...] The reason I'm here is because I defied Shar. I became weak to the influence of other people, and I - I wanted to know about my past more than I wanted to follow her command. And I thought she would discard me for what I did, but then there were so many signs that perhaps she hadn't given up on me.
If she sees something in me worth saving after that, it's hard not to think maybe I should try harder.
She's not the only one who can see something in you worth saving. I know you've been dedicated to her your whole life, but... could you not find salvation somewhere else? In someone else? Without having to give up on connections or your answers.
[ his questions are sincere, if concerned. ]
I do think I'm biased. [ he's willing to acknowledge it ] But... I think the choice is ultimately yours, Shadowheart.
today the clouds have swirled into the shape of a field of pitch black lycoris flowers, and yves is no longer in a pathetic little ball somewhere. instead he's walking among them in small paths, hard to see from afar but clearer when you're up close, and he truly looks a mess. his eyes are red and he's wearing an expression that can truly only be called heartbroken.
he's so lost in thought that he doesn't hear anyone approach. ]
[ah here he is. she thought about sad boy locations and finally stumbled on this one. she has purple and black smoke patterns blossoming on her skin as she frets a little.]
it seems to take a second, but he does look up at the sound of his name. when his gaze focuses and he sees shadowheart, he nods once. takes a second to find his words. ]
... I'm here. [ a little weak, a little dazed ] I think I'm still...
[this is the downside of loving this deeply and this openly, she thinks. this is why shar teaches to embrace loss. all of this feeling only leads to the same place in the end.
... there was an attack on the orphanage he grew up at by the Royal Guard. He died defending it, and protecting who he could. It was four years ago, for me.
[ there's a big sigh at that ]
I didn't think much about Heaven because I didn't think I'd end up there. But I thought if it existed... it'd just be a place where I could see my friends again.
So... I guess this place was Heaven-like for two weeks.
[ lucas is still here, and yves has already made so many more friends he's so grateful for but... it's hard to fill a void that a best friend leaves behind ]
... I won't do anything reckless. If his soul's lost, we don't know I'd go to the same place. I'm not looking to die for no reason.
[ but she already knows - that if there's a reason, he's also not afraid to ]
... but it's not because I don't care what anyone here thinks. I don't want to upset any of you, either. So... it's hard for me to know what to do, even if I know I don't need to decide right now.
That's what I'd say. There's no reason to decide now. Something unjust happened to him, and at the least, maybe we ought to see this through and find out why and make sure wherever they are, they're safe.
[but if at the end he doesn't want to go back, that's his business.]
I think Gamaliel said... we can see if anyone was behaving differently earlier, if there were maybe signs someone could be affected. What Jing Yuan said on Tuesday was different from what he said on Saturday. So maybe... Wednesday or Thursday?
But that requires us to know each other really well...
[where's yves hanging out after trial. she can be anywhere really, but unless he's sad in a cave again she's likely sticking around the general area near trial and the mansion, looking very worn out.]
At first he seemed to be saying he'd done it for an apple, and then it was less clear. [and i haven't got that far in my pc with hawke so i still don't know.] If it were for an apple, would that really be alright with you? Simply because he'd done it for love?
I think in the end, all these choices are going to be painful in one way or another. It'll only be moreso as the weeks go on and we don't have any signs of this stopping.
Should we make a plan to just always head out for drinks after?
[ he is trying to be just a little light-hearted ]
I don't know that we'll ever get satisfaction of any sort from these trials. But if their souls are missing or lost somewhere, that's something we can try to affect.
Then let's make that the plan. I won't go anywhere, as much as I can control it.
[ and maybe somewhere in there is an apology for his actions earlier... but at least the intention to not repeat them ]
But... you're right. I know the angels are looking. Whatever I can do to help, I plan on it. Adolphe doesn't seem the type, but I do think he gets lonely easier than you'd think.
[she's not upset about earlier. she couldn't judge someone for seeing what life has to offer and seeing what heaven has and deciding the latter is more worthwhile. just don't throw it all away for toxic old man yaoi.]
yves just laughs a little bit at that, even as he takes a sip of his wine. it's a little weak, given how little he's laughed this weekend... but he is trying ]
I'll just harass him more next time we meet.
Everyone's been reminding me that his soul's just lost... not gone. So... I'll count on that.
[ somewhere in the new areas, you might encounter a familiar face—sort of! yves is looking around with curiosity, but his face is... maskless? where there is normally half a mask, there is just clear, umblemished skin. though the more you look at him, you might realize that his eyes are... different. the center of his pupil has an unnatural cyan glow to it, and his smiles no longer reach his eyes. as though the heart of the emotion is no longer accessible to him. ]
You're very open-minded compared to others on the island...
[ sounding a little impressed but he just nods ]
Relivers normally do not possess all the same range of emotions at the original... I'm afraid that I've lost all feelings of friendship that the original might've held so dear. [ said very clinically, not mournfully ] Though he died some time ago, and a number of his friends already passed to begin with.
I think Relivers normally have a stronger sense of self to be attached to the one who created them but... I have heard so much about the original separately that sometimes he still feels apart from me.
I'm sorry to hear that you aren't the same as the original.
[but the rest of what he says sounds normal and fine.]
Yves is a person carrying such strong feelings of love and friendship. That sort of powerful emotion can't last, I think. It will either destroy you eventually, or you must destroy it within yourself.
I wondered if maybe he was different, though. So it's a shame not to see it play out.
I think he got destroyed from it. [ helpfully! as if to offer a conclusion ] After all, he died from self-sacrifice... even if it led everyone else to salvation.
[what a week! there's bloody people to chase, unless you're on cyoa 2 and this is before that, but afterwards, she's just sitting and having a drink. come join.]
Yeah, that was really weird. I wanted to be a Reliver for a long time, but never thought it'd turn out that way.
[ maybe he should've considering how emotive he is. but also he'll reach for her hand? just to gently catch her fingers with his, whatever hand she's not using to hold her glass ]
I'm missing a lot of parts of my life. But I've been away from the Sharrans for some weeks now, and I felt like... we've discussed it. I've not always found it easy to obey or to truly have faith, and I've questioned my place there.
Except I can easily remember another life, one where I found my faith again, had all of those questions resolved.
[no one really knows her, knows everything about her. not even she does, and there is a lot of reason to believe that the parts of herself she knows very little about are bad.
but...she does want to believe what he's saying is true. she's found it so easy to come to care for people who are strangers to her, too. maybe knowing someone and all of the things they've done isn't as necessary as she thought.]
At the least, I don't think I want to change in the ways I'd have to.
Then... don't? [ a little lightly, and with a gentle smile. he squeezes her hand ] No one can make you do things you don't want to do, here. You can try out living for yourself a little.
I know it felt happy to live that way but... maybe there's multiple paths to happiness.
I have a good time being alive. I enjoy myself, and I like meeting people. I just... The more I talk it through, I don't think going back to my life as it was... would be what heals me.
[ a contemplative pause ]
... I don't really care about deserving Heaven, but I don't really wanna go back to life. I just... want to be with the people I care about, and at home, they've all already died.
So I guess... I'm trying to figure out where to go from here, but it's surprisingly difficult to find a reason to live.
I do understand that. [there are complicated reasons to want to live or die, but at the end of the day.] It does sound as though the problem may be less your desire to live and more your desire to return to a place where people generally treat you poorly, though.
[even if adolphe makes it more complex than that.]
I meant whatever he was. The version of you they made to take your place. Would you want to become someone else?
They started being nicer to me eventually... [ but. he does understand the overall point. he just huffs faintly at the question ]
You mean a Reliver... I actually wanted to, for a really long time. When you go through the process, all injuries disappear after all. I thought that was the only way I could find someone to love me.
[ even if it meant that he couldn't experience that feeling in return. maybe that was the real show of his desperation and selfishness ]
... I think we're both just learning the consequences of how far we'd go for love.
[ even if yves being a reliver was less of a choice in that specific situation, it's interesting to him to go through the feeling of it. or the... non-feeling of it.
and all the concern he gets from his friends after. ]
But if we're making requests... I hope you look for other options, too. [ and he'll bring their hands up, pressing a brief kiss to her knuckles ] I like watching you have fun here, teasing others and making connections that don't require sacrifice.
[she's not even sure how to put it into words. the spike of adrenaline and then the crash.]
It's easy to forget, for a lot of the time that we're in there. It feels good to realize what must have happened, like making progress or fighting back. And then at the end, there's someone to accuse, and the reality of how awful it is is like a surprise every time.
[ but he still laughs about it! annoying!! they make it to the bar and yves will just let go of her hand to go behind it, looking for a wine. as he does so, he speaks ]
Mm... I don't bring it up because I think it worries people, but this time I think it worried people in the other direction.
But... I don't feel pain. I haven't in years. So normally I don't get injured much because I am a good fighter... but when I do, it takes longer to heal because I don't notice when I re-open them. Dying from a fight to the death meant... a lot more to re-open.
[ and he walks on his injured leg without blinking, making it worse. like now. ]
[ he finds a bottle of wine and pours two glasses, offering one to her ]
.... it was a little after the fire. I still remember feeling pain during a few moments that followed. But I think... one day, after being rejected by so many people who I cherished...
Something in me just—broke.
[ oh trauma. but he says it so simply, because to him that's what happened. a failure to process pain after enduring so much of it.
letting go of these sensations that would crush him if he continued to feel them. ]
[she lets him pour the glass, but she just watches him, doesn't move to drink.]
Oh, Yves.
[it's funny, because what he's describing is something she was taught to believe in, to even hope for. other forms of happiness are an illusion, but shar can offer a path to transcend pain, to experience it so deeply that it no longer feels like pain. she did start to wonder, though, if this was nothing but a lie, an excuse, a carrot dangled to suggest there was a future in this path that didn't hurt.
it seems he experienced it, but it doesn't look beautiful, and it doesn't seem as though it actually freed him in any way from hurting.]
I think you may just feel it in a different way, but that's awful. I'm sorry.
[ yves thinks about it as he looks down at the bar counter. does he feel it in a different way? ]
... my heart does ache for people. I do get sad and disheartened. All other physical sensations are intact too.
[ as far as he knows, anyway. but he seems to hesitate for a second as he tries to figure out if he has the courage to say more. shadowheart has been so kind to him, and that is both the reason why he wants to trust her and the reason why he is so afraid to lose her if she decides he's too strange.
ultimately, he wants to hope. ]
But... one day when I was younger... I realized how badly I wanted to be loved. So I decided to try to cope by loving everyone, in hopes that someday someone would love me back. I know it sounds childish and bizarre but...
Ever since then, I let go of feelings of anger. Hatred. Contempt. Anything that might make me harder to love.
[ everyone always talks about how yves is so absurdly kind, to the point that it's insane.
and it is. he is insane - and severely traumatized. ]
I do think I'm an abnormal person. I don't expect anyone to say sorry for it. After all, I'm the one who's twisted.
[she does sort of already understand some of these things about him. that's why it hurt so much, to watch him offer his life to a man who took a person he loved from him. to be able to do that, with a smile, could simply mean being especially gracious and forgiving, but to her, it felt more that he'd tortured himself into a shape where his own feelings weren't allowed to matter.
she mainly just didn't realize that he knew he'd done that to himself.]
Well, I don't think what you're describing sounds like a good thing to do to yourself, but I don't think you're twisted.
[a bit hesitant, she doesn't want him to feel rejected by her, but she would be lying if she claimed she liked this.]
I think you're wonderful. But I'd still think so if you were a bit more angry or selfish or petty sometimes.
[though maybe it's hard to say that and know how true it is. of course it meant something to her, that he's always been willing to listen to her, always shown care towards her so easily, always saw a better side of her than she knew was there. she started to rely on his kindness, but if that kindness is only something he's forcing himself to show out of a desperate loneliness, how can she say she knows she would have felt the same way about a less open, less caring version of the same person.
the answer is probably only that you can't overthink these things. it isn't as though she didn't know there was something fragile and messy about who he is.]
