[a little after the locations are revealed, shadowheart can be found in the church. she's changed into her camp clothes, and she clearly thinks she's alone. she's got a glass with her that seems like it came from the bar, and she's standing on one of the pews, inspecting one of the axolotl windows up close carefully, running a finger along the glass.
and then she appears to be startled when someone comes in after her.]
Ah, hello! I was just looking for someplace to be alone with my thoughts for a moment.
Isn't the point of going to a church is to hope that someone overhears your prayers?
[He shrugs, hands in his pockets, dressed in his school uniform. He'd ended up here to because he wanted to see the windows. He has little else to consider when it comes to these.]
I do. Or rather, I remember a sensation so profound that I thought it must be death. And then it was over, and here I was. Perhaps that's a distinction without a difference.
[Where ever they are, he's sitting on a ledge and swinging his feet. He looks... ambivalent. Not upset but not but quite as devil may care as last week.]
But people are also inclined to distrust and skepticism of things that seem too good to be true, and that can be a saving grace. [...] Also I suppose some people may have morals.
Too good to be true... for now. Humans will always choose pleasure and work to avoid pain. If this place becomes increasingly intolerable then what is promised to them by the apple is more enticing.
Morals will be put to the test.
[And he doesn't sound confident they'll pass that test. Don't trust a ho etc.]
I spent nearly all of my life in a room by myself. When faced with the prospect that I could be alone again, I realized how much I like that he's there with me. And I didn't want to be there if I'm alone.
Because my existence was to be kept secret from only a select few who knew what the future held in store. I was a trump card, many years in the making.
[Well, he can't really argue with that. If he'd lived a life outside, more like the First Child, then he'd probably be different. Less like himself and more like her.]
The destruction of the human race and the end of their reign on the planet.
That's right. Humans and angels are similar beings and yet we cannot co-exist. Only one species can survive on the planet and the other other must perish. If the human race survives, my people have no place.
[It's almost like a metaphor about how humans struggle to understand and exist with others.]
Because only one species can dominate. We are born to strive for our own survival and seek power. For an angel to touch our progenitor, Adam, would mean the instant destruction of Lilith's children, humans or Lilin as we know them.
[Wherever they are, Kaworu is standing dead still, eyes wide and one hand pressing the wall to steady himself. The other hand is frozen in front of his face as if poised to raise to his face. Blood drips out of his nose, rolls down the back of his hand, and splatters onto the floor.
I don't know. I see myself. But it's not me. I'm different. The world is different. Things happen differently.
[He reaches up to touch his neck as though expecting to feel the cold bite of a metal collar he's never actually worn despite the gesture coming so quickly to him.]
[He slumps down the wall, letting memories of sunsets meetings and four hands on the piano linger in his mind as though he could might capture and keep them, like catching a butterfly.
He wipes at his face and just spears blood everywhere in the process.]
Yes. I know I my life would be completely different if I'd been allowed to go out in the world and make connections with others. But my environment is always tightly controlled so that was never possible.
On the road, I met people. We were all in a shared predicament, so we were forced to travel together. But some of them had priorities that were different than mine.
We wound up spending a great deal of time that I'm not sure we had to spare untangling problems for other people. And I complained, and resented it, but... if I must live in the memory of a world where I put my foot down, where we never made those same choices, where I was willing to part ways with them over their weakness in insisting on using our efforts to save helpless peoples' lives, I find it a dreadful world to contemplate.
That is a terrifying thought, isn't it? [smile.] Unless it's the truth. In which case, I'm more afraid that the real one made a mistake and threw away everything that meant anything to me.
It is... but based on our previous conversations. I don't think that's the person you are. You seem like someone who means well. Just a bit sloppy for an adult.
[A week ago, he would have told her she was lucky and now she could move her metaphorical piano into the room. But now his first thoughts are different.]
I don't think we have enough information to know. It seemed that Jing Yuan chose Charlie out of a belief that she wouldn't fight back, whereas Hawke chose Adolphe out of a belief that he would be a decent match. Maybe it has something to do with their personalities, or how they're affected. Jing Yuan was apathetic and lazy, whereas Hawke seemed to have been suffering from overconfidence.
[or more specifically, if the theories are right, sloth versus pride.]
[i'm throwing us right into it. a door opens and they're deposited in the funhouse mirror area.
The funhouse mirrors take you down a path that seems to grow darker as you walk. What is reflected in the mirrors is a hazy landscape, all in grays, with swirling thick darkness that looks like smoke all around. Everything in this land is dead, everything. The ground is cracked and patched. No plants grow here, except for the odd glowing foliage of the underdark, which is adapted to darkness. There are no living animals, but there are beings in the dark. Undead corpses of animals with glowing eyes animated by some evil power, dark shadow shapes, even the corpses of people from time to time, ones who wandered in here and fell.
Other mirrors show flickers of the story of this land. A century ago, this was a thriving and lush landscape ruled over from the nearby castle, Moonrise Towers. There was a market town and many people who lived in the rural areas. But a curse was placed on this land by the goddess Shar. Everyone who once lived here either died or fled, because no life can thrive in the shadows. The shadow curse eats away at anyone who travels through it before they join the armies of undead.
Shadowheart is traveling through this land with her companions, Gale, Karlach, and Astarion. They’re using lanterns to keep the shadows at bay, but in the darker places, even that doesn’t work. But Shadowheart seems less affected by the others.
