I don't know if I should talk about it before I talk about it with him.
[but it's jiaoqiu, so she will anyway, just explaining.]
At least, that's how I felt about it. The idea that everyone would be talking about and dissecting some awful experience that came from my life, in conversations I wouldn't be apart of... [there's a reason she just got sloppy drunk that night.] How did you feel?
[ his ear flicks, and he nods a little, leaning forward to rest his arms on the bed. ]
It was a little out of my control, I think. That first week, I don't think anybody knew that they were memories. Still, even so... I don't know that it bothered me that others spoke about it so much as I was concerned that it so terribly hurt those who went.
[ ... ]
I suspect I may have seen memories similar to what you experienced, in any case.
That is what I assumed. I watched it terrorize him and a friend at a young age. [ ... ] It apparently showed up when he was being haunted by my memories, as well. Persistent terror.
[ a beat. ]
Were you immersed as well? Your memories replaced.
[god, she'll just explain things about this cyoa i guess instead of being a little bitch.]
It took the form of a friend of mine, someone whose judgment I trust, and convinced me to start killing people. [that sounds bad but like. situationally. there are a lot of problems that do come up in bg3 where the solution is to wander into a random place and just start killing.] So, I did.
[that was not her favorite reaction, but then again, it's her fault for phrasing it in a flippant way. she's talking about it like it's no big deal, and yet it feels like some sort of proof that there's something terribly wrong with her.
but anyway, to that question, she assumes he sort of guesses the answer, so.]
... I know that it's difficult to just believe it, when someone says it to you. [ ... ] These journeys are made to hurt us. They take your most vulnerable parts, and they use them against you, to convince you that you are nothing more than a monster.
We've talked about this before, yes? When you didn't want to remember all that you've done. The person you are now feels remorse and horror for the things she was coerced into doing, yes?
I'm sorry that you were pushed to a limit by someone you trust. I cannot imagine how difficult it must be to have to weigh everything in the aftermath.
[she squeezes his hand. it hurts to ask for help, when she's feeling like this, all raw edges. she wants to lick her wounds alone like she always does. but it admittedly feels very nice to have someone take her hand and be kind to her.
no matter how she belittles it, he does see how this hurt her, so instead she tells him something else, blinking back tears.]
I think my father was there. And I don't understand, because I don't have a father.
[ he keeps holding her hand, his heart aching at the tears she's blinking back. ]
Are you sure? [ he asks, softer. he doesn't want to push her too hard when she's already so vulnerable, but... ] Or is he one of the things you've had taken from you?
[she's bringing it up because she wants to be pushed a little, tired of trying to work it through all on her own, even though she goes a little rigid at the memory. he's holding the wrong hand, but her other one clenches, there's pain.]
I know that man's face from a memory I saw the other week. It's possible I decided to assume something that I wanted to believe, and whatever force puts us into those situations drew on it.
[if these are all just nightmares, reflections of one person's past and their own fears and insecurities, then maybe this is a reflection of a nicer dream, but one that is no less true.]
[ he's careful, but he watches her - notes the way she clenches her fist. ]
It's possible, but I think it's unlikely. [ he strokes her hand with his thumb. ]
You are missing so many memories, Shadowheart. But they never leave you entirely, and this place in particular seems persistent in pulling them up. I don't see why it'd be necessary to make up a father for you when it's so much easier to take something that already exists and turn it on you.
[ a beat. ]
You're clenching your other fist. Are you in pain? [ i know why she's doing it but jiaoqiu doesn't, and he's concerned... ]
[it hurts, but compared to all of the injuries she has right now, it's hard to focus too much on that.]
It hurts sometimes, if I try too hard to remember. [so that's another aspect about her inability to remember things. anyway, she sighs, relaxing a little as the initial jolt dies down.]
The thing I can't understand, if he was only there as part of this dream, is why he would have been kind to me. [somehow that's fucking her up more than if he'd just been used like any other memory of a person, the way these things tend to use them. used to manipulate her or torment her or simply canon fodder.]
He... in it, we'd been children together, and then we died and disappeared. And he hadn't been there in the part where we were children, but when I saw him again at the end, it sounded like... he was there because he'd been looking for me. He was trying to find out what happened to me.
[and this is so heart-breaking because she had always wondered if anyone had tried.]
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branchandroot
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Date: 2025-03-13 09:14 pm (UTC)...Not the best, I would say. Are Anders and Fidelio alright?
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Date: 2025-03-13 09:20 pm (UTC)They're alive, and resting. I've seen to both of them myself.
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Date: 2025-03-13 09:33 pm (UTC)...Good.
[relieved. she was worried about them.]
We weren't together at the end of it, so I didn't know what happened.
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Date: 2025-03-13 09:44 pm (UTC)Where did you end up? [ he has suspicions, because of what he's seen in memories. ]
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Date: 2025-03-13 09:47 pm (UTC)I don't know if I should talk about it before I talk about it with him.
[but it's jiaoqiu, so she will anyway, just explaining.]
At least, that's how I felt about it. The idea that everyone would be talking about and dissecting some awful experience that came from my life, in conversations I wouldn't be apart of... [there's a reason she just got sloppy drunk that night.] How did you feel?