[ the self-awareness is a double-edged sword. people are so kind here, to the point that it makes him want to believe it's true. that maybe if he was normal, he still would've been loved. but... it's so easy to doubt. even when he doesn't want to. if he still felt things like hatred and contempt, and turned that against people who harmed him, would he still be worth loving? isn't it safer to exist here, as an oddity of a person, knowing that this is how he receives the care he wanted so badly? ]
... thank you. [ it means something that she'd say so, even if just to comfort him. he'll reach out for her hand again, just to hold. then, just to try to lighten the mood: ] I have been told I get a bit pouty sometimes, you know.
[ but even that's only playful—only enough to be charming or endearing ]
But... I don't know if I can change anymore. Sometimes I want to, sometimes I don't. I just thought...
After all you've shared with me, and how much care you've shown me... I wanted you to know.
You're not at the top of the list of anyone I'd consider morose.
[the hand is okay. she'll smile, letting him lighten the mood, but she feels sad for him.]
Thank you for telling me. [she tries to think of what to say. she'd like to reassure him, but the question is whether he can ever even really believe the kindness he's shown in return, when he knows how much he had to change himself this much to receive it.]
Changing is hard. And you don't have to try. But if you did choose to try, you would not lose my friendship.
[ it's reassuring to hear as is, even though it can be hard to believe. yves looks thoughtful about it, and ultimately he knows he can't give an answer right now.
what he can say with all sincerity is: ]
Thanks. Really. I really do treasure you, you know.
[welcome to the memory zone... i'm throwing us right into it. she opens a door and they appear in the funhouse.
(you can watch this video for visuals / atmosphere if you like).
The memory is unfocused, hazy around the edges, something that happened long ago and is half forgotten, as though some of the glass on the funhouse mirrors is fogged or hazy. Maybe if you explore down a particular path, more will come to light, but for now, you follow.
A little girl wanders the forest, lost and fearful. It’s a cool night, not cold, but enough to shiver from the wind. It is pitch black except for the full, bright moon overhead, but the trees here loom impossibly tall overhead, nearly blocking out the light. She’s obviously worried, but not afraid. She keeps looking up at the sky, checking the position of the moon, taking a certain direction. She chews her lip and looks uncertain with herself, and she’s cut and bloodied her face from a branch, but she keeps wandering.
There’s no way to tell why this child is lost here, whether she’s been abandoned or left here on purpose or if there’s some other reason. There are a few branching side paths that maybe reflect thoughts, memories of earlier that night, of the reason, but Shadowheart - the real Shadowheart beside you - doesn’t choose to look that way, as she suddenly freezes in complete terror.
Bounding out from the woods is a large wolf. Impossibly large, really, imagined here the way it looked to the child it was looming over, much bigger and fiercer than her. The child is frozen as well. The wolf’s golden eyes are trained on her, fierce and dangerous, its teeth bared. As it pads slowly towards her, its ears press back and its tail swishes back and forth. Not even the posture of an animal hunting prey, but an animal itching for a fight, making itself an obvious threat.
Tears are rolling down the girl’s cheeks and she stumbles backwards, trembling. But then she realizes, behind her, is a woman in a mask, who puts a gentle hand on her shoulder.
And then there’s a path out of this section of mirrors, and a feeling like you must take it, you must leave this memory, because the only other direction to turn is down a dark, dark corridor and everything is telling you that you don’t want to go that way. Whatever memories continue on in that direction, they're hidden, and perhaps they should remain hidden. But Shadowheart is still frozen from fear at the sight of the wolf, so she has not yet left this memory behind.]
[ yves follows, and his guard remains up. he knows forests well, explored so many himself, and wolves were encountered enough times—though it's rare to see one so intentionally aggressive. he moves automatically to collect the child, but he's beaten to it by the woman. and only when she's gone does he look back over his shoulder and realize that shadowheart is also still so fearful.
he steps in front of her then, as if to approach her with a friendly face instead of a wolf, and slowly reaches out to take her hand as he'd done before. a light touch, one that can be rejected at any moment, but hopefully grounding.
softly: ] Shadowheart? Hey. I'm right here. I won't leave you alone.
[the touch does help. she lets out a breath she was holding.]
Sorry. I'm - the wolf - it's silly, but -
[she's fought demons, monsters, creatures far more powerful than this, but this wolf holds such a place in her nightmares. the mirrored walls reflect it; despite lacking memories of so much else, waking up night after night having dreamed of the wolf that was attacking her. her all-consuming fear, and the reminder to feel grateful to the people who saved her, no matter what else they did to her. wolves always remind her of that fear, she always freezes in terror when she sees them.
but they're still here in this memory, and unlike the dreams, it continues on without them. the woman takes the girl away, but her fear is not abated by this. she keeps turning her head, turning her so she won't see, as the other women in spears surround the wolf and pierce its body. the little girl winces at the wolf's horrible help, feeling sorry for it despite everything.
but she only sees it for a brief moment, before the woman in the hood and mask steers her away - that the wolf transforms back into a man.]
[ soft and reassuring, and he'll run his thumb over the back of her hand as he says it. he glances in the direction of everything happening—and he winces himself when the wolf is skewered.
as the transformation into a man comes, he does still put himself between the shadowheart he's with and that figure. he doesn't try to obscure her view, in case she wants to understand what's going on—but he does move automatically like he'd be able to do anything to protect her against mirror poltergeists ]
[she doesn't understand what's going on. or at least, she has barely more context for it than he does. her context is that it's not unheard of for people to transform into animals where she's from, she knows druids, she knows of people with curses like lycanthropy. but she doesn't have any idea why there's a person here. an elven man, older, with long dark hair. the resemblance is pretty clear, and he reaches for the girl, and he calls out a name - Jenevelle.
but then the memory is over; the girl is taken away, she doesn't see anymore, she doesn't see what happens to him, so the memory can't continue.]
[she swallows, holding his hand. this memory is over, there's not a way to follow it, exactly. they could go deeper, try to learn more, find out what happened later. but she's uncertain about it, afraid.]
I want to know who that was. But I'm not sure - there are things I'm not sure I want to know about.
[ softly. he runs his thumb over the back of her hand then and takes her hand into both of his to cup it gently. he looks around, as if trying to figure out the way to leave—but he can't promise they won't see anything else. these mirrors have a mind of their own. ]
... you can close your eyes, if you don't want to see it. I can't promise we won't hear or feel anything but... I can try to get us out of here.
[though she's a bit unsure about it - after all, as little as she might want to know, she hardly wants him to know things about her that she doesn't know. so she won't close her eyes, but she will follow.
they can leave this area. everything else from this time is hidden, forgotten, and anything to see is buried at the end of dark hallways. just flashes of things, memories. remembering the cloister where she grew up, being trained to say her prayers, her tongue always tripping over the words as she nearly said old prayers she could no longer remember. training, being observed like a specimen, harsh punishments whenever she failed.
they took prisoners sometimes. enemies, selûnites. the same man's face among them, but unremarkable. fully a stranger in her eyes.
but that's it - there's nothing else to see, and then they're out of this area.]
[ he'll hold her hand as he goes, taking the lead to try to get them out of there. he doesn't linger and for now, he doesn't ask questions. it's hard to feel like it would be alright to, when shadowheart was as terrified as she was of the wolf. shaken up to this extent.
still, these things do make him frown. to be treated like a point of observation rather than a person, and the punishments make his mouth pull downward. he keeps his hold on her hand relaxed on purpose, even though there's a tension in his shoulders like he wants to intervene.
the portion with the enemies is confusing, and the fact that she no longer reacts to that man... what is this?
when they're out and only then, he'll turn to her and tell her more than ask: ]
I'm going to hug you.
[ just a fair warning but
after all that, it just seems appropriate. so he'll be gentle about it, let her pull away at any moment if she wants but... he does bring her into an embrace ]
[it's less these specific things she was seeing and more what they represent - a period of her life that is basically unknown to her, where anything could have happened, even things she doesn't want to know about herself or things she wouldn't want yves to know.
but she nods, and will accept the hug.]
...I don't know who he was, but. They captured him, not killed him.
[only the next time she met him, she didn't know him anymore.]
Uruha mentioned you liked the little charm I made him...
[ so he'll bring out one that he made her too! a little charm for her phone. it looks like the purple stained glass flower he gave her when they were all decorating their rooms, but it's hand sculpted out of clay and glazed over so it's not as fragile as actual glass. ]
[ah... this ending. it does make her understand a lot more why he's tired, why he's unsure about going back. what even still is back there?
it's so much worse because she saw his cute pufferfish's memory of all of these people. what the hell.
she'll do what he did for her, take his hand to steer him away if he needs it.]
I doubt there's more you want to see there, is there?
[though it might be nice, at the least, if he could admit to himself he wasn't merely content to admire while other people destroy themselves for love.]
[ yves's gaze lingers on the mirrors—not on himself, dying of blood loss in the corner, but in the corner where he knows scien is having his last moments. his friend. the person who went mad from the same love that yves craves so badly.
when shadowheart takes his hand, he turns to her and offers a gentle smile even if it's also heartbroken ]
Maybe it's always easier, to think that way about such things - it would be a trial for any other person. I would feel for them, had it happened to them.
Yeah. It is. Because I think... people want me to be angry on my own behalf. I don't really... know how to do that though. Not anymore. Not since I decided I want to try loving everyone.
[ why did he rewrite his own brain chemistry this way ]
It's easier to be frustrated for others. Easier to be... reasonable, I guess, which is what people want me to be.
I suppose it must make you feel like a frustrating problem that we want to fix, which is not pleasant. [it admittedly doesn't sound nice, to have to deal with people's frustrations at how he reacts emotionally to his own life with his fucked up brain.]
When, really, it's not about your reaction. It's about what you think you deserve.
[ what he deserves... he's quiet, trying to think about that. what does he deserve? he knows what he'd like, but can he believe that's what he deserves? ]
... I guess I don't want to be treated cruelly, the same as anyone else.
Even if I can't bring myself to care much when it happens.
Maybe it's not so unusual. When someone is awful to me, I do get angry with them, but I don't feel surprised by it.
Even though my assumptions that people will be untrustworthy and cruel have often been incorrect... by assuming that's the norm, maybe that resignation is the same as not caring even if I do defend myself.
[maybe people like that should be at least treated with indignity for doing something worse than others do.]
[ he smiles faintly at that and—briefly looks down to make sure he remembers which hand is bandaged—and then offers her the left one! that one's only bandaged at the wrist ]
I know. Will you do me a favor and monitor me while I take a walk to somewhere warm?
I don't think you're meant to be dead and not alive. I think you've been holding yourself apart from some of what it is to be alive. It's not some fate you're consigned to.
[and it's to protect himself, mostly, because pain and grief is also a part of being alive, and from what she's seen, perhaps his is too intense for him to bear. but it's him, not some objective truth.]
Yeah... At some point, I was... possessed by something. The Unmaker? And I thought... I had to destroy everything, which included trying to kill my friends.
It made me think for a second... even though I couldn't remember it—that everyone who said that I was possessed was right. [ rubbing at his face, even though there's gauze on his cheek like he forgot already ]
Like I was always meant to be manipulated by Death to hurt the people I love.
[ well that sure was a trial. he'll give her some space to help carry richie to the hospital and do some fussing of his own, but then he'll hold his hand out to her ]
[she'll take his hand, though her mood is really rancid. this mounting wave of sadness has been catching up with her all day, no matter how she tries to run it off, but at least now she can just be furious, too.]
I know she would have been unsurprised, understood, but even so... It would be wonderful if seeing the best in everyone could change them, make them rise to it. But I increasingly doubt it.
[and if redemption is just a crock of shit, what are they even doing here.]
It depends on how much you think people need to be changed. I don't like what he did, but I also don't know his reason. And... it's okay, to decide that it's not worth it no matter what it is. I just think... people try very hard to rationalize their choices.