“The shadow curse… it doesn’t seem to affect me like it does others. Not as badly, at least.” Shadowheart’s voice sounds pleased. “Do you know what this means? Lady Shar is protecting me, while others are left to face her wrath.” She’s touched by this, like this is an unexpected blessing, a protection she didn’t think she’d be granted, but is now taking as proof of something she hadn’t thought she’d ever see proof of. “...She loves me. She must do.”
She notices the others slightly unimpressed, and adds - “Don’t give me that look. It’s a good thing I’m resistant to the shadows. I can help all of you.” And then more to herself - “Lady Shar wouldn’t bless me like this for no reason. There must be something she wants of me.”
The journey leads you deeper into these cursed lands. Despite Shadowheart’s claim of receiving a blessing, this is an awful place, and even she seems to be feeling it. Eventually, they come to a road, and find a destroyed caravan, bodies strewn all over the place. Men, women, children, all horned and colorful people, tieflings, lying murdered in the road, attacked. Though a few were armed, and though one or two of the bandits who killed them lie dead as well, most were refugees, not warriors.
(Memories on the mirrors on the other side of the wall. A party, in a serene grove, at night. A celebration in honor of Shadowheart and her friends. Tieflings drinking, dancing, toasting to them for helping save them and find a safe path to Baldur’s Gate. Many of the dead were among those remembered from the party, though some notable faces are missing.)
The sight is horrible, but the next turn through the mirrors leads to something else. An inn, easily visible through the darkness, as it is shrouded in an enormous bubble of light, blinding and looking like the surface of the moon. Inside the spell of protection, life can thrive and the shadows are banished. And Shadowheart and her friends find most of the remaining survivors of the tiefling caravan there, having been given shelter by the inn’s owner, a cleric named Isobel.
The reunion with the survivors is mixed. It’s a happy thing, that they survived and found shelter, but there’s no way to travel ahead, many of their party were killed, and many more are missing. Some of the children beg them to go find one of their friends who is being held captive; others as after missing loved ones and family members, but there’s no way to guarantee they can be saved or are even still alive.
Shadowheart goes upstairs with the others and meets Isobel. The conversation is brief, and tense, but perhaps there’s more there, if you linger and peer more deeply into the mirrors.
Isobel is at work renewing the ritual that protects this inn. It’s a beautiful thing, like summoning moonlight in her hands and letting it spread out across the area. She turns, and takes the party in.
“I didn’t realize I had an audience.” Her gaze falls on Shadowheart. “And a Sharran one, at that. Frankly, I’m surprised you’re willing to help us. Your kind aren’t known for their decency, particularly when a Sharran curse is our greatest obstacle.” She sighs. “But if you are who I think you are, I’d be a fool to reject your help.”
“I won’t be spoken to like that by a Selǔnite,” Shadowheart snaps back at her.
In an adjacent mirror, the shadow of Moonrise Towers, the enemy occupying it. An obstacle that Shadowheart and her friends must face, and an enemy of Isobel and all of the people taking refuge in this inn. For reasons unknown to you, the man controlling Moonrise Towers wants Isobel brought to him a prisoner, but if Isobel leaves this place, or falls, every last person inside the inn will fall to the shadow curse and die. She needs Shadowheart’s help, but Shadowheart has come here seeking help from her, as well.
“We’ve both got a bitter pill to swallow,” Isobel says, conciliatory. “When this is over, we can spit it back out. But for now, you’ll be needing a protection spell, won’t you?” the woman adds. “I see Shar has offered you protection already, but no harm from some extra. Even from a Selǔnite.”
Shadowheart agrees, and Isobel casts her spell, but as the magic washes over her, she clasps her hand in pain. The feeling of a spell using Selûne’s magic triggers pain from the old wound on her hand, reminding her that making peace this way is not accepted.
“Imagine being compelled to hide a shrine in a land that is utterly hostile to you and your goddess,” Shadowheart says, after they leave Isobel’s chambers. “Utter pig-headedness.”
“Hmm,” Gale says. “Tenacity might be a kinder word for it?”
“I’ll leave the kinder words to the softer hearts,” Shadowheart says.
Even so, without questioning it, Shadowheart and her friends defend the inn when forces from Moonrise Towers attack, keep them from taking Isobel or hurting her, so that Selûne’s protection can remain in place for a little longer.
There are more pathways, leading ahead, all lit by the glow of that protective moonlit spell. A story of a war between two goddesses, one that tends to use the lives of mortals as chess pieces, but more, too, some sort of deeper conflict within Shadowheart, one she doesn’t seem to understand herself. You can explore deeper, but there’s also a way out, back out of the hall of mirrors.
[Kaworu finds himself drawn into the the memory like being drawn into the story of a book. He doesn't understand Shadowheart's world and what it means to follow Shar or to be a Selunite but he does understand being defined by your nature and how that nature conflicts with others. Shar vs. Selǔne, Adam vs. Lilith, mankind vs. the angels... all locked into conflict in their struggle to dominate the other.
