pc: kaworu

[sacredpath]

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week 6; thursday

[sacredpath]

[hopital. she's recovering. bandaged up and everything, still bruised to shit. how's kaworu. she would drag herself to go check on him.]

Kaworu?

[peripheries]

[Hopital.

He's bandaged up, one eye and arm covered in bandages, a wet cloth on his head to bring the fever down. Most people he been shying away from but for her he tries to sit up.]

Shadowheart?

[sacredpath]

How are you feeling?

[she trusts others to take care of his injuries, so she won't check those. but thought sharing worry over at him.]

That was nasty, to say the least.

[peripheries]

Hurts.

[There's a lot of feelings but the primary one is emptiness. Like whatever spark within him has been snuffed out and there's only a few pitiful embers remaining.]

I wish I could undo it. All those things I did.

[sacredpath]

Can't ever undo anything, I'm afraid. But this is the closest you'll ever come, since it wasn't, in any true sense, real.

[she's alive, anders is alive, charlie is still dead but that has nothing to do with him.]

[peripheries]

There's still a me that did those things.

[A him that was willing to kill for a twisted thought that it would mean keeping those people near. Not to mention what he saw in the fade. He's an inconvenience and troublesome.]

[sacredpath]

[okay. she will just come and sit with him. she doesn't know what happened to him in the fade, but she does know what she saw happen.]

There is a me who has done terrible things too, and she is standing right here. I don't remember all of them, but I know I have been cruel and I have tortured and I have killed and I have caused suffering for people for no reason other than that I was made to believe I had to be that sort of person.

You are not alone in feeling horror about the things you are capable of when pushed to extremes.

[peripheries]

[It's supposed to be comforting and in some ways it is. But was he really made to believe he was that person? Or was it just someone who could act on feelings that he'd always home.]

I don't know. I feel some of those things. I don't... I don't want to be alone. I want someone to want me next to them.

[sacredpath]

[a little wince at that, as something very envious rattles her. that same feeling, really, just a little differently shaped. why is it something so many can take for granted, when she never has.]

I know I am not a cute boy, but I want you next to me.

[peripheries]

[He wants to smile for her. He knows that's the right thing to do. But instead a tear starts to run from single visible eye and he sniffles and wipes it away.]

I want you near me too.

[He just presses his face into her shoulder.]

[sacredpath]

[holds him. and an ugly feeling, envy again. why does he get to be comforted. no one ever comforted her when she was young and needed it.]

What that place did... none of us could have easily resisted. I was on guard, because it happened to me last time.

[peripheries]

[He feels guilty. Like maybe he should pull away. Stop seeking comfort from her if she never got it from anyone. But he doesn't want to pull away.]

I'm sorry it happened to you again.

[sacredpath]

It's alright.

[it's just a fleeting thought, not even truly her own. she pushes it away.]

It didn't, but I think last time I envied Fidelio, because he kept his own mind, he did all the right things. And now I'm quite aware that isn't an enviable position to be in, either.

[peripheries]

Being helpless can be worse than being a victim.

[sacredpath]

I don't even know if I was entirely helpless. [i mean she did kill a bunch of them.] But... I feel sorry for the girl that I was.

[some version of her who never had contemplated all of her friends bursting into monsters and picking up a sword and putting them down was traumatized by all of this.]

The point is, I hated watching that happen to all of you.