[ and can be resistant to change ]
Even still... I'm pretty sure Ellie still wouldn't have changed her outlook.
Sometimes, even if your ending is tragic... it can feel worth it, if you were able to reach even a few people that you love. Even just one.
[ hmmm. he'll pause in their walking then, taking both of shadowheart's hands in his as he looks at her ]
... I know that it can be hard to see through it in your grief. Your reasonable frustration and anger. I think you should feel all those things, because you still can, and that's another way of showing how much you loved Ellie.
[ things that yves wishes that he could still feel. ]
But I do believe there's still something better. One person shouldn't have the ability to steal your hope like that. He doesn't deserve the chance.
Then he doesn't get to be what tips you over the edge. Ellie wouldn't want that either. Her heart would break if she knew that she was part of what made you lose faith, even if she'd be so touched by how much you cared about her.
[ a gentle squeeze of her hands ]
I promise the world is better than whatever we're forced to endure on Saturdays.
[she's a bit embarrassed at this, but that's sort of the problem. it's hard to not feel embarrassed, to take these feelings seriously. how elysia and yves always sound so sincere saying these things is beyond her.]
Well, fine. I hardly want to break anyone's heart.
[ well yves's brain is broken from trauma and elysia is a bajillion years old so maybe the sincerity finds you that way—but regardless, he does really mean every word.
his expression softens with the agreement, even if he understands that trying to move forward from here is a tightrope walk. it is so hard to hope. ]
[ that makes him laugh then, a little bit of a lighter noise ]
If I could be anything like Ellie, then that's the greatest compliment I've ever received.
[ and he does seem to mean that too ]
The only thing I can say for certain is that she and I both definitely love you, and want to see to your happiness. If there's anything I want you to believe in, it's that.
[both of them showed her such kindness and somehow forced her to believe in it instead of rejecting it.
it's still not easy. there's a lot to her that even she doesn't know. and she knows it would mean something to him, if she could express herself back as easily, but she isn't used to this, she's a sharp instrument, and he feels so fragile that she's afraid to try.]
I wish for your happiness, too. I only wish I knew how to help you with your hurts as easily as you help me. I know you may not feel them, but that doesn't mean they aren't there.
[is he just running around reopening the emotional wounds, too, without noticing?]
to say that he's surprised is an understatement, and his eyes widen. ]
... is that what you think...?
[ and he'll give her hands a squeeze, gentle, mindful that his own are still bandaged and he doesn't want to bleed grossly on her ]
Shadowheart... I've remembered everything you've said to me. Every kind word and every push. I think I'm finally getting an idea of what everyone was saying to me, that I shouldn't be so quick to be apathetic to being gone...
But if I'm making any progress, you have to know that you played a large part in it. I know... I can be hard to comfort. [ as someone who processes his own emotional pain quietly or apart from others ] Even still, you've always been there for me.
[after the mini cyoa, she can be found at the bar. she will hold up her drink for a toast.]
To surviving another week.
[her mood is sad, still, but she's doing better, honestly. it was a rough weekend, and seeing the other side of it hasn't dispelled her worries, but she's trying to make the best of it.
anyway she thinks this is the drink honoring elysia but it's not, it's hanaki. so taking a sip and immediately coughing.]
[ shadowheart that really happened to you. yves truly exists in a state of vibes 98% of the time but his head emptiness happiness has toned down in response to her own sadness. still, there's nothing but affection from where he's hanging out with her ]
Did Gabriel finally mix something bad?
[ reaching out to place a hand between her shoulderblades and trying to pat her back?? ]
[so many of these drinks are bad. though the memorial ones are always safe. that was her mistake. anyway, she's coughing a wad of flowers into her hand - a mix of green and pale orangey ones - and then looking at that with disgust? the emotion is what the fuck.]
What did he put in this. [elysia did not deserve this tribute.]
Me too... I can't figure out why certain parts would disappear Ellie has a paragraph that's mostly blacked out I think it's describing what it's like over there
[well, if she were going to reform heaven, she would probably start by the less murder instead of the more parties, but she understands the sentiment.]
It seems that all of us felt more at ease, too, knowing for certain that the others are somewhere where they may be recovered.
I'd say.... Though it does make me miss them a bit too. I'd like to see them all... but Ellie would've been even more beautiful. She would've loved this.
Adolphe would've loved it less, but I think that's why it'd be fun to bring him along anyway.
she is in one of the rooms. she's been tended to by the non-wounded doctor, and is dressed in loose clothes to cover the bandages, so other than a bruise and some scrapes on her face, not much is visible.
her emotional state is pretty bad. disoriented, a little paranoid, definitely unhappy. but also something guarded has fallen back in place that she was missing before.
she does warm up to see him, though, even if it's a bit sad.]
It's really quite stupid, but in the backstory we were given, you were dead. I'm glad you aren't, even though it was also a world in which we were all children, so it is odd to think of it that way.
Ah... Well, thanks for letting me know and—I'm okay. So.... don't worry about that. [ reaching to take her hand again ] Your memories are okay then...?
[imagine she checks the top of the lighthouse first and then the bar. no, okay, weirdo. she decided between that midtrial and now that actually she's mad about it.
[ yea she should be mad about it! he's clearly still not over it. the bundle of emotions that were hard to parse in trial are clearer now. guilt, a sense of failure, and self-hatred. so far from his usual good vibes
[just lightly chiding. but going to sit. and sighing.]
I know it's even messier, now. [on the one hand, he was right. on the other hand, she still acted again, and if they hadn't caught akihiko, this would have been very scary.] But if anything, even though I think I understand, I wish you'd told someone else what you'd learned.
[he was not the right person to do this. on the other hand, she would personally feel rather cruel asking someone else to, even the ones like mizu and saber and wis'adel who seem enthusiastic.]
... I promised her I wouldn't. She was so scared, and asked me not to.
[ and there is that sense of guilt again, so strong. he doesn't regret what he did, because he does think he was right. but he hates that he had to break her trust to do it. that feeling of betrayal she'd felt—the echo of it sticks with him and breaks his heart over and over again. ]
I told her I'd ask the angels what we should do about it, under the guise of asking about last week. So I did.
I was told the same thing this week. I asked God if there was any way to avoid killing them, and the answer was rather definitive.
[but she understands. breaking that trust, that is the most painful part.]
It would have been nice to keep her trust in place, but... the real girl, the real version of her, would likely prefer her soul intact rather than her trust.
Frankly, I've spent much of my time this past week thinking through it could be who killed Zhongli. I know you've been doing the same. Laurence told me you were planning to try and see whether Claude was injured in some way.
[frowning at that, but it's a small pool that fits.]
And more than that, I have been thinking about what I would do, if I could find out for certain. If I did know, though, I don't believe I would have done any differently than what you did. Especially if the culprit is someone I care for, and some of the people on that list are people I care for very dearly.
The truth is, if you had brought it up to the group, we never would have reached a consensus on what to do in time.
Ah... we didn't get around to it this week. [ that injury check. what a week it's been! but... she's right otherwise. he has been trying to do that same search ]
... maybe we wouldn't have. [ agreeing, because there's a reason why he didn't announce that he was going to do it. most people had agreed with mizu's statement that sometimes a quick kill is better than execution, and he was one of them. that was all the sign he needed ]
I just wish I could've given her a gentler ending than that.
[a moment of pain and heartbreak, but maybe she's going to a place where those feelings can be healed.]
I think it would be a good thing, if you were to write her and apologize for breaking her trust. But beyond that, I don't know what more any of us could have done for her.
[she feels some skepticism at that. but it's fine. she will take some of her drink as well.]
Good. She may or may not forgive you, and that's her right. [which is not something she thinks he doesn't know, but - ] Meaning that if certain people do choose to forgive you, they have the right to choose that as well.
... that's okay. [ even if he feels unsure about it, like he does think he deserves worse ] I think... I'm not sure what I want. I don't want to be hated, even if I expect it.
But I also don't know if I can be forgiven so easily. [ frowns ] I'll... try not to be difficult about it.
[ yves looks a little tired like he hasn't slept well but who gives a shit about that! not me! someone ate what he wasn't supposed to again and the tattoos are just around on neon green text around his body glowing through his clothes because he dresses like a nun more than lucas does
- murdered more than one friend - left home country to ruin - in love with too many people - acts like a needy bottom when he's actually a switch
where are they. i guess it could be a train car. anyway he's approaching shadowheart a little seriously actually ]
Ah, just... [ he looks thoughtful for a moment before his expression gets harder to read ] I'm letting a few people know that I was able to pick an apple after Saturday. I don't know if the two yesterday were able to, too.
I chose the apple that could cure all illnesses, since Ramiel suggested it could work for the afflicted.
[ . . . ]
I think I was too late telling people this time, so I wanted to make sure I didn't delay it.
[ the tragic comedy of errors for claude is truly fucking insane thank god emotionshare is over ]
Edited (a premium paid and i use the same 2 icons in a row somehow) 2025-03-17 17:39 (UTC)
[probably not so quickly, but she definitely would have.]
When I said yesterday I thought I decoded Charlie's letter, the code spelled out his name. [i know you weren't here so anyway she said on chipper that she decoded a secret code in charlie's last letter but was writing back to charlie for confirmation, since the answer was kind of ambiguous.] And I wouldn't leave a friend to suffer that way any more than you would.
So don't apologize. I'm glad you found a way to help, one none of us had thought to consider.
... I think you're all stronger than I am. [ softly. because he can admit: ] I wouldn't have been able to. Not him.
[ yves hates himself for breaking firefly's trust. he probably wouldn't even be able to look at himself in the mirror if it was claude's. he's clearly experiencing a few complicated emotions, not sure what to do with everyone getting letters about claude, but they're all a little half-formed.
[ the hand helps. he takes it automatically, and takes in a deep breath to try to gather himself again. enough for a smile, and it is sincere. her obvious care does heal his heart ]
That would require him to fully comprehend how much I care, which I think he was too awkward to do sometimes. [ this is a roast but it's such a loving on, he is so fond ] But that's okay, that's what letters are for.
I just wanted you to know. Saber and Uruha know. I'm telling Monsieur Richie because I think he deserves to. And then I'm just going to tell Monsieur Lucas and Anders.
I don't really mind if anyone else knows, but I do hope it provides some hope for another option if two are afflicted again.
So true. [no that's our claude, a total dweeb.] Though I'm sure, from you, he couldn't be entirely oblivious.
[as long as we never catch two afflicted and have to choose which to save and which to kill :) ]
Understood. I agree with those choices. Would you mind if I told Mizu? He and I have been discussing what to do about the afflicted, and it would be good for him to know there are other options.
[like actually maybe it's best to have our most murderhands people aware of this fact.]
If you'd prefer I didn't, that's fine. I'll talk to him if a situation where it would be relevant comes up.
[ yves is so openly loving and claude really is so dense. but haha wow weighing lives in a murdergame? surely not.
he shakes his head ]
No, it's fine. I'm open to it. I trust Mizu, too. I don't think it's even a big problem if everyone knows it's an option, but I'd rather not cause ripples before we even need it.
Not that I have any specific person I would suspect of doing this, but it wouldn't be that difficult for someone to kill for an apple and then claim to be afflicted. The only reason no one would so far is because thinking they're afflicted would be more likely to result in their death.
well the fact that yves looks shocked probably lends to how much he just trusts people, but that's no surprise since he literally just believed it was self-defense until brimstone said otherwise ]
[she will just have some wine. but drumming her nails against the bar table.]
Well, I didn't particularly see an alternate timelines I liked the sound of. I've always intended to go back. I'll have to face Lady Shar, but I don't know if she would be any more likely to let me go if I went elsewhere.
[putting her hand out - the wound looks the same as it always has.]
Very good news. But either way, I have people I need to return for and things I need to accomplish. [...] I guess what I've hoped is that after all of that is taken care of, then maybe I could still see some of the others. I would hate for it to be goodbye.