And yet, Shadowheart defies her own sense of self to help others. For a moment he pauses, raising his arms as the glow of the spell illuminates his pale skin and wonders what it would be like to feel such a thing. Was it warm? Did it comfort the refugees? Did it rally the troops?
memories follow down the hall. a young child, being taught, reciting her prayers. tongue tripping over the words, reaching for older, more familiar but no longer remembered ones. her progress observed, recorded in notebooks, with harsh punishment for any failure, pain in the wound marked on her hand any time she reached for a feeling or memory she wasn't supposed to have. taught to hate an enemy. the selûnites, hated, serving their selfish goddess who set the night aflame only to spite the dark. shar's chosen ones, her champions, must be strong so they can destroy her enemies, defend her.
but beneath that, somewhere, flashes of other memories. learning a different story, long ago. to love selûne, to trust the way she lit up the dark, to love the creatures and people who were dear to her. selûne would need believers, champions, to defend the peace, as twisted shar worshippers were always determined to destroy it.
neither story is all that different. both goddesses insist on winning this battle. both goddesses use their followers as pieces on the board. but the people who told her the story of selûne treated her with much more kindness, so the memory of that story, of that magic, is warmer.]
[He watches the child intently, as though seeing her experience a similar upbringing could soothe his bitterness over his own. Except it doesn't. There's no comfort in seeing memories of seeing another being treated like this. Eventually, he turns away and returns to the gentle light as though it's a beacon for lost souls. Being born knowing this light changes nothing in the world. Perhaps it might even make one ignorant about its harsh truths. But it would change one's world entirely to be raised with kindness and with others.
He thinks about the words he spoke to the First Child, "You and I are made of the same matter and appear to be children of men, made to live on this planet. But what is different... are the people we have come across, and how we have lived our lives up until now. You and I are very similar, but we are not the same."
He keeps trying to follow the light. Wherever it might take him. It's better than the dark.]
she is not a good sharran though, and even if the cat will die, she hates to see an animal hurt. she hates to see him toxic yaoi another boy into having to kill him.]
Do you still feel that way?
[she just wants to know if he's changed at all. he's seemed to change, over the past few weeks, from the boy who was so rigid in his way of seeing the world, a way of seeing that is obviously the fault of the circumstances he lived through. even in this memory, he's clearly trying, but the outcome is horrific.]
Yes. I still believe that there's kindness in giving someone a merciful death. Yet people put their own fear of feeling guilt over showing that kindness. Though at least some people here have been able to do the right thing.
[Like Anders with Hawke. He shifts to put his hands in his pockets, scuffing his shoe on the floor.]
Yes. What I would have suffered at the hands of the committee would have been much worse. And I got to die knowing someone cared about me and I'd be remembered.
Though... now, more than ever, I wish our meeting had been different. If I could try again, I wouldn't do it the same way.
I don't know if I agree that that's all that matters. You're thinking about what you want, about what he can make you feel, but what about how you make him feel?
[her emotions are nowhere near as sexy and mysterious and she would like them to seem.
she had a long and difficult weekend, and is still feeling tired and drained, but she's not feeling despair or the intense anger she'd been feeling on sunday. she's determined to keep going, fueled by a mix of spite and something more positive.
also, she becomes playfully amused when she notices him.]
[If there is, a child might not be interested in the difference. Kaworu is brimming with curiosity and an innocent joy. Someone who is happy just to return to a room where someone else is there instead of empty solitary space. Someone pleased to have anyone pay him mind. Someone excited to have kids his age to talk to.
And all he wants is to pursue those things for as long as he can.]
[there is nastiness in his gremlin heart but there's little that comes from a place of malice. It's mostly a deep selfishness to take what he wants no matter what because he's never been able to take before.
(Except for Mizu who insulted his evidence investigation. Screw them!!!)
Well it's nice to feel a positive feeling.]
Hmm. Then perhaps I am nosy. Is that alright? Or are you very good at pretending you don't want to know what others are feeling.
[she was mainly just teasing him. he can feel her feelings, which are nowhere as reserved or derisive as the way she acts. she does just feel a little fond of him. he’s hilarious, but also very sweet, and she can relate a bit, to growing up being molded to be something that will accomplish some higher purpose you care nothing for.]
You’ll find many people are a bit unenthused about having their feelings so on display. It tends to be nice knowing it’s possible to hide them should the need arise.
[Well, he's unsure of what to think of being considered cute. He thought that was for girls and small animals but it pleases him all the same. There's a fondness for her as well but more than that, a feeling of trust. Which he hasn't felt for an adult before this place. He settles next to her.]
I don't understand it. Everyone goes through so much trouble to hide their feelings but for what? It seems like that only causes confusion and misunderstanding.
[this is one of those moments where it's hard to know if you should say something hurtful and true or something soothing. and she's really not sure what's right.]
You're hurting right now, because you lost someone. And I want you to consider that pain, and consider whether you truly want the friends you've made here to feel it over you.
[she has seen his memories, which is why she doubts he actually understands.]
Of course I don't. But we're here and forced to make choices. Even if Akihiko was forced to do something terrible... doesn't it matter if he has family somewhere and I don't? Doesn't it makes sense to make a different choice? Our lives are not equal.
Why not? It would have been an easy one. Why couldn't we choose it?
It makes sense. He looks at her and laughs a little. He doesn't think she's wrong for thinking that. Only because its funny she thinks they're the same.]
It does. Your life has value. I decided to devalue my life. I chose it. I'm not upset.
Yes. The consequences will fall on the ones who cared for you. You'll escape feeling pain, but they'll be left to suffer for it. Is that something you're alright with, then?
