... I know that it's difficult to just believe it, when someone says it to you. [ ... ] These journeys are made to hurt us. They take your most vulnerable parts, and they use them against you, to convince you that you are nothing more than a monster.
We've talked about this before, yes? When you didn't want to remember all that you've done. The person you are now feels remorse and horror for the things she was coerced into doing, yes?
I'm sorry that you were pushed to a limit by someone you trust. I cannot imagine how difficult it must be to have to weigh everything in the aftermath.
[she squeezes his hand. it hurts to ask for help, when she's feeling like this, all raw edges. she wants to lick her wounds alone like she always does. but it admittedly feels very nice to have someone take her hand and be kind to her.
no matter how she belittles it, he does see how this hurt her, so instead she tells him something else, blinking back tears.]
I think my father was there. And I don't understand, because I don't have a father.
[ he keeps holding her hand, his heart aching at the tears she's blinking back. ]
Are you sure? [ he asks, softer. he doesn't want to push her too hard when she's already so vulnerable, but... ] Or is he one of the things you've had taken from you?
[she's bringing it up because she wants to be pushed a little, tired of trying to work it through all on her own, even though she goes a little rigid at the memory. he's holding the wrong hand, but her other one clenches, there's pain.]
I know that man's face from a memory I saw the other week. It's possible I decided to assume something that I wanted to believe, and whatever force puts us into those situations drew on it.
[if these are all just nightmares, reflections of one person's past and their own fears and insecurities, then maybe this is a reflection of a nicer dream, but one that is no less true.]
[ he's careful, but he watches her - notes the way she clenches her fist. ]
It's possible, but I think it's unlikely. [ he strokes her hand with his thumb. ]
You are missing so many memories, Shadowheart. But they never leave you entirely, and this place in particular seems persistent in pulling them up. I don't see why it'd be necessary to make up a father for you when it's so much easier to take something that already exists and turn it on you.
[ a beat. ]
You're clenching your other fist. Are you in pain? [ i know why she's doing it but jiaoqiu doesn't, and he's concerned... ]
[it hurts, but compared to all of the injuries she has right now, it's hard to focus too much on that.]
It hurts sometimes, if I try too hard to remember. [so that's another aspect about her inability to remember things. anyway, she sighs, relaxing a little as the initial jolt dies down.]
The thing I can't understand, if he was only there as part of this dream, is why he would have been kind to me. [somehow that's fucking her up more than if he'd just been used like any other memory of a person, the way these things tend to use them. used to manipulate her or torment her or simply canon fodder.]
He... in it, we'd been children together, and then we died and disappeared. And he hadn't been there in the part where we were children, but when I saw him again at the end, it sounded like... he was there because he'd been looking for me. He was trying to find out what happened to me.
[and this is so heart-breaking because she had always wondered if anyone had tried.]
[ he is So Annoyed about the fact that she gets hurt if she tries to remember. another point in the shar fucking sucks column.
but that fades after a moment, as he turns to look at her again, frowning. ]
Is it really so impossible to believe that's the truth? [ a little head tilt. ] You were taken in by the other followers, correct? You never knew your parents?
Shadowheart, with all of the horrible things your order tried to do, I don't think stealing a child from her parents is particularly out of character. Perhaps this journey was trying to tell you that somewhere, in your memories, you know that your father would look for you if he was capable.
I think that sort of lie would not hurt as much as the truth would. And isn't that the goal, of these trips? TO hurt. [ ... ] I will believe it's true for you, if you don't.
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branchandroot
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Date: 2025-03-14 02:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-03-14 02:47 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-03-14 02:59 am (UTC)... I know that it's difficult to just believe it, when someone says it to you. [ ... ] These journeys are made to hurt us. They take your most vulnerable parts, and they use them against you, to convince you that you are nothing more than a monster.
We've talked about this before, yes? When you didn't want to remember all that you've done. The person you are now feels remorse and horror for the things she was coerced into doing, yes?
I'm sorry that you were pushed to a limit by someone you trust. I cannot imagine how difficult it must be to have to weigh everything in the aftermath.
no subject
Date: 2025-03-14 12:49 pm (UTC)no matter how she belittles it, he does see how this hurt her, so instead she tells him something else, blinking back tears.]
I think my father was there. And I don't understand, because I don't have a father.
no subject
Date: 2025-03-14 03:08 pm (UTC)Are you sure? [ he asks, softer. he doesn't want to push her too hard when she's already so vulnerable, but... ] Or is he one of the things you've had taken from you?
no subject
Date: 2025-03-14 03:32 pm (UTC)[she's bringing it up because she wants to be pushed a little, tired of trying to work it through all on her own, even though she goes a little rigid at the memory. he's holding the wrong hand, but her other one clenches, there's pain.]
I know that man's face from a memory I saw the other week. It's possible I decided to assume something that I wanted to believe, and whatever force puts us into those situations drew on it.
[if these are all just nightmares, reflections of one person's past and their own fears and insecurities, then maybe this is a reflection of a nicer dream, but one that is no less true.]
no subject
Date: 2025-03-14 03:54 pm (UTC)It's possible, but I think it's unlikely. [ he strokes her hand with his thumb. ]
You are missing so many memories, Shadowheart. But they never leave you entirely, and this place in particular seems persistent in pulling them up. I don't see why it'd be necessary to make up a father for you when it's so much easier to take something that already exists and turn it on you.
[ a beat. ]
You're clenching your other fist. Are you in pain? [ i know why she's doing it but jiaoqiu doesn't, and he's concerned... ]
no subject
Date: 2025-03-14 05:43 pm (UTC)[it hurts, but compared to all of the injuries she has right now, it's hard to focus too much on that.]
It hurts sometimes, if I try too hard to remember. [so that's another aspect about her inability to remember things. anyway, she sighs, relaxing a little as the initial jolt dies down.]
The thing I can't understand, if he was only there as part of this dream, is why he would have been kind to me. [somehow that's fucking her up more than if he'd just been used like any other memory of a person, the way these things tend to use them. used to manipulate her or