I'll give you some of the bandages I carry around just in case...
[ he's a little quiet at the mention of seeing everyone again ]
... I guess we'll see what happens at the end of it all. I've heard different things but... I know what I'd like. I don't want to say goodbye to you, either.
well he didn't expect it, even so. he's so used to being the one to say i love you so easily but to hear it back surprises him, and he actually looks momentarily flustered before he just looks delighted ]
you know what's reliable? the bar!! yves will meet shadowheart at some point and with all his excess energy, he's already behind the bar and larping gabriel to look through the alcohol selection ]
What're you feeling today? Is there a drink good for reunions, do you think?
… I realized I get anxious, not being with the people who I selfishly think need me. Adolphe was the worst of it, but then losing Claude the way we did was hard.
[ so it was nice to be with them especially when he thinks they’re stupid (affectionate)
a beat ]
But then… when I was there, I was worried about everyone I left behind. I guess until today it felt like there was no real winning.
Ah, I'm afraid it didn't work. It was only an ordinary diary, once I got it. But thank you. You are very responsible, and also you just said you plan to do something chaotic. [so stop protesting innocence.] So what is it?
I'd love to tell you if I had any real ideas... I think I just accidentally end up in chaotic situations.
There was a location on the other side where you had to kiss someone in order to leave and somehow about eight of us managed to wander in at once. I think there's just something in the air that's absolutely bizarre.
[our beach is back! our beautiful beach. she has showered and changed out of whatever hideous outfit i forced her to be in and is instead wearing something simple and comfortable and sitting out on the beach.
sorry about breaking tradition but let's not go to the tavern tonight and say we did.]
[ yea might as well break tradition!! he's also finally not a maid, and he perks up when he sees her. he will go to join her and also hold out another paper flower, this time in the shape of a lycoris flower. the petals are black and red, somewhat resembling the ones in his halo and somewhat not. it's so goth even though yves is a golden retriever of a person ]
Your favorite! I'd love to—if there's any seeds, would you let me have some? I'd love to bring them into my own garden, too. It'd be a nice reminder, every time I tend to them.
This [ he points at the flower ] technically represents a cursed flower from my home, which would kill anyone who so much as bumped or plucked it. I obviously don't mean it as a curse, since it's something so dear to me...
We will find you some, then. [they cause another disease to spread across his island.] I always liked them, but never had much reason why. And then when I recovered a memory, it was of being a child and spending time in a cave where they grew.
It is nice to think that there are so many things like that - innate little preferences that have meaning all the same. [there are things that have a bad meaning too, but not everything.]
There really are these little things that make us, aren't there? Interactions or experiences that we carry along with us... My fondness comes from tending to these flowers with my grandfather.
And I do think that those things are enough to make them lovely, even against everything else.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
saturday zero
No wine, really? Ah, well.
[she will order a mixed drink and raise the glass to whoever is sitting nearby.]
A toast! How about to death being unexpectedly twee?
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matching obligatory fit check instead of sexy angel costume! though at least now i can mention that yves was probably covered in bandages beneath his angel costume earlier so it wasn't even that scandalous. if nothing else, it just shows that the lace half mask he was wearing wasn't just part of the costume - it's an outfit staple. yay!
he has a mug of beer himself and automatically clinks it against hers ]
Twee! Good word! At least we have beds and beer?
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clink!]
At least that, though the comforts only lead me to further questions and make me rather uneasy.
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a glance over at her glass ]
Is that what the drink's for? To quell some of the uneasiness?
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That in part. It has been a rather long day. I didn't much enjoy the dying part, either.
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Unexpected end?
[ but, to be polite, as an out: ]
Only if you want to vent about it.
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[she looks like she's considering it, and then looks back down at her drink. too mysterious, i'm afraid.]
I made a mistake, that's all. It shouldn't have ended that way.
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I know it doesn't change much... but I'm sorry.
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It doesn't change much, no.
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So should we drink some more until it stings a bit less?
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[she'll swirl what's left in her glass, finishing it so she can order more.]
What of you? I've hardly answered a one of your questions, so you owe me no answers, of course.
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he smiles a little at her caveat ]
You can ask me anything. I don't mind.
[ his tone becomes more serious, though notably not sad ] I walked into a fight knowing I'd probably die in the process. It was just the most certain way to make sure my... opponent would die.
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Courageous, I suppose. Your opponent was someone who needed killing, then?
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I wouldn't call it courageous. [ a gentle rebuttal, more serious than when she called him gallant ]
My friend went down the wrong path. He killed plenty of people to get to that point, and he would've killed even more if not stopped.
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[neither adjective was entirely a compliment, anyway.]
I suppose you must have felt responsible for him, if he was a friend. Even so. Most people value their life too much to risk it, even to stop something terrible from coming to pass.
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tilts head ]
Is this a polite way of asking if I wanted to die?
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I'm not sure it was polite. But there really are only two options, aren't there? Either the courage to risk everything, or not risking much at all?
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[ though he looks thoughtful about it ]
I think... there's gray areas. Even though I made the decision I did, it's not like I don't have regrets for what I didn't accomplish in my life. For those I left behind.
But I think you're right that at some point, the scale has to tip on one side or the other. I didn't want to die, but I was willing to.
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[or at least it makes more sense why he doesn't want to be viewed as courageous for it.]
I hope you were at least able to accomplish what you set out to do?
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[ satisfied ]
I secured a chance for the rest of the country to do better, so now it's up to them. Though I guess that is a privilege in being dead - not dealing with the aftermath.
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[it's still saturday but also resurrection is so common where she's from, you can just pay a skeleton man $100 and come back to life as many times as you want.]
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but he pauses ]
... it depends, I guess. On my other options, if the chance for resurrection among people here is limited... that sort of thing.
But the fact that I'm not immediately saying yes is probably my selfishness at play.
[ he looks over to her ]
Would you go back?
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I don't think you're selfish, though. Sometimes journeys do end.
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[ though he tilts his head ]
Are you... in a spot that's hard to get out of, even if you were to go back?
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But if I could trust that I'll have my goddesses' mercy and protection, I think I could take that chance.
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[ thoughtful, because the most religious person he knows is lucas. he thinks lucas is great. ]
... was there a reason for doubt?
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[ does she too say day drinking is fine? ]
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Lady Shar, the Nightsinger. She is the patron of the darkness and of secrecy and loss. While most fear the dark, like children, those who follow Shar embrace it. We don't hide in it, we act, unburdened by the illusion of safety and false comforts. We destroy the corrupt and lend solace to the sick and grieving.
[the general vibe of her saying this all though is like someone knocking on your door and trying to give you literature, it doesn't feel off the cuff at all.]
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[she nurses her drink a little.]
The Sharrans took me in. I was an orphan, I didn't have anywhere else to go. So I have always only wanted to become a champion of Lady Shar. And yet, it is more difficult than it ought to be, sometimes.
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I'm glad you had them. Some people took me in too, and I'm really grateful to them.
What makes it difficult, though...? Do you have to do more...?
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... you don't have to tell me the specifics if you don't want to. But if it matters so much to you, I do want to know.
That said, no matter what it is... that's a hard thing to experience no matter what. I'm sorry your faith can feel like it's testing your devotion, even when you want to give so much.
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[but so kind. too kind, like he gives a little bit of himself to everyone.]
Being tested is, I think, something every person of faith goes through, isn't it?
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[ a simple response ]
But... maybe. I'm afraid I wasn't very faithful in life. Still, even if it's common... that doesn't make it less impactful for you, right?
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Yes. In my case, it was very impactful. Shar demands much, and being unable to meet her expectations can be an especially painful trial.
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but yves frowns at that. it stings just to hear about secondhand ]
... I can tell you love her. Or at the very least, you want to show your love for the people who took you in, and in turn their goddess. Your goddess.
[ she didn't pull away earlier - so he'll just lightly set a hand on her shoulder again ]
I still think it's... okay, to not want to give someone everything. Or if you do, and they might think it's not enough... that doesn't mean they're right.
Your efforts are meaningful. I don't want you to think you're not enough for anyone.
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... Thank you, Yves. I don't think anyone has said something like that to me for a long time.
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Then I'm happy to hear it means something to have it said now.
I'll remind you whenever you want.
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Be careful what you promise. I may take advantage. [she can't stay sappy for too long.]
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he laughs anyway, raising up his glass! ]
I think I'll try my luck. If you do, can you at least make it fun?
week 0; monday
...It's locked up here, but the view is still nice.
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The ocean's beautiful, isn't it? Did you get to see it often before?
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Our island was pretty isolated, and it was ocean on all sides. But... similar, in the past few years, it's been pretty hard to find peace.
So it's nice - the quiet like this.
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[he can brush shoulders. normally she's a bit flinchy at contact but with the affection week, she won't shy away.]
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Um...
[ he's clearly looking for a way to say it ]
Another reason. A lot of people were dying due to an internal conflict.
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The same one that ultimately took your life?
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That's when my friends went off the deep end. [ he'll look back out into the ocean and take a deep breath in with the next breeze ] But I loved my hometown a lot, even up to that last moment.
[ and then, like he's remembering something now: ]
Are you going to take their offer, Shadowheart? To go back to life. I thought of you when they mentioned it.
week 1 monday
well everyone's getting The Afternoon i'm sorry someone said that it's yves' holiday and it's true so we must all celebrate. he's carrying along a heart balloon and a bouquet of flowers, looking delighted when he sees shadowheart. ]
Shadowheart! Isn't this place fun? Would you like some flowers to share with Anders?
[ he offers the bouquet out to her, it's a bunch of purple lilac ]
I think these would suit your love well.
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We broke up.
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HE LOOKS DEVASTATED ]
What?! Hold on!
[ immediately turning around like he's going to be able to find anders ]
I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding, I'll go talk to him!
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That won't be necessary. Let's just say, it turned out we were not entirely compatible.
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he turns back around then and he truly looks like a kicked puppy. he will fall for love arrows every single time and it will not improve ]
... are you sure...? I'm sorry, Shadowheart.
[ goes to give her a hug like he's not more heartbroken over this than she is ]
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It will be alright. Perhaps my true soulmate is still out there.
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he seems to realize this but he does not fully realize he's being toyed with, but even if he did then his answer would still be the same. he pulls back and nods very seriously ]
I'm sure they are. If love is something you want, then I'm sure it's something you'll receive.
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Love hasn't ever been that important to me. Is it important to you?
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[ without hesitation ]
I'm not always proud to admit it... but I think I do want to be loved—but falling short of that, I'd like everyone to experience whatever love comes their way.
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Living vicariously through others feels like a shame, if that's what you really want for yourself.
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It really does bring me joy.
It's not like I can force anyone to love me, after all. I'll just have to hope that maybe there's a chance for it another time, another way.
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[90% of this cast would say yes...]
Or is there another issue? Afraid they won't like what's past the surface? [maybe that's too personal to ask someone, but as fears go, it's certainly a common enough one. and an easily understandable one.]
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yves looks a little sheepish at that, a bit embarrassed at her kindness, but he does offer a smile ]
It's nice of you to say so. But well, I've dated before... it's just never ended well.
[ he'll go to reach for one of the heart-shaped balloons just to hold it, and then acting like affection week never ended he'll hold out his hand for her so they can just walk together ]
Partly because they think they can like me, and end up afraid of or bothered by me.
[ so her guess isn't wrong ]
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[she will hold hands with him yea.]
What's so frightening about you?
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I don't think I could ever be afraid of you.
[ but he'll look thoughtful for a moment before answering ]
People thought I was cursed—sometimes they still do. I was caught in a fire when I was younger, and the scar that was left behind was... strange. [ phantom of the opera ass ] And the island is already superstitious.
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[superstition doesn't really surprise her, nor does cruelty. but there's something about hating a child only for having a scar that's especially awful.]
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... maybe it was. But I think people do what they can to protect themselves, especially on an island where our lifespans were already so short. A cursed or possessed child could be as terrifying as a demon.