You feel sorry for Anders, when he feels pain over Hawke, but he'd feel that over you as well. I don't think you'd wish for that.
[she knows he hasn't considered it, she understands at this point that he's only selfish the way a little kid is selfish, when he hasn't thought through what he does might mean for anyone else.]
Many of the things you believe remind me of the things I was taught to believe.
That isn't entirely a bad thing. [not. being sad. the beliefs part.] You were taught a way to exist by people who only wanted to use you, who wanted to teach you only the things that would help them achieve their aims.
Trying to learn something new is painful, but it will be worth it. [she is still so new to all of this, still trying to convince herself of this fact, and she's lying. she doesn't know if it's worth it yet. she just hopes it will be.]
[well she is at the corgi train god damn it. the owlbear cub is here too. you would think having a cub that is as big as a large dog but burly with bear claws and a beak would be a bad fit for a bunch of cute dogs, but the cub seems used to dogs; he basically plays with them like he's in a precious documentary about a baby lion cub who was socialized by a domestic dog, like he has dog behaviors and stuff. it's very cute.
shadowheart is also here, petting a couple little corgis.]
Well, slow down, slow down. Don't be jealous, there is enough petting to go around for everyone.
[she seems like, despite everything, she's in a lighter mood. she'll wave at him.]
Hello, Kaworu. Come over here, won't you? There's only one of me, and such great need.
[Wow. It's so cute. The puppies... the owl bear... it's like his brain is expanding a million miles per hour at being able to comprehend the meaning of "cute" in the context of being unrelated to other teenage boys.
He goes over and sits down next to her, looking at all the puppies like 🥹. Though he doesn't quite know what to do so he... experimentally sticks his hand out?
[The first attempt at petting a dog is awkward. Too much of a quick "pat-pat" motion that makes the dog give him a look (tm). Then he tries again, this time with a longer stroke behind the ears that it seems to appreciate as it settles down next to him.]
[Picks up a stick... is mobbed by doggies until he throws it as far as he can (not far). He plays with them for a bit like this. Then he rubs his arms and the back of his neck before standing up looking confused.]
He's bandaged up, one eye and arm covered in bandages, a wet cloth on his head to bring the fever down. Most people he been shying away from but for her he tries to sit up.]
[There's a lot of feelings but the primary one is emptiness. Like whatever spark within him has been snuffed out and there's only a few pitiful embers remaining.]
[A him that was willing to kill for a twisted thought that it would mean keeping those people near. Not to mention what he saw in the fade. He's an inconvenience and troublesome.]
[okay. she will just come and sit with him. she doesn't know what happened to him in the fade, but she does know what she saw happen.]
There is a me who has done terrible things too, and she is standing right here. I don't remember all of them, but I know I have been cruel and I have tortured and I have killed and I have caused suffering for people for no reason other than that I was made to believe I had to be that sort of person.
You are not alone in feeling horror about the things you are capable of when pushed to extremes.
[It's supposed to be comforting and in some ways it is. But was he really made to believe he was that person? Or was it just someone who could act on feelings that he'd always home.]
I don't know. I feel some of those things. I don't... I don't want to be alone. I want someone to want me next to them.
[a little wince at that, as something very envious rattles her. that same feeling, really, just a little differently shaped. why is it something so many can take for granted, when she never has.]
I know I am not a cute boy, but I want you next to me.
[He wants to smile for her. He knows that's the right thing to do. But instead a tear starts to run from single visible eye and he sniffles and wipes it away.]
[it's just a fleeting thought, not even truly her own. she pushes it away.]
It didn't, but I think last time I envied Fidelio, because he kept his own mind, he did all the right things. And now I'm quite aware that isn't an enviable position to be in, either.
I don't even know if I was entirely helpless. [i mean she did kill a bunch of them.] But... I feel sorry for the girl that I was.
[some version of her who never had contemplated all of her friends bursting into monsters and picking up a sword and putting them down was traumatized by all of this.]
The point is, I hated watching that happen to all of you.
From their letters, I think they have been keeping their spirits quite high. I think we are the ones who have been suffering, on this side. Or at the least, they feel we are, and feel that they ought to make sure we can feel their optimism.
Is there someone in particular you're thinking of?
[Just kind of... gently landing by her from somewhere above. Wherever they are in this world that keeps going more and more wrong. One thing that has gone right are his injuries which are now a few bandages on his arm and one his cheek below his eye. The rest has turned to scars.]
Yes. As long as our core remains intact, angels can regenerate our bodies and heal injuries.
[A SHRUG. Listen, he's just a guy compared to the other angels.]
I'm not really like my brethren, this human form is pretty limited. At best I can generate a powerful force using my soul for defense and to propel myself places.
No, I understand that. And it isn't as though it is a bad impulse, but... I don't think you should think of that as your only purpose. Nor assume it is all up to you.
Well, that is fine, and I'm glad you may get the chance. I just don't want you to overdo it. We can fight together, no one needs to be responsible for protecting everyone.
[she laughs a little despite herself. gremlin behavior.]
Even if you are, it is polite to share.
[but he truly described his primary power as regeneration, not melting enemies with laser eyes. it might be a different conversation otherwise but don't just go get your twink body wrecked and then regenerate it endlessly.]