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Date: 2025-03-13 09:53 pm (UTC)It was a little out of my control, I think. That first week, I don't think anybody knew that they were memories. Still, even so... I don't know that it bothered me that others spoke about it so much as I was concerned that it so terribly hurt those who went.
[ ... ]
I suspect I may have seen memories similar to what you experienced, in any case.
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Date: 2025-03-13 09:58 pm (UTC)...Yes. They were Richie's memories. That thing that stalks him and his friends.
[sad, sad, so very sad. and angry, too.]
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Date: 2025-03-13 10:05 pm (UTC)That is what I assumed. I watched it terrorize him and a friend at a young age. [ ... ] It apparently showed up when he was being haunted by my memories, as well. Persistent terror.
[ a beat. ]
Were you immersed as well? Your memories replaced.
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Date: 2025-03-13 10:56 pm (UTC)It's a truly awful thing. But a scorching radiant flame salting the earth will do wonders.
[she's going to go kill that thing in real fucking life god damn it.]
At least for a time. We were all children, we lived in that town.
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Date: 2025-03-13 11:00 pm (UTC)I suppose there isn't a lot that can't be destroyed by radiant flame. [ ... ] It was just the three of you?
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Date: 2025-03-13 11:05 pm (UTC)[just when you bring a guy with a little brother complex to an It CYOA, stuff happens.]
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Date: 2025-03-13 11:54 pm (UTC)Mm. And I imagine horrible things happened to this imaginary Basilio to hurt Fidelio. [ gazes. ]
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Date: 2025-03-14 12:31 am (UTC)[god. it's so obvious in retrospect, but it felt real at the time.]
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Date: 2025-03-14 01:29 am (UTC)Did it use someone against you? [ he figures if she doesn't want to answer she just won't, so. ]
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Date: 2025-03-14 01:37 am (UTC)Yes.
[god, she'll just explain things about this cyoa i guess instead of being a little bitch.]
It took the form of a friend of mine, someone whose judgment I trust, and convinced me to start killing people. [that sounds bad but like. situationally. there are a lot of problems that do come up in bg3 where the solution is to wander into a random place and just start killing.] So, I did.
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Date: 2025-03-14 01:42 am (UTC)he seems a little. alarmed? but not in a necessarily like, you're evil sort of way, just like oh! okay! ]
... I see. [ glances at her. or like, in her direction. it's a little off. ] I really never know what to say in response to things like these.
Just... random people?
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Date: 2025-03-14 01:59 am (UTC)but anyway, to that question, she assumes he sort of guesses the answer, so.]
No, Jiaoqiu, it was not just random people.
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Date: 2025-03-14 02:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-03-14 02:47 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-03-14 02:59 am (UTC)... I know that it's difficult to just believe it, when someone says it to you. [ ... ] These journeys are made to hurt us. They take your most vulnerable parts, and they use them against you, to convince you that you are nothing more than a monster.
We've talked about this before, yes? When you didn't want to remember all that you've done. The person you are now feels remorse and horror for the things she was coerced into doing, yes?
I'm sorry that you were pushed to a limit by someone you trust. I cannot imagine how difficult it must be to have to weigh everything in the aftermath.
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Date: 2025-03-14 12:49 pm (UTC)no matter how she belittles it, he does see how this hurt her, so instead she tells him something else, blinking back tears.]
I think my father was there. And I don't understand, because I don't have a father.
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Date: 2025-03-14 03:08 pm (UTC)Are you sure? [ he asks, softer. he doesn't want to push her too hard when she's already so vulnerable, but... ] Or is he one of the things you've had taken from you?
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Date: 2025-03-14 03:32 pm (UTC)[she's bringing it up because she wants to be pushed a little, tired of trying to work it through all on her own, even though she goes a little rigid at the memory. he's holding the wrong hand, but her other one clenches, there's pain.]
I know that man's face from a memory I saw the other week. It's possible I decided to assume something that I wanted to believe, and whatever force puts us into those situations drew on it.
[if these are all just nightmares, reflections of one person's past and their own fears and insecurities, then maybe this is a reflection of a nicer dream, but one that is no less true.]
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Date: 2025-03-14 03:54 pm (UTC)It's possible, but I think it's unlikely. [ he strokes her hand with his thumb. ]
You are missing so many memories, Shadowheart. But they never leave you entirely, and this place in particular seems persistent in pulling them up. I don't see why it'd be necessary to make up a father for you when it's so much easier to take something that already exists and turn it on you.
[ a beat. ]
You're clenching your other fist. Are you in pain? [ i know why she's doing it but jiaoqiu doesn't, and he's concerned... ]
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Date: 2025-03-14 05:43 pm (UTC)[it hurts, but compared to all of the injuries she has right now, it's hard to focus too much on that.]
It hurts sometimes, if I try too hard to remember. [so that's another aspect about her inability to remember things. anyway, she sighs, relaxing a little as the initial jolt dies down.]
The thing I can't understand, if he was only there as part of this dream, is why he would have been kind to me. [somehow that's fucking her up more than if he'd just been used like any other memory of a person, the way these things tend to use them. used to manipulate her or torment her or simply canon fodder.]
He... in it, we'd been children together, and then we died and disappeared. And he hadn't been there in the part where we were children, but when I saw him again at the end, it sounded like... he was there because he'd been looking for me. He was trying to find out what happened to me.
[and this is so heart-breaking because she had always wondered if anyone had tried.]
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