I try not to hold grudges.
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[there's some pretty fucking cursed children in baldur's gate so it's not out of the question.]
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Though I don't know if I've ever met a cursed child.
[ but people make wide leaps and crazy conclusions in this shitty little island ]
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[even if she can understand, she can't agree that it isn't cruel.]
I don't think there's anything frightening about you. Well... perhaps other than how easily you manage to win people over.
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Have I won you over? [ teasing ]
... if people like me, then I'm really happy about it. I decided at some point that I'd try to love everyone, after all. I hope it comes through.
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[she smiles a little, almost amused at that.]
It comes through, but I can't quite imagine that. You can't really love everyone, can you?
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[ he feels like he needs to assert this because everyone talks to him like he has a backbone of wet tissue paper ]
... but I do try. I don't want anyone to believe that they're undeserving of love.
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The Sharrans don't really believe in love. [sorry.] We pledge ourselves to Shar, and consider those sorts of bonds to be a distraction from the greater purpose.
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... can't you just... pledge yourselves to Shar together?
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No. We're meant to reject those sort of attachments, even between one another.
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Are you content with that? I guess it doesn't need to be a focus for everyone...
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[she has to think about it for a moment.]
I haven't always found it easy to follow Shar's commands. Avoiding romantic love isn't the issue, exactly, but I do get attached to people.
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... is it bad if I said that I'm glad you do? Even though I know it might make things harder...
I think it's normal to not want to be alone in life or afterlife.
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But if I want a future serving Lady Shar, I will have to find a way to change that about myself. [that is an if, though.]
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... do you think that's possible? To change that you like people. To change that those people like you, and want you to be happy without sacrifice?
[ maybe shadowheart is stronger than him - well, she definitely is. but... ]
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I'm not sure it is. Or if it is, that I'm able to. [...] The reason I'm here is because I defied Shar. I became weak to the influence of other people, and I - I wanted to know about my past more than I wanted to follow her command. And I thought she would discard me for what I did, but then there were so many signs that perhaps she hadn't given up on me.
If she sees something in me worth saving after that, it's hard not to think maybe I should try harder.
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She's not the only one who can see something in you worth saving. I know you've been dedicated to her your whole life, but... could you not find salvation somewhere else? In someone else? Without having to give up on connections or your answers.
[ his questions are sincere, if concerned. ]
I do think I'm biased. [ he's willing to acknowledge it ] But... I think the choice is ultimately yours, Shadowheart.
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[but it is something she's been thinking about.]
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... it's not a decision you need to make in a day.
But if the thought keeps coming to you... maybe it's worth exploring. And in its place, you can find new connections to fill that spot.
week 1, friday
today the clouds have swirled into the shape of a field of pitch black lycoris flowers, and yves is no longer in a pathetic little ball somewhere. instead he's walking among them in small paths, hard to see from afar but clearer when you're up close, and he truly looks a mess. his eyes are red and he's wearing an expression that can truly only be called heartbroken.
he's so lost in thought that he doesn't hear anyone approach. ]
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...Yves, you're in here? I just wanted to know.
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it seems to take a second, but he does look up at the sound of his name. when his gaze focuses and he sees shadowheart, he nods once. takes a second to find his words. ]
... I'm here. [ a little weak, a little dazed ] I think I'm still...
I don't know.
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[sad boy hours... she looks him over, frowning, before approaching closer.]
I know. I don't expect anything, I just wanted to know you were safe.
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... I am. I won't do anything... reckless. [ a beat ] Adolphe just scolded me for that the other day.
[ so he has to keep it together at least the first 24 hours ]
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it hurts to see him this way.]
And that will be enough to hold you back?
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At least for today.
[ if he’s being honest ]
But I’ll try not to do anything that makes people sad. I won’t hurt anyone, if that’s what people are worried about.
[ quests of vengeance and all that ]
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[she doesn't mean that. well, mostly.]
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... I'll be okay. [ he will reach to close the distance between them for her hand ] ... it's not a new wound, just a reopened one.
I already lost him once before. I just wish I didn't have to again.
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What happened to him before? If you don't mind my asking.
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[ there's a big sigh at that ]
I didn't think much about Heaven because I didn't think I'd end up there. But I thought if it existed... it'd just be a place where I could see my friends again.
So... I guess this place was Heaven-like for two weeks.
[ lucas is still here, and yves has already made so many more friends he's so grateful for but... it's hard to fill a void that a best friend leaves behind ]
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[this is just so sad.]
They're still out there, supposedly.
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A different one... I only met Adolphe later in my life, though I would've wished for more time even alive too.
[ there's so many orphanages in this island because people die so fucking often ]
... they are. Though I think my response to that will make people sad too... so I'm trying to be careful.
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I think I can guess what it might be.
[if he wants to be with him (platonic) (no homo) then it's not like that isn't possible.]
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but yves will squeeze her hand once ]
... I won't do anything reckless. If his soul's lost, we don't know I'd go to the same place. I'm not looking to die for no reason.
[ but she already knows - that if there's a reason, he's also not afraid to ]
... but it's not because I don't care what anyone here thinks. I don't want to upset any of you, either. So... it's hard for me to know what to do, even if I know I don't need to decide right now.
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That's what I'd say. There's no reason to decide now. Something unjust happened to him, and at the least, maybe we ought to see this through and find out why and make sure wherever they are, they're safe.
[but if at the end he doesn't want to go back, that's his business.]
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... yeah. I think... the killer probably isn't in their right mind. Either of them, if there's two.
[ he's not sure how any of this is working ]
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[not going to mention the apples.]
The bigger question is why any of this is happening to us.
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The angels didn't know when I asked last week... but we'll check in with them tomorrow again, I guess.
[ . . . ]
They were so confident it wouldn't happen again.
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They seem sincerely in the dark to the extent I can tell, but it hasn't been much help.
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I think Gamaliel said... we can see if anyone was behaving differently earlier, if there were maybe signs someone could be affected. What Jing Yuan said on Tuesday was different from what he said on Saturday. So maybe... Wednesday or Thursday?
But that requires us to know each other really well...
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[how are they supposed to notice.]
Jiaoqiu suggested it might have to do with specific sins. Such as Jing Yuan acting particularly lazy.
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... maybe. We'll have to see what the physical evidence says tomorrow, and then see if we can find patterns once we find people.
[ and hopefully it won't be riding on the prayer of a ribbon in the last 10 minutes ]
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I'll do what I can to help.
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... thank you. I'll be better by tomorrow.
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[squeezes back.]
week 1; saturday
I doubt any of that helped, did it?
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he looks over at her and offers a hand? ]
Helped...? What do you mean?
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[the bar is fine. she will take his hand, feeling a bit less tense.]
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I got the answer I wanted. I'm not satisfied, but I knew I wouldn't be. As long as I know what happened to him... that's enough.
It just hurts, that this is the result and someone else has to be separated from someone they love.
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[that does matter, then.]
At first he seemed to be saying he'd done it for an apple, and then it was less clear. [and i haven't got that far in my pc with hawke so i still don't know.] If it were for an apple, would that really be alright with you? Simply because he'd done it for love?
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[ just to keep him busy while he thinks about it ]
... if it's not him in his right mind, I can forgive him. If he consciously chose Adolphe for an apple... then I can't.
But that's a type of love I admire too. Even if it took something away from me... I can't deny it.
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[anyway she listens to all of this. there really is such a darkness in you.]
Well, I don't admire it. What a nice present for Anders, I'm sure he loved receiving it.
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... I am worried about him. He had to make an impossible choice today.
[ for someone who believes in Justice so deeply ]
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I think in the end, all these choices are going to be painful in one way or another. It'll only be moreso as the weeks go on and we don't have any signs of this stopping.
Should we make a plan to just always head out for drinks after?
[ he is trying to be just a little light-hearted ]
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[especially if that means he'll still be here.]
I don't know that we'll ever get satisfaction of any sort from these trials. But if their souls are missing or lost somewhere, that's something we can try to affect.
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Then let's make that the plan. I won't go anywhere, as much as I can control it.
[ and maybe somewhere in there is an apology for his actions earlier... but at least the intention to not repeat them ]
But... you're right. I know the angels are looking. Whatever I can do to help, I plan on it. Adolphe doesn't seem the type, but I do think he gets lonely easier than you'd think.
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[she's not upset about earlier. she couldn't judge someone for seeing what life has to offer and seeing what heaven has and deciding the latter is more worthwhile. just don't throw it all away for toxic old man yaoi.]
I'm sure he's missing your company.
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He'd never say it out loud outside of those party games... but I bet he is...
[ fondly but also with a hint of gremlin bc one of yves's hobbies is harassing adolphe ]
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I'm sure. It will be even harder if he has no way to admit it.
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yves just laughs a little bit at that, even as he takes a sip of his wine. it's a little weak, given how little he's laughed this weekend... but he is trying ]
I'll just harass him more next time we meet.
Everyone's been reminding me that his soul's just lost... not gone. So... I'll count on that.
week 2, monday
Good afternoon.
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Yves. Look at you. You're lovely like this.
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I see. You were familiar with the original. Well, I can accept the compliment on his behalf.
He would say thank you. This is the face he wanted for a long time, after all.
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I didn't mean your face. The mask never troubled me.
[he's just dead behind the eyes now, and that's so nice to see.]
I'd like to know what changed, between you and your original.
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[ sounding a little impressed but he just nods ]
Relivers normally do not possess all the same range of emotions at the original... I'm afraid that I've lost all feelings of friendship that the original might've held so dear. [ said very clinically, not mournfully ] Though he died some time ago, and a number of his friends already passed to begin with.
I think Relivers normally have a stronger sense of self to be attached to the one who created them but... I have heard so much about the original separately that sometimes he still feels apart from me.
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[but the rest of what he says sounds normal and fine.]
Yves is a person carrying such strong feelings of love and friendship. That sort of powerful emotion can't last, I think. It will either destroy you eventually, or you must destroy it within yourself.
I wondered if maybe he was different, though. So it's a shame not to see it play out.
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[despite all she said, she suddenly feels a little sad about it.]
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week 2; thursday
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What a week, huh?
[ like
what else do you say ]
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[should not be getting drunk on a thursday probably but whatever sometimes you're confident.]
You had a completely different personality. It was awful.
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[ maybe he should've considering how emotive he is. but also he'll reach for her hand? just to gently catch her fingers with his, whatever hand she's not using to hold her glass ]
You were different, too.
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[she says, but she'll take his hand and squeeze it.]
Thank you for thinking so. I feel as though I hardly even know who I am, after all of this.
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... yeah. [ understanding, with a little sigh ] I get that.
[ but he'll focus on one thing at a time because his revelation didn't drive him to drink ]
Who... do you think you are? Right now.
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[it does seem a little similar though.]
I'm missing a lot of parts of my life. But I've been away from the Sharrans for some weeks now, and I felt like... we've discussed it. I've not always found it easy to obey or to truly have faith, and I've questioned my place there.
Except I can easily remember another life, one where I found my faith again, had all of those questions resolved.
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... were you happier? [ she seemed like it, but. ] Or did it just... feel easier?
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I was happier. Because I knew that Lady Shar really and truly did love me.
[at the end of the day, maybe she never disagreed. there's nothing better than knowing that you're someone capable of being loved.]
But the things I did to gain that love - I was miserable, each time. It hurt. And then after a while it stopped hurting anymore.
I hate knowing that a little. That it would have stopped hurting, eventually, if I'd kept trying.
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[ to become numb to the pain of everything that she was asked to do, but that's what stands out to yves. the fact that there was pain at all. ]
But you can be loved without hurting, Shadowheart. Even if it might not be from your Lady Shar...
It's just as easy for me to think of a future where you can be loved unconditionally, like you deserve.
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but...she does want to believe what he's saying is true. she's found it so easy to come to care for people who are strangers to her, too. maybe knowing someone and all of the things they've done isn't as necessary as she thought.]
At the least, I don't think I want to change in the ways I'd have to.
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I know it felt happy to live that way but... maybe there's multiple paths to happiness.
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...What about you? Do you hope for that future?
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[ he should sound more certain, but he doesn't. ]
I have a good time being alive. I enjoy myself, and I like meeting people. I just... The more I talk it through, I don't think going back to my life as it was... would be what heals me.
[ a contemplative pause ]
... I don't really care about deserving Heaven, but I don't really wanna go back to life. I just... want to be with the people I care about, and at home, they've all already died.
So I guess... I'm trying to figure out where to go from here, but it's surprisingly difficult to find a reason to live.
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[even if adolphe makes it more complex than that.]
I meant whatever he was. The version of you they made to take your place. Would you want to become someone else?
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You mean a Reliver... I actually wanted to, for a really long time. When you go through the process, all injuries disappear after all. I thought that was the only way I could find someone to love me.
[ even if it meant that he couldn't experience that feeling in return. maybe that was the real show of his desperation and selfishness ]
... I don't think I'd take it anymore, though.
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[even if she claimed to have liked it at the time.]
How much you feel for other people is among your finest qualities, even when you take it vexingly far. It would be a poor trade.
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[ even if yves being a reliver was less of a choice in that specific situation, it's interesting to him to go through the feeling of it. or the... non-feeling of it.
and all the concern he gets from his friends after. ]
But if we're making requests... I hope you look for other options, too. [ and he'll bring their hands up, pressing a brief kiss to her knuckles ] I like watching you have fun here, teasing others and making connections that don't require sacrifice.
I think it suits you.
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Alright. Then let's both of us look for better options.
week 2, post-trial
like he's intentionally making himself easy to find in case people are worried. when he sees you approach he smiles a little sadly and waves ]
Hi. [ holds out a hand ] Time for drinks?
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Say no more. Let's go.
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he'll just take her hand in his as they walk to the bar ]
... what're your thoughts?
[ everyone must have so many ]
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[she's not even sure how to put it into words. the spike of adrenaline and then the crash.]
It's easy to forget, for a lot of the time that we're in there. It feels good to realize what must have happened, like making progress or fighting back. And then at the end, there's someone to accuse, and the reality of how awful it is is like a surprise every time.
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... yeah. It's like a puzzle, but then... you encounter that the person we're looking for really is someone we've grown to care for.
And there's no way around that.
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[she was really very, painfully, embarrassingly glad that it wasn't him. but then, it's not as though the truth was kinder.]
Are you feeling alright, after your close call?
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I am. Really.
[ because he thinks that some people are going to doubt him, but. ]
... though I think I do need to explain a little bit more about myself, given how worried people get. If it'll ease their worries.
[ given all his blood everywhere every week ]
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[it would ease some worries. yeah.]
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[ but he still laughs about it! annoying!! they make it to the bar and yves will just let go of her hand to go behind it, looking for a wine. as he does so, he speaks ]
Mm... I don't bring it up because I think it worries people, but this time I think it worried people in the other direction.
But... I don't feel pain. I haven't in years. So normally I don't get injured much because I am a good fighter... but when I do, it takes longer to heal because I don't notice when I re-open them. Dying from a fight to the death meant... a lot more to re-open.
[ and he walks on his injured leg without blinking, making it worse. like now. ]
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Why is it that way? Is it from when you were injured?
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.... it was a little after the fire. I still remember feeling pain during a few moments that followed. But I think... one day, after being rejected by so many people who I cherished...
Something in me just—broke.
[ oh trauma. but he says it so simply, because to him that's what happened. a failure to process pain after enduring so much of it.
letting go of these sensations that would crush him if he continued to feel them. ]
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Oh, Yves.
[it's funny, because what he's describing is something she was taught to believe in, to even hope for. other forms of happiness are an illusion, but shar can offer a path to transcend pain, to experience it so deeply that it no longer feels like pain. she did start to wonder, though, if this was nothing but a lie, an excuse, a carrot dangled to suggest there was a future in this path that didn't hurt.
it seems he experienced it, but it doesn't look beautiful, and it doesn't seem as though it actually freed him in any way from hurting.]
I think you may just feel it in a different way, but that's awful. I'm sorry.
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... my heart does ache for people. I do get sad and disheartened. All other physical sensations are intact too.
[ as far as he knows, anyway. but he seems to hesitate for a second as he tries to figure out if he has the courage to say more. shadowheart has been so kind to him, and that is both the reason why he wants to trust her and the reason why he is so afraid to lose her if she decides he's too strange.
ultimately, he wants to hope. ]
But... one day when I was younger... I realized how badly I wanted to be loved. So I decided to try to cope by loving everyone, in hopes that someday someone would love me back. I know it sounds childish and bizarre but...
Ever since then, I let go of feelings of anger. Hatred. Contempt. Anything that might make me harder to love.
[ everyone always talks about how yves is so absurdly kind, to the point that it's insane.
and it is. he is insane - and severely traumatized. ]
I do think I'm an abnormal person. I don't expect anyone to say sorry for it. After all, I'm the one who's twisted.
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she mainly just didn't realize that he knew he'd done that to himself.]
Well, I don't think what you're describing sounds like a good thing to do to yourself, but I don't think you're twisted.
[a bit hesitant, she doesn't want him to feel rejected by her, but she would be lying if she claimed she liked this.]
I think you're wonderful. But I'd still think so if you were a bit more angry or selfish or petty sometimes.
[though maybe it's hard to say that and know how true it is. of course it meant something to her, that he's always been willing to listen to her, always shown care towards her so easily, always saw a better side of her than she knew was there. she started to rely on his kindness, but if that kindness is only something he's forcing himself to show out of a desperate loneliness, how can she say she knows she would have felt the same way about a less open, less caring version of the same person.
the answer is probably only that you can't overthink these things. it isn't as though she didn't know there was something fragile and messy about who he is.]
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... thank you. [ it means something that she'd say so, even if just to comfort him. he'll reach out for her hand again, just to hold. then, just to try to lighten the mood: ] I have been told I get a bit pouty sometimes, you know.
[ but even that's only playful—only enough to be charming or endearing ]
But... I don't know if I can change anymore. Sometimes I want to, sometimes I don't. I just thought...
After all you've shared with me, and how much care you've shown me... I wanted you to know.
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[the hand is okay. she'll smile, letting him lighten the mood, but she feels sad for him.]
Thank you for telling me. [she tries to think of what to say. she'd like to reassure him, but the question is whether he can ever even really believe the kindness he's shown in return, when he knows how much he had to change himself this much to receive it.]
Changing is hard. And you don't have to try. But if you did choose to try, you would not lose my friendship.
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what he can say with all sincerity is: ]
Thanks. Really. I really do treasure you, you know.
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[honestly. whether he was playing some role or not, he really did help her want to try and change.]
week 3; monday
(you can watch this video for visuals / atmosphere if you like).
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he steps in front of her then, as if to approach her with a friendly face instead of a wolf, and slowly reaches out to take her hand as he'd done before. a light touch, one that can be rejected at any moment, but hopefully grounding.
softly: ] Shadowheart? Hey. I'm right here. I won't leave you alone.
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Sorry. I'm - the wolf - it's silly, but -
[she's fought demons, monsters, creatures far more powerful than this, but this wolf holds such a place in her nightmares. the mirrored walls reflect it; despite lacking memories of so much else, waking up night after night having dreamed of the wolf that was attacking her. her all-consuming fear, and the reminder to feel grateful to the people who saved her, no matter what else they did to her. wolves always remind her of that fear, she always freezes in terror when she sees them.
but they're still here in this memory, and unlike the dreams, it continues on without them. the woman takes the girl away, but her fear is not abated by this. she keeps turning her head, turning her so she won't see, as the other women in spears surround the wolf and pierce its body. the little girl winces at the wolf's horrible help, feeling sorry for it despite everything.
but she only sees it for a brief moment, before the woman in the hood and mask steers her away - that the wolf transforms back into a man.]
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[ soft and reassuring, and he'll run his thumb over the back of her hand as he says it. he glances in the direction of everything happening—and he winces himself when the wolf is skewered.
as the transformation into a man comes, he does still put himself between the shadowheart he's with and that figure. he doesn't try to obscure her view, in case she wants to understand what's going on—but he does move automatically like he'd be able to do anything to protect her against mirror poltergeists ]
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but then the memory is over; the girl is taken away, she doesn't see anymore, she doesn't see what happens to him, so the memory can't continue.]
What...?
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... he must've been looking for you, even if I... don't understand what's going on.
[ he looks around then, wondering if there's a way to go deeper into memories. he keeps his hold on her hand and gives it a gentle squeeze ]
Do you want to keep going?
[ he won't force her, but... if she's confused, maybe she wants answers too ]
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I want to know who that was. But I'm not sure - there are things I'm not sure I want to know about.
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[ softly. he runs his thumb over the back of her hand then and takes her hand into both of his to cup it gently. he looks around, as if trying to figure out the way to leave—but he can't promise they won't see anything else. these mirrors have a mind of their own. ]
... you can close your eyes, if you don't want to see it. I can't promise we won't hear or feel anything but... I can try to get us out of here.
Is that okay? Can you trust me?
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[though she's a bit unsure about it - after all, as little as she might want to know, she hardly wants him to know things about her that she doesn't know. so she won't close her eyes, but she will follow.
they can leave this area. everything else from this time is hidden, forgotten, and anything to see is buried at the end of dark hallways. just flashes of things, memories. remembering the cloister where she grew up, being trained to say her prayers, her tongue always tripping over the words as she nearly said old prayers she could no longer remember. training, being observed like a specimen, harsh punishments whenever she failed.
they took prisoners sometimes. enemies, selûnites. the same man's face among them, but unremarkable. fully a stranger in her eyes.
but that's it - there's nothing else to see, and then they're out of this area.]
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still, these things do make him frown. to be treated like a point of observation rather than a person, and the punishments make his mouth pull downward. he keeps his hold on her hand relaxed on purpose, even though there's a tension in his shoulders like he wants to intervene.
the portion with the enemies is confusing, and the fact that she no longer reacts to that man... what is this?
when they're out and only then, he'll turn to her and tell her more than ask: ]
I'm going to hug you.
[ just a fair warning but
after all that, it just seems appropriate. so he'll be gentle about it, let her pull away at any moment if she wants but... he does bring her into an embrace ]
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but she nods, and will accept the hug.]
...I don't know who he was, but. They captured him, not killed him.
[only the next time she met him, she didn't know him anymore.]
week 3, wednesday
Ah, Shadowheart! Wait up, I have something for you.
[ jogging up to meet her somewhere... there is a door nearby that will lead to the mirrors in a second ]
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What is it?
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[ so he'll bring out one that he made her too! a little charm for her phone. it looks like the purple stained glass flower he gave her when they were all decorating their rooms, but it's hand sculpted out of clay and glazed over so it's not as fragile as actual glass. ]
So I made you one.
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Aren't both of you sweet. You really did make this? [yves... too otome...] I will treasure it.
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If you like it, then the effort was more than worth it!
[ ok now they enter the mirrors for real and a return memory plays
I also wanted to fall in love like you did. ]
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it's so much worse because she saw his cute pufferfish's memory of all of these people. what the hell.
she'll do what he did for her, take his hand to steer him away if he needs it.]
I doubt there's more you want to see there, is there?
[though it might be nice, at the least, if he could admit to himself he wasn't merely content to admire while other people destroy themselves for love.]
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when shadowheart takes his hand, he turns to her and offers a gentle smile even if it's also heartbroken ]
... it'll end soon enough.
I don't get to see what happens after.
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[but it doesn't sound as though any of the things yves would want to live for would still be there to have a happy ending.]
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I'm still sorry you had to see it.
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I've been hearing that a lot...
It would be tough for any kid to go through. I know it's a painful story.
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[but it happened to him.]