[our beach is back! our beautiful beach. she has showered and changed out of whatever hideous outfit i forced her to be in and is instead wearing something simple and comfortable and sitting out on the beach.]
[it was not a secret, but she also knew he was going with anders, not her, and she did not have complete trust in him to actually come with her at any point in time until now.]
I haven't seen much of the world. Or at least, I can't remember much of it. And a lot of what I experienced was very difficult and sad.
I don't think anyone is guaranteed happiness, but despite that, I believe that it is there to be found. I have experienced it, even in brief moments. I would not let you come if I didn't think you could find it.
[on the other hand we don't have like tv or anything so do consider that.]
I know you aren't afraid, but it's a nasty business. Not all of us will go into the thick of it. Waiting at camp with some of the others who won't join the fight is fine, but if you prefer to stay close, that's your choice.
[she doesn't really know what the plot of her game holds after moonrise though, the plan has always been to just finish act 2 and then she assumes they will have killed the absolute and it will be possible and easy to get everyone to baldur's gate where they can be free of all of this nonsense.]
[Unfortunately then it's everyone and their mother gets a sidequest and you're all over every inch of that city.
He is still for a second, letting the tide fill his open palms and then recede.]
If I stay back and wait, I'll spend all my time wondering if I'll ever see you come back. I would rather risk death. That way, I can at least fight to shape my own fate.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
saturday 0
and then she appears to be startled when someone comes in after her.]
Ah, hello! I was just looking for someplace to be alone with my thoughts for a moment.
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[He shrugs, hands in his pockets, dressed in his school uniform. He'd ended up here to because he wanted to see the windows. He has little else to consider when it comes to these.]
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I wasn't hoping a salamander would overhear.
[also this isn't her sort of church, she was more wondering if she should desecrate it.]
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[Why go to a church if not to do... church things.]
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[He is skeptical.]
Where I'm from, people often had conflicting views on what happens after death.
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[He does... but he just realized that maybe that's not the case for everyone.]
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Do you?
friday; week 1
Well. I certainly can't say I'm surprised.
[but she's still troubled, purple and black smoke patterns starting to blossom across her skin.]
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[Where ever they are, he's sitting on a ledge and swinging his feet. He looks... ambivalent. Not upset but not but quite as devil may care as last week.]
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Those apples were compelling temptations.
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Wouldn't more people be dead if that were so? Those are deep-seated desires of many humans and should tempt them easily.
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[you little gremlin.]
But people are also inclined to distrust and skepticism of things that seem too good to be true, and that can be a saving grace. [...] Also I suppose some people may have morals.
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Morals will be put to the test.
[And he doesn't sound confident they'll pass that test. Don't trust a ho etc.]
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But not you? You're different?
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[you seem like you really want to kiss boys.]
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[THERE'S NO KISS A BOY APPLE GODDAMN.]
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Neither do I. They could get a lot more specific and have a better chance.
saturday; week 1
Well. I certainly hope she's not a violent murderer, after all that.
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Do you think she was lying?
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[that's the bitch, isn't it? you just can't know for sure.]
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[she doesn't seem that threatening it's hard to take that seriously.]
How are you feeling?
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My head hurts. And I feel like I'm seasick.
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[it was just a bit of a surprise to knew he really did care.]
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[Just kind of slumps down... in the pew, one arm thrown over his face.]
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[genuine. she will let him slump, making no move to assist.]
I meant more... it was because you liked having him as a roommate so much?
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Why were you alone?
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[she says this glibly, but she doesn't mean it that way. if anything, it hits home somehow, even if she's not certain why.]
What did they want to use you for?
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The destruction of the human race and the end of their reign on the planet.
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Because only one species can dominate. We are born to strive for our own survival and seek power. For an angel to touch our progenitor, Adam, would mean the instant destruction of Lilith's children, humans or Lilin as we know them.
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I wonder if that's true, or if it's only something they told you to believe?
[but she's thinking more about herself now than about him.]
Week 2, Monday
"̵M̵a̵y̴b̴e̴ ̶I̷ ̶w̴a̵s̵ ̶b̶o̷r̴n̶ ̴t̵o̵ ̶m̷e̶e̸t̴ ̵y̸o̶u̵.̸"̷
̸
̸"̵T̸h̸i̶s̴ ̵t̵i̸m̷e̸,̷ ̴I̷ ̸w̶i̷l̸l̴ ̸m̷a̴k̴e̶ ̴y̴o̵u̸ ̷h̸a̸p̴p̴y̵.̶.̶.̴"̷
Words that he never remembers saying flood his memories, tearing up his recollection like typhoon winds.]
There's something wrong with my memories.
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Yours too?
[she laughs a little, though it's humorless. he's obviously suffering, but of course he'd tell her about it. why wouldn't he?]
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Well... if it's not me then it must be this place.
[Like that's comforting but he does seem to be glad he's not alone.]
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[He reaches up to touch his neck as though expecting to feel the cold bite of a metal collar he's never actually worn despite the gesture coming so quickly to him.]
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[she kind of gets it. it's unsettling, to not be sure what's real.]
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[He slumps down the wall, letting memories of sunsets meetings and four hands on the piano linger in his mind as though he could might capture and keep them, like catching a butterfly.
He wipes at his face and just spears blood everywhere in the process.]
It always has the same ending.
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[too many possible endings, with no way to remember anymore which one was true.]
