pc: yves

[sacredpath]

Comments

[sacredpath]

Awful. I'm very tired of this.

[should not be getting drunk on a thursday probably but whatever sometimes you're confident.]

You had a completely different personality. It was awful.

[noirges]

Yeah, that was really weird. I wanted to be a Reliver for a long time, but never thought it'd turn out that way.

[ maybe he should've considering how emotive he is. but also he'll reach for her hand? just to gently catch her fingers with his, whatever hand she's not using to hold her glass ]

You were different, too.

[sacredpath]

Was I?

[she says, but she'll take his hand and squeeze it.]

Thank you for thinking so. I feel as though I hardly even know who I am, after all of this.

[noirges]

[ gently squeezes her hand in turn and pauses ]

... yeah. [ understanding, with a little sigh ] I get that.

[ but he'll focus on one thing at a time because his revelation didn't drive him to drink ]

Who... do you think you are? Right now.

[sacredpath]

I don't know. I really don't.

[it does seem a little similar though.]

I'm missing a lot of parts of my life. But I've been away from the Sharrans for some weeks now, and I felt like... we've discussed it. I've not always found it easy to obey or to truly have faith, and I've questioned my place there.

Except I can easily remember another life, one where I found my faith again, had all of those questions resolved.

[noirges]

[ he's quiet as she speaks, running a thumb over her knuckles in a brief gesture ]

... were you happier? [ she seemed like it, but. ] Or did it just... feel easier?

[sacredpath]

[she has to think about it. it would be nice to say she wasn't happier, but.]

I was happier. Because I knew that Lady Shar really and truly did love me.

[at the end of the day, maybe she never disagreed. there's nothing better than knowing that you're someone capable of being loved.]

But the things I did to gain that love - I was miserable, each time. It hurt. And then after a while it stopped hurting anymore.

I hate knowing that a little. That it would have stopped hurting, eventually, if I'd kept trying.

[noirges]

... I think it's okay to hate knowing that. To know a version of events in which... you got numb to it, and got something else you wanted.

[ to become numb to the pain of everything that she was asked to do, but that's what stands out to yves. the fact that there was pain at all. ]

But you can be loved without hurting, Shadowheart. Even if it might not be from your Lady Shar...

It's just as easy for me to think of a future where you can be loved unconditionally, like you deserve.

[sacredpath]

[no one really knows her, knows everything about her. not even she does, and there is a lot of reason to believe that the parts of herself she knows very little about are bad.

but...she does want to believe what he's saying is true. she's found it so easy to come to care for people who are strangers to her, too. maybe knowing someone and all of the things they've done isn't as necessary as she thought.]

At the least, I don't think I want to change in the ways I'd have to.

[noirges]

Then... don't? [ a little lightly, and with a gentle smile. he squeezes her hand ] No one can make you do things you don't want to do, here. You can try out living for yourself a little.

I know it felt happy to live that way but... maybe there's multiple paths to happiness.

[sacredpath]

[a slightly more strained smile, remembering him without any part of his face hidden, talking about how he'd changed.]

...What about you? Do you hope for that future?

[noirges]

... yes?

[ he should sound more certain, but he doesn't. ]

I have a good time being alive. I enjoy myself, and I like meeting people. I just... The more I talk it through, I don't think going back to my life as it was... would be what heals me.

[ a contemplative pause ]

... I don't really care about deserving Heaven, but I don't really wanna go back to life. I just... want to be with the people I care about, and at home, they've all already died.

So I guess... I'm trying to figure out where to go from here, but it's surprisingly difficult to find a reason to live.

[sacredpath]

I do understand that. [there are complicated reasons to want to live or die, but at the end of the day.] It does sound as though the problem may be less your desire to live and more your desire to return to a place where people generally treat you poorly, though.

[even if adolphe makes it more complex than that.]

I meant whatever he was. The version of you they made to take your place. Would you want to become someone else?

[noirges]

They started being nicer to me eventually... [ but. he does understand the overall point. he just huffs faintly at the question ]

You mean a Reliver... I actually wanted to, for a really long time. When you go through the process, all injuries disappear after all. I thought that was the only way I could find someone to love me.

[ even if it meant that he couldn't experience that feeling in return. maybe that was the real show of his desperation and selfishness ]

... I don't think I'd take it anymore, though.

[sacredpath]

I hope you wouldn't. I hated seeing you like that.

[even if she claimed to have liked it at the time.]

How much you feel for other people is among your finest qualities, even when you take it vexingly far. It would be a poor trade.

[noirges]

... I think we're both just learning the consequences of how far we'd go for love.

[ even if yves being a reliver was less of a choice in that specific situation, it's interesting to him to go through the feeling of it. or the... non-feeling of it.

and all the concern he gets from his friends after. ]

But if we're making requests... I hope you look for other options, too. [ and he'll bring their hands up, pressing a brief kiss to her knuckles ] I like watching you have fun here, teasing others and making connections that don't require sacrifice.

I think it suits you.

[sacredpath]

[aww. she blushes a little, smiling at that. it's a sweet sentiment, but more than anything, it makes her happy to know that he sees her that way.]

Alright. Then let's both of us look for better options.