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Yeah. It is. Because I think... people want me to be angry on my own behalf. I don't really... know how to do that though. Not anymore. Not since I decided I want to try loving everyone.
[ why did he rewrite his own brain chemistry this way ]
It's easier to be frustrated for others. Easier to be... reasonable, I guess, which is what people want me to be.
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I suppose it must make you feel like a frustrating problem that we want to fix, which is not pleasant. [it admittedly doesn't sound nice, to have to deal with people's frustrations at how he reacts emotionally to his own life with his fucked up brain.]
When, really, it's not about your reaction. It's about what you think you deserve.
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... I guess I don't want to be treated cruelly, the same as anyone else.
Even if I can't bring myself to care much when it happens.
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Even though my assumptions that people will be untrustworthy and cruel have often been incorrect... by assuming that's the norm, maybe that resignation is the same as not caring even if I do defend myself.
[maybe people like that should be at least treated with indignity for doing something worse than others do.]
w3; thursday
Are you awake?
[if he gets out of bed she will physically restrain him.]
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in the middle of trying to escape and grabbing his stuff ]
Um.
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[she immediately goes to get rope to tie him up.]
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Wait wait, I just don't like hospitals...!
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That's understandable, but you can't just sneak out, either. You keep reopening everything.
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yves looks at the rope a little nervously ]
I do but... I was just going to find a different place to sit. Really.
[ even he knows that if he tried to run around reassuring people he's okay they would refuse to believe him ]
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...Alright. That's fine, as long as you really do take it easy. I am a healer, you know!
[a bad one without magic but still.]
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I know. Will you do me a favor and monitor me while I take a walk to somewhere warm?
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[she will take his less (>:() bandaged hand so they can walk.]
...How are you feeling?
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... I get lost sometimes.
[ to be honest, even though he seems a little disquieted by it ]
I'm trying to remember who I am and who I'm not and... what is and isn't my fault.
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Talk to me about it. I know who you are.
[maybe not entirely, but she's had to rely on that often enough - trusting that the people around her know her.]
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... I'm dead. I feel like I'm always dead, and I'm always only sticking around to be with the people I love.
[ that feels consistent, and yet it bothers him that he lived another life and it... was still true ]
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[but she knows that's not what he means by it.]
It was the same in what you saw in there?
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[ that's not true. when he thinks it through logically. but right now the flickers of everything he knows are clashing against each other ]
But I... hurt them. I hurt all of them. I have to wrestle with that too.
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[and it's to protect himself, mostly, because pain and grief is also a part of being alive, and from what she's seen, perhaps his is too intense for him to bear. but it's him, not some objective truth.]
The others? Marcoh, Jiaoqiu, Siffrin?
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at her question, he nods. ]
Yeah... At some point, I was... possessed by something. The Unmaker? And I thought... I had to destroy everything, which included trying to kill my friends.
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I'm sure that was hard on you. You know it wasn't your fault, don't you?
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[ he's trying his best to be reasonable ]
It doesn't change that... I hated it. Being made into a puppet.
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[but it does matter, to know that it isn't yourself you ought to be angry at, even if that's hard.]
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Like I was always meant to be manipulated by Death to hurt the people I love.
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[did he mess up the gauze already. but this is important, too.]
Those people were not right. And you haven't hurt anyone beyond what can be healed.
week 3, saturday
Have time for our usual?
[ the bar? ]
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Please.
[let's go.]
What a waste.
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Is there a specific part?
[ that's a waste or is it just the whole thing ]
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[which is kind of fucking her up, but more than that, it just drives home how unfair it is that elysia had to die.]
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... he said? [ yves must've missed it somewhere in the chaos but ] ... I see.
It's a good reason to be angry.
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[but yes, he said so.]
I don't know what for and I don't particularly care, but... what an awful trade. Her for whatever he considers so important.
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... there never would've been any reason good enough. [ even if it was possession ] But it does feel... counter to everything Ellie stood for.
[ to love boundlessly and to have it repaid like this ]
It does feel difficult to understand.
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It's not as though she wasn't aware some of the people she showed that warmth to would only hurt her.
[it's not even the case that it hadn't happened before.]
But for her values to be discarded so cheaply...
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[ and he understands it because he and elysia were so similar in those ways. someone could kill yves for an apple and he wouldn't care, but. ]
But... as her friends, I think we can be unhappy on her behalf.
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I know she would have been unsurprised, understood, but even so... It would be wonderful if seeing the best in everyone could change them, make them rise to it. But I increasingly doubt it.
[and if redemption is just a crock of shit, what are they even doing here.]
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It depends on how much you think people need to be changed. I don't like what he did, but I also don't know his reason. And... it's okay, to decide that it's not worth it no matter what it is. I just think... people try very hard to rationalize their choices.
[ and can be resistant to change ]
Even still... I'm pretty sure Ellie still wouldn't have changed her outlook.
Sometimes, even if your ending is tragic... it can feel worth it, if you were able to reach even a few people that you love. Even just one.
[ a beat ]
But I might be assuming too much.
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[they were very similar, in so many ways. at least in how they chose to treat others.]
It might not have changed her outlook, but I'm afraid that it does change mine. [even if she's not sure she wants it to.]
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... does that frustrate you?
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[it would be nice if it was as easy as just believing.]
I was raised to see the world so differently than that. But I want there to be something better.
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... I know that it can be hard to see through it in your grief. Your reasonable frustration and anger. I think you should feel all those things, because you still can, and that's another way of showing how much you loved Ellie.
[ things that yves wishes that he could still feel. ]
But I do believe there's still something better. One person shouldn't have the ability to steal your hope like that. He doesn't deserve the chance.
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I don't know if it's quite one person stealing it.
[she simply didn't have much to begin with.]
But I would feel rather pitiful, if I were to give up entirely.
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[ a gentle squeeze of her hands ]
I promise the world is better than whatever we're forced to endure on Saturdays.
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Well, fine. I hardly want to break anyone's heart.
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his expression softens with the agreement, even if he understands that trying to move forward from here is a tightrope walk. it is so hard to hope. ]
... thanks. [ softly ] Please keep trying. I will, too.
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[she knows he means it sincerely. squeezing his hand back.]
I know that you will. [...] You're very like her, you know. I find it easy to believe in you, too.
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If I could be anything like Ellie, then that's the greatest compliment I've ever received.
[ and he does seem to mean that too ]
The only thing I can say for certain is that she and I both definitely love you, and want to see to your happiness. If there's anything I want you to believe in, it's that.
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[both of them showed her such kindness and somehow forced her to believe in it instead of rejecting it.
it's still not easy. there's a lot to her that even she doesn't know. and she knows it would mean something to him, if she could express herself back as easily, but she isn't used to this, she's a sharp instrument, and he feels so fragile that she's afraid to try.]
I wish for your happiness, too. I only wish I knew how to help you with your hurts as easily as you help me. I know you may not feel them, but that doesn't mean they aren't there.
[is he just running around reopening the emotional wounds, too, without noticing?]
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to say that he's surprised is an understatement, and his eyes widen. ]
... is that what you think...?
[ and he'll give her hands a squeeze, gentle, mindful that his own are still bandaged and he doesn't want to bleed grossly on her ]
Shadowheart... I've remembered everything you've said to me. Every kind word and every push. I think I'm finally getting an idea of what everyone was saying to me, that I shouldn't be so quick to be apathetic to being gone...
But if I'm making any progress, you have to know that you played a large part in it. I know... I can be hard to comfort. [ as someone who processes his own emotional pain quietly or apart from others ] Even still, you've always been there for me.
I'm really grateful for... well, you.
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You express things so straightforwardly, and that's never been something I'm good at.
[so she really did just assume all of her efforts to return his kindness were not adding up to much.]
That makes me very happy.
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Well, you make me happy, so I think that we're about even. If you ever have doubts again, just let me know so I can dispel them right away.
week 4; monday
To surviving another week.
[her mood is sad, still, but she's doing better, honestly. it was a rough weekend, and seeing the other side of it hasn't dispelled her worries, but she's trying to make the best of it.
anyway she thinks this is the drink honoring elysia but it's not, it's hanaki. so taking a sip and immediately coughing.]
Sorry? What is that?
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Did Gabriel finally mix something bad?
[ reaching out to place a hand between her shoulderblades and trying to pat her back?? ]
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[so many of these drinks are bad. though the memorial ones are always safe. that was her mistake. anyway, she's coughing a wad of flowers into her hand - a mix of green and pale orangey ones - and then looking at that with disgust? the emotion is what the fuck.]
What did he put in this. [elysia did not deserve this tribute.]
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I—don't know?! Whoa! Want a water?
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Was that drink just full of flowers...? I did not taste them going down.
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[or she would not have been drinking it!!]
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Maybe the petals mean something?
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Maybe I'm being poisoned.
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Do you want me to get a doctor?
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[the emotion is embarrassment she doesn’t want jiaoqiu or anders to be aware of her condition?]
I am a healer and suddenly I can tell that I will survive this.
week 4, tuesday
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I'm afraid she is spoken for. I wish her and Taair every happiness.
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WHAT ABOUT DEL
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[what are you talking about.]
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Not to change the subject, but did you receive the letters?
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Adolphe didn't write me one
Did he just send me a weird dream instead?
I'm going to bully that guy so bad
Who wrote to you?
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But... I think the most important point Charlie got across is that the messages we have been receiving after Thursdays are NOT from them.
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Oh I got one from Jing Yuan too but he signed as Mimi
Very cute
And Ellie and Charlie
Charlie said she sent Anders some information too
Are yours blacked out as well?
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Yes, in part.
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Me too... I can't figure out why certain parts would disappear
Ellie has a paragraph that's mostly blacked out
I think it's describing what it's like over there
week 4; wednesday
I wasn't expecting it, but that was a lot of fun.
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It was, right? Even with all the baldness.
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Even with the baldness and the llamas. Did you have fun, then?
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[ beaming... so obvious ]
It was fancier than the type of thing I'm used to, but it's nice to get to see people all dressed up and dancing! And getting to feel that happiness?
It was a nice touch.
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It seems that all of us felt more at ease, too, knowing for certain that the others are somewhere where they may be recovered.
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I'd say.... Though it does make me miss them a bit too. I'd like to see them all... but Ellie would've been even more beautiful. She would've loved this.
Adolphe would've loved it less, but I think that's why it'd be fun to bring him along anyway.
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She certainly would have made it livelier. And you would have gotten to tease Adolphe, which is equally as fun as him enjoying himself.
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But you're right! When he's back, you should help me tease him more. He deserves it for leaving me on my own for so long!
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[that's your incredibly platonic best dudes forever bromance partner we're talking about]
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That's true... but also he makes it so easy.
I'm sure that you'd come to care about him too, the more time you spent with him.
week 4, thursday
where she ]
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she is in one of the rooms. she's been tended to by the non-wounded doctor, and is dressed in loose clothes to cover the bandages, so other than a bruise and some scrapes on her face, not much is visible.
her emotional state is pretty bad. disoriented, a little paranoid, definitely unhappy. but also something guarded has fallen back in place that she was missing before.
she does warm up to see him, though, even if it's a bit sad.]
Yves.
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Hi, Shadowheart. [ softly, bringing up a chair to sit with her ] How are you feeling? Do you need anything I can bring you?
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Nothing I need right now. I'm very happy to see you, though.
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Oh? I always feel that way when I get to see you, but is there something specific I should know?
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It's really quite stupid, but in the backstory we were given, you were dead. I'm glad you aren't, even though it was also a world in which we were all children, so it is odd to think of it that way.
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he just looks surprised ]
Ah... Well, thanks for letting me know and—I'm okay. So.... don't worry about that. [ reaching to take her hand again ] Your memories are okay then...?
week 4; saturday
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though he did go ahead of her this week, giving her the option to not show up if she didn't want to ]
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she is here at the bar.]
Ah, you came on ahead.
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despite this, he just offers a sheepish smile ]
... I didn't want you to feel obligated.
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[just lightly chiding. but going to sit. and sighing.]
I know it's even messier, now. [on the one hand, he was right. on the other hand, she still acted again, and if they hadn't caught akihiko, this would have been very scary.] But if anything, even though I think I understand, I wish you'd told someone else what you'd learned.
[he was not the right person to do this. on the other hand, she would personally feel rather cruel asking someone else to, even the ones like mizu and saber and wis'adel who seem enthusiastic.]
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... I promised her I wouldn't. She was so scared, and asked me not to.
[ and there is that sense of guilt again, so strong. he doesn't regret what he did, because he does think he was right. but he hates that he had to break her trust to do it. that feeling of betrayal she'd felt—the echo of it sticks with him and breaks his heart over and over again. ]
I told her I'd ask the angels what we should do about it, under the guise of asking about last week. So I did.
[ they got their answer this morning and
well. ]
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[but she understands. breaking that trust, that is the most painful part.]
It would have been nice to keep her trust in place, but... the real girl, the real version of her, would likely prefer her soul intact rather than her trust.
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[ softly. even though he's clearly struggling with the results of what he did. he runs his fingers through his own hair, heaving a big sigh ]
I know there are things I could've done better. I believe that too. It was hard for me to think about things like votes at the moment...
[ he was so focused on just trying to save her ]
... even now it's hard for me to sort my thoughts.
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[frowning at that, but it's a small pool that fits.]
And more than that, I have been thinking about what I would do, if I could find out for certain. If I did know, though, I don't believe I would have done any differently than what you did. Especially if the culprit is someone I care for, and some of the people on that list are people I care for very dearly.
The truth is, if you had brought it up to the group, we never would have reached a consensus on what to do in time.
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... maybe we wouldn't have. [ agreeing, because there's a reason why he didn't announce that he was going to do it. most people had agreed with mizu's statement that sometimes a quick kill is better than execution, and he was one of them. that was all the sign he needed ]
I just wish I could've given her a gentler ending than that.
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[a moment of pain and heartbreak, but maybe she's going to a place where those feelings can be healed.]
I think it would be a good thing, if you were to write her and apologize for breaking her trust. But beyond that, I don't know what more any of us could have done for her.
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[ softly, because of course he did. he was penning it in his head while he was dissociating. he sighs again, and takes a sip of his drink ]
I asked Adolphe to look after her for me. Maybe he could do a better job than I did.
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Good. She may or may not forgive you, and that's her right. [which is not something she thinks he doesn't know, but - ] Meaning that if certain people do choose to forgive you, they have the right to choose that as well.
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... that's okay. [ even if he feels unsure about it, like he does think he deserves worse ] I think... I'm not sure what I want. I don't want to be hated, even if I expect it.
But I also don't know if I can be forgiven so easily. [ frowns ] I'll... try not to be difficult about it.
week 5, monday
- murdered more than one friend
- left home country to ruin
- in love with too many people
- acts like a needy bottom when he's actually a switch
where are they. i guess it could be a train car. anyway he's approaching shadowheart a little seriously actually ]
Shadowheart? Can I borrow you about something?
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Yes? What do you need?
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Ah, just... [ he looks thoughtful for a moment before his expression gets harder to read ] I'm letting a few people know that I was able to pick an apple after Saturday. I don't know if the two yesterday were able to, too.
I chose the apple that could cure all illnesses, since Ramiel suggested it could work for the afflicted.
[ . . . ]
I think I was too late telling people this time, so I wanted to make sure I didn't delay it.
[ the tragic comedy of errors for claude is truly fucking insane thank god emotionshare is over ]
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it is good emotion share is over, but she doesn't disguise emotions on her face very well, and she looks horrified by this.]
Thank you for telling me that. Now we know we can use it on someone who needs it next time, right?
[trying to soften how much this sucks.]
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Yes. It's difficult to think that we might need it again, but in case we do. I didn't want to reach the end without any way of saving those afflicted.
[ but also: ]
I'm sorry I couldn't save Claude. I know you cared about him.
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I would have killed him myself, if they hadn't.
[probably not so quickly, but she definitely would have.]
When I said yesterday I thought I decoded Charlie's letter, the code spelled out his name. [i know you weren't here so anyway she said on chipper that she decoded a secret code in charlie's last letter but was writing back to charlie for confirmation, since the answer was kind of ambiguous.] And I wouldn't leave a friend to suffer that way any more than you would.
So don't apologize. I'm glad you found a way to help, one none of us had thought to consider.
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... I think you're all stronger than I am. [ softly. because he can admit: ] I wouldn't have been able to. Not him.
[ yves hates himself for breaking firefly's trust. he probably wouldn't even be able to look at himself in the mirror if it was claude's. he's clearly experiencing a few complicated emotions, not sure what to do with everyone getting letters about claude, but they're all a little half-formed.
instead all he settles on is: ]
... this place is really horrible, isn't it?
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It is horrible. I'm sorry, Yves. I'm sure it would have meant the world to him, that you cared this much.
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That would require him to fully comprehend how much I care, which I think he was too awkward to do sometimes. [ this is a roast but it's such a loving on, he is so fond ] But that's okay, that's what letters are for.
I just wanted you to know. Saber and Uruha know. I'm telling Monsieur Richie because I think he deserves to. And then I'm just going to tell Monsieur Lucas and Anders.
I don't really mind if anyone else knows, but I do hope it provides some hope for another option if two are afflicted again.
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[as long as we never catch two afflicted and have to choose which to save and which to kill :) ]
Understood. I agree with those choices. Would you mind if I told Mizu? He and I have been discussing what to do about the afflicted, and it would be good for him to know there are other options.
[like actually maybe it's best to have our most murderhands people aware of this fact.]
If you'd prefer I didn't, that's fine. I'll talk to him if a situation where it would be relevant comes up.
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[ yves is so openly loving and claude really is so dense. but haha wow weighing lives in a murdergame? surely not.
he shakes his head ]
No, it's fine. I'm open to it. I trust Mizu, too. I don't think it's even a big problem if everyone knows it's an option, but I'd rather not cause ripples before we even need it.
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[frowning.]
Not that I have any specific person I would suspect of doing this, but it wouldn't be that difficult for someone to kill for an apple and then claim to be afflicted. The only reason no one would so far is because thinking they're afflicted would be more likely to result in their death.
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well the fact that yves looks shocked probably lends to how much he just trusts people, but that's no surprise since he literally just believed it was self-defense until brimstone said otherwise ]
... I didn't think of that....
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[worth being careful, maybe.]
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[ a little squeeze of his hand ]
Sometimes... I guess I just forget that people can... lie? [ a little laugh ] I'm glad I have people like you to remind me.
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Then if you're good at being a little cynical, and I'm good at being a little hopeful, then that means together we're complete, right?
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Seems that way. You always know what to say.
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So if it feels right, then I'm glad.
[ because otherwise he's just spouting gibberish into the air ]
week 5; wednesday
A lot to think about, hmm? Other worlds, other timelines...
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What are your thoughts on it? Do your decisions feel any clearer?
[ since she arrived so uncertain about her faith ]
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Well, I didn't particularly see an alternate timelines I liked the sound of. I've always intended to go back. I'll have to face Lady Shar, but I don't know if she would be any more likely to let me go if I went elsewhere.
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Is that how it works...
[ actual for real gods and goddesses... ]
How are you feeling about facing her?
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[it would be so cool if this was permanent and not just a week effect though.]
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[ he has seen the other side of this... ]
But that is good news!
[ hE DOESN'T KNOW IT'S THE WEEK... HE DOESN'T KNOW....... ]
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Very good news. But either way, I have people I need to return for and things I need to accomplish. [...] I guess what I've hoped is that after all of that is taken care of, then maybe I could still see some of the others. I would hate for it to be goodbye.
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I'll give you some of the bandages I carry around just in case...
[ he's a little quiet at the mention of seeing everyone again ]
... I guess we'll see what happens at the end of it all. I've heard different things but... I know what I'd like. I don't want to say goodbye to you, either.
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I know it it's a lot to ask for. But I also can't imagine going back and not seeing you again...
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Oh? You like me that much?
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Of course I do, silly.
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I bet it's not even half as much as I like you.
[ and he'll shift so he can lightly lean against her ]
And I'm glad that I've gotten this time with you either way. I think my life—or afterlife?—would be really different if I didn't.
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[he's so good at saying nice otome things and she is NOT.]
But that's true for me as well, more than you know.
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[ he laughs and rests his chin on his hand annoyingly, in a way that he knows is cute. insufferable. ]
I guess I don't mind being unfair in letting you know I love you.
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I do love you, too, you know. You are a very dear friend to me.
[why did that always feel like it would be too weird to say, before.]
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well he didn't expect it, even so. he's so used to being the one to say i love you so easily but to hear it back surprises him, and he actually looks momentarily flustered before he just looks delighted ]
... ahaha, lucky me. Thank you. I'm... really happy to hear that.
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Well...good. Maybe it's better to be like you, and not be shy about such things.
week 7, monday
you know what's reliable? the bar!! yves will meet shadowheart at some point and with all his excess energy, he's already behind the bar and larping gabriel to look through the alcohol selection ]
What're you feeling today? Is there a drink good for reunions, do you think?
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[chin hands on the bar waiting for him to serve her.]
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[ delightedly as he finds a bottle and two glasses. pouring them and offering one out to her! his free hand automatically reaches for hers ]
So how've you been?
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It has been quite depressing over here. I don't think I realized until today how tired all of us have been.
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It’s a heavy weight to carry, to be the ones who persist.
[ he knows that it’s half of what killed him the first time ]
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[ so it was nice to be with them especially when he thinks they’re stupid (affectionate)
a beat ]
But then… when I was there, I was worried about everyone I left behind. I guess until today it felt like there was no real winning.
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It did seem that all of you were having a bit more fun over there, though I know you were worried for us.
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but also he’s pausing ]
I’m constantly torn about exactly how much fun we had.
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[some of you are weirdos.]
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[ but he just shakes his head fondly, amused ]
No one got too hurt from it at least, so it's not too much harm done. I did miss all of you so I'm glad that we're back together.
So I guess it'll just become extra chaotic here.
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Why am I being blamed?!
I even gave you the Dream Diary as a precaution for communication instead of doing anything sweet! I’ve been so responsible.
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There was a location on the other side where you had to kiss someone in order to leave and somehow about eight of us managed to wander in at once. I think there's just something in the air that's absolutely bizarre.
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I do think I'm owed gossip in return.
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I just kissed Claude to escape.
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[she's not all that serious though she doesn't need to know.]
It would definitely be strategic to kiss early and not be stuck at the end with someone you did not want to kiss. [though who even is that for yves.]
week 7; saturday
sorry about breaking tradition but let's not go to the tavern tonight and say we did.]
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Will you accept a gift to remember this time by?
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I would gladly accept it. In turn, you must accept one from me.
[she doesn't have it with her though.] Jiaoqiu has been growing my favorite flower, so I ought to give you one.
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[ of his dear, important friend ]
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This [ he points at the flower ] technically represents a cursed flower from my home, which would kill anyone who so much as bumped or plucked it. I obviously don't mean it as a curse, since it's something so dear to me...
But I do think I'm up for the challenge.
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We will find you some, then. [they cause another disease to spread across his island.] I always liked them, but never had much reason why. And then when I recovered a memory, it was of being a child and spending time in a cave where they grew.
It is nice to think that there are so many things like that - innate little preferences that have meaning all the same. [there are things that have a bad meaning too, but not everything.]
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[ a little hum of understanding, and he nods ]
There really are these little things that make us, aren't there? Interactions or experiences that we carry along with us... My fondness comes from tending to these flowers with my grandfather.
And I do think that those things are enough to make them lovely, even against everything else.
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I could not agree more. They are lovely. And I will treasure any gift that reminds me of you, even if it is deadly poison. [it's. paper.]