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So which one are you now?
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[what does he mean by that...]
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[He leans his head back against the wall, exhaling slowly, like someone trying not to get motion sick.]
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Don't you ever feel that if things had happened to you differently, you might be a very different person?
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What made the difference?
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Maybe it's that I did get the chance to go out into the world. Whatever those first connections you had were would matter, wouldn't they?
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[He leans back against the wall, letting his body go slack.]
Who were they?
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On the road, I met people. We were all in a shared predicament, so we were forced to travel together. But some of them had priorities that were different than mine.
We wound up spending a great deal of time that I'm not sure we had to spare untangling problems for other people. And I complained, and resented it, but... if I must live in the memory of a world where I put my foot down, where we never made those same choices, where I was willing to part ways with them over their weakness in insisting on using our efforts to save helpless peoples' lives, I find it a dreadful world to contemplate.
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Are you afraid that the real you might be one where you chose to say the same?
[He would be.]
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You're annoying for a child, so we're even. [...] Thank you for saying so.
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[You're not supposed to say that outloud!]
Besides even if you weren't the person you hoped you were, you can still change. Don't let fate become your cage.
week 2; friday
where are we, the void? she's here in the void.]
A room to myself at last.
[wait...]
Um, awful joke. I find it hard to believe anyone would have hurt her.
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I didn't know her well. What was she like?
[A week ago, he would have told her she was lucky and now she could move her metaphorical piano into the room. But now his first thoughts are different.]
Do you think she was targeted?
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[which is a good trait, in a way.]
I think whoever killed her was likely not in their right mind. Like Hawke, last week.
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And so that begs the question: is their victim also a victim of chance or are they choosing specific targets?
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I don't think we have enough information to know. It seemed that Jing Yuan chose Charlie out of a belief that she wouldn't fight back, whereas Hawke chose Adolphe out of a belief that he would be a decent match. Maybe it has something to do with their personalities, or how they're affected. Jing Yuan was apathetic and lazy, whereas Hawke seemed to have been suffering from overconfidence.
[or more specifically, if the theories are right, sloth versus pride.]
week 3; monday
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And yet, Shadowheart defies her own sense of self to help others. For a moment he pauses, raising his arms as the glow of the spell illuminates his pale skin and wonders what it would be like to feel such a thing. Was it warm? Did it comfort the refugees? Did it rally the troops?
He continues down the hall in search of answers.]
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memories follow down the hall. a young child, being taught, reciting her prayers. tongue tripping over the words, reaching for older, more familiar but no longer remembered ones. her progress observed, recorded in notebooks, with harsh punishment for any failure, pain in the wound marked on her hand any time she reached for a feeling or memory she wasn't supposed to have. taught to hate an enemy. the selûnites, hated, serving their selfish goddess who set the night aflame only to spite the dark. shar's chosen ones, her champions, must be strong so they can destroy her enemies, defend her.
but beneath that, somewhere, flashes of other memories. learning a different story, long ago. to love selûne, to trust the way she lit up the dark, to love the creatures and people who were dear to her. selûne would need believers, champions, to defend the peace, as twisted shar worshippers were always determined to destroy it.
neither story is all that different. both goddesses insist on winning this battle. both goddesses use their followers as pieces on the board. but the people who told her the story of selûne treated her with much more kindness, so the memory of that story, of that magic, is warmer.]
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He thinks about the words he spoke to the First Child, "You and I are made of the same matter and appear to be children of men, made to live on this planet. But what is different... are the people we have come across, and how we have lived our lives up until now. You and I are very similar, but we are not the same."
He keeps trying to follow the light. Wherever it might take him. It's better than the dark.]
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I wouldn't keep going deeper. There's not all that much, that way.
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Did you ever live in the light? Or is it an echo of what could have been?
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...I don't know. Maybe I did, once, but I can't remember anymore.
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[He thinks he could understand struggling with that ambiguity.]
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[it's not the kind of thing she could know the answer to. maybe she'll remember it someday, but maybe she won't.
anyway, gimme a memory back.]
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she is not a good sharran though, and even if the cat will die, she hates to see an animal hurt. she hates to see him toxic yaoi another boy into having to kill him.]
Do you still feel that way?
[she just wants to know if he's changed at all. he's seemed to change, over the past few weeks, from the boy who was so rigid in his way of seeing the world, a way of seeing that is obviously the fault of the circumstances he lived through. even in this memory, he's clearly trying, but the outcome is horrific.]
Are you glad he did it?
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[Like Anders with Hawke. He shifts to put his hands in his pockets, scuffing his shoe on the floor.]
Yes. What I would have suffered at the hands of the committee would have been much worse. And I got to die knowing someone cared about me and I'd be remembered.
Though... now, more than ever, I wish our meeting had been different. If I could try again, I wouldn't do it the same way.
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You'll be remembered, but for him, your memory will always hurt.
[not that she thinks he should have died at the hands of these people who hurt him. but he should know, too.]
What would you do differently, if you could?
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[he'd never had much so he'll take what he can get. Even if the memory hurts at least it exists.]
I don't know exactly. But I'd approach him for my own reasons and not because the committee instructed me to watch him.
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[doesn't that matter, too?]
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But no he actually lets his gaze connect with hers.]
I hope he comes to understand he did the right thing even if it was painful and will find comfort in knowing that truth.
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[but he doesn't seem to get it.]
Do you even want to go back, then? Get another chance with him?
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[He laces his fingers together and shrugs a little.]
But I don't know if you can redo what has been done.
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[there are cute boys in every universe but most of them don't put children in boxes for their whole life.]
Not that mine is significantly improved...
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[he looks up at her.]
Your world has many different paths. I've seen them. There's hope.
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[there's not freedom from that just because there are choices.]
I rejected my purpose, and maybe that was meant to do, but it doesn't mean I have a sense of what the future ought to hold for me.
Week 4, Monday
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she had a long and difficult weekend, and is still feeling tired and drained, but she's not feeling despair or the intense anger she'd been feeling on sunday. she's determined to keep going, fueled by a mix of spite and something more positive.
also, she becomes playfully amused when she notices him.]
Are you being nosy?
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I was curious.
[That's just a nicer name for 'nosy'.]
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[what is he feeling today?]
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[If there is, a child might not be interested in the difference. Kaworu is brimming with curiosity and an innocent joy. Someone who is happy just to return to a room where someone else is there instead of empty solitary space. Someone pleased to have anyone pay him mind. Someone excited to have kids his age to talk to.
And all he wants is to pursue those things for as long as he can.]
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it's... so cute... that is her emotion.]
Possibly not, but I think nosy implies that you know you ought not to be doing something and are doing it anyway.
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(Except for Mizu who insulted his evidence investigation. Screw them!!!)
Well it's nice to feel a positive feeling.]
Hmm. Then perhaps I am nosy. Is that alright? Or are you very good at pretending you don't want to know what others are feeling.
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[she was mainly just teasing him. he can feel her feelings, which are nowhere as reserved or derisive as the way she acts. she does just feel a little fond of him. he’s hilarious, but also very sweet, and she can relate a bit, to growing up being molded to be something that will accomplish some higher purpose you care nothing for.]
You’ll find many people are a bit unenthused about having their feelings so on display. It tends to be nice knowing it’s possible to hide them should the need arise.
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I don't understand it. Everyone goes through so much trouble to hide their feelings but for what? It seems like that only causes confusion and misunderstanding.
week 4; saturday
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He's going to just finish and stumble away, rather dazed. Like he doesn't really know why that happened.]
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Kaworu? If you're ill, you should probably sit down.
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I'm fine.
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[and she is really tired of standing, but...]
No one would begrudge you pain, but you must not threaten your own life like that.
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You're hurting right now, because you lost someone. And I want you to consider that pain, and consider whether you truly want the friends you've made here to feel it over you.
[she has seen his memories, which is why she doubts he actually understands.]
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[he wouldn't have saved akihiko, he would have just also died.]
But I don't have a family somewhere either [laughs in act 3 spoilers] and I still believe my life has value.
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It makes sense. He looks at her and laughs a little. He doesn't think she's wrong for thinking that. Only because its funny she thinks they're the same.]
It does. Your life has value. I decided to devalue my life. I chose it. I'm not upset.
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Ah. But I don't think you get to decide that. Other people dictate the value, not you.
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[Bro punch him.]
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Yes. The consequences will fall on the ones who cared for you. You'll escape feeling pain, but they'll be left to suffer for it. Is that something you're alright with, then?
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[He isn't deflecting. He means it. Caring about others... being cared about in return... its so new.]
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[she knows he hasn't considered it, she understands at this point that he's only selfish the way a little kid is selfish, when he hasn't thought through what he does might mean for anyone else.]
Many of the things you believe remind me of the things I was taught to believe.
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[He shifts, rubbing his his arm, tasting the acid in the back of his mouth.]
I don't know what I believe anymore.
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Trying to learn something new is painful, but it will be worth it. [she is still so new to all of this, still trying to convince herself of this fact, and she's lying. she doesn't know if it's worth it yet. she just hopes it will be.]
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It has to be worth it. Otherwise, what's the point of all this? If there's no place to take what I learn?
[Just pain? Is that really the reason he's here instead of free within the void?]
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It's not only pain, right? There are things that make you happy, I know that's true. [for example, comedy roasts.]
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[He does love a good roast... he leans into her hand. ]
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But it will come back.
week 5; monday
shadowheart is also here, petting a couple little corgis.]
Well, slow down, slow down. Don't be jealous, there is enough petting to go around for everyone.
[she seems like, despite everything, she's in a lighter mood. she'll wave at him.]
Hello, Kaworu. Come over here, won't you? There's only one of me, and such great need.
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He goes over and sits down next to her, looking at all the puppies like 🥹. Though he doesn't quite know what to do so he... experimentally sticks his hand out?
Will a dog come for his hand?
Of course a dog comes for his hand.]
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Just go ahead and give him a little pat, he'll like that.
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They're so "cute"? Is that the word?
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[watching him pet.]
They're so friendly, it's very calming, isn't it?
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[Some of them are coming and trying lick his face. He sputters and tries to shove the pup away except then more come and lick his arms.]
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[even if that's the saddest way to put it you sad little orphan.]
It's hard to object to feeling as though someone is very happy to have you around.
[she will idly pick up a little stick and start throwing it to have a couple pups chase it.]
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Yes. It's like last week but without the bad.
[Picks up a stick... is mobbed by doggies until he throws it as far as he can (not far). He plays with them for a bit like this. Then he rubs his arms and the back of his neck before standing up looking confused.]
I'm itchy.
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Itchy? Oh no.
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[his arms are breaking out a cool rash]
week 5; friday
...I can't believe it.
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[He just has his arms wrapped around himself.]
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Even though I know we'll see them again, it's still hard.
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What if we don't? Or what if... there's part of them that's missing?
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[He just wants everyone intact okay.]
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[Choosing his own death is one thing. Being forced to choose another's fate against his will? Terrible.]
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Of course, but you don't need to worry about me. I'm a little more used to violence.
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[Everyone here has shaped him into more of a person, less of a tool.]
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[said fondly, if a bit tiredly.]
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I can see I can't argue with you here.
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We'll see what tomorrow brings, won't we? [because there's no way to reassure him when it might be true.]
week 6; thursday
Kaworu?
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He's bandaged up, one eye and arm covered in bandages, a wet cloth on his head to bring the fever down. Most people he been shying away from but for her he tries to sit up.]
Shadowheart?
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[she trusts others to take care of his injuries, so she won't check those. but thought sharing worry over at him.]
That was nasty, to say the least.
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[There's a lot of feelings but the primary one is emptiness. Like whatever spark within him has been snuffed out and there's only a few pitiful embers remaining.]
I wish I could undo it. All those things I did.
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[she's alive, anders is alive, charlie is still dead but that has nothing to do with him.]
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[A him that was willing to kill for a twisted thought that it would mean keeping those people near. Not to mention what he saw in the fade. He's an inconvenience and troublesome.]
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There is a me who has done terrible things too, and she is standing right here. I don't remember all of them, but I know I have been cruel and I have tortured and I have killed and I have caused suffering for people for no reason other than that I was made to believe I had to be that sort of person.
You are not alone in feeling horror about the things you are capable of when pushed to extremes.
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I don't know. I feel some of those things. I don't... I don't want to be alone. I want someone to want me next to them.
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I know I am not a cute boy, but I want you next to me.
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I want you near me too.
[He just presses his face into her shoulder.]
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What that place did... none of us could have easily resisted. I was on guard, because it happened to me last time.
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I'm sorry it happened to you again.
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[it's just a fleeting thought, not even truly her own. she pushes it away.]
It didn't, but I think last time I envied Fidelio, because he kept his own mind, he did all the right things. And now I'm quite aware that isn't an enviable position to be in, either.
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[some version of her who never had contemplated all of her friends bursting into monsters and picking up a sword and putting them down was traumatized by all of this.]
The point is, I hated watching that happen to all of you.
week 6; kaworu
...Hey. That was horrible, wasn't it? How are you feeling?
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Unsettled. When everything reset... It was terrible.
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[Loops. Repeating. Cycles. Pure terror. He looks up at her.]
It went on for so long. Even if they're back tomorrow. They still had to feel that.
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[Happy? Sad?]
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Is there someone in particular you're thinking of?
Week 7, Monday
So did you actually cheat?
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[frowning!]
...I see that you've already been healed, at least.
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[He nods.]
My body started healing like it was supposed to this morning.
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[fly, apparently.]
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[A SHRUG. Listen, he's just a guy compared to the other angels.]
I'm not really like my brethren, this human form is pretty limited. At best I can generate a powerful force using my soul for defense and to propel myself places.
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That's good, though. You'll be able to keep yourself safe, even if things get dangerous this week.
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[those powers are just regeneration... thats messy...]
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To be yourself, as you were before today.
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No, I understand that. And it isn't as though it is a bad impulse, but... I don't think you should think of that as your only purpose. Nor assume it is all up to you.
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Well, that is fine, and I'm glad you may get the chance. I just don't want you to overdo it. We can fight together, no one needs to be responsible for protecting everyone.
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Even if you are, it is polite to share.
[but he truly described his primary power as regeneration, not melting enemies with laser eyes. it might be a different conversation otherwise but don't just go get your twink body wrecked and then regenerate it endlessly.]
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Anyway, he's deeply considering how much he cares to be polite.]
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That is an unfairly good reason.
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week 7; saturday
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I suppose I don't have to say goodbye to you, do I?
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[hopefully it was not secret or anything.]
...Do you really think there is happiness for us to find there?
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I haven't seen much of the world. Or at least, I can't remember much of it. And a lot of what I experienced was very difficult and sad.
I don't think anyone is guaranteed happiness, but despite that, I believe that it is there to be found. I have experienced it, even in brief moments. I would not let you come if I didn't think you could find it.
[on the other hand we don't have like tv or anything so do consider that.]
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[he pushes his hands into these sand and then watches the tide strip away the imprints.]
Are we going to find it together?
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We will have to fight a little longer. Though you do not have to. You can come along and remain safe if you prefer.
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[maybe he should be but he isn't. All he needs is a reason. And people are enough of a reason even if he doesn't care about the land itself.]
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[she doesn't really know what the plot of her game holds after moonrise though, the plan has always been to just finish act 2 and then she assumes they will have killed the absolute and it will be possible and easy to get everyone to baldur's gate where they can be free of all of this nonsense.]
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He is still for a second, letting the tide fill his open palms and then recede.]
If I stay back and wait, I'll spend all my time wondering if I'll ever see you come back. I would rather risk death. That way, I can at least fight to shape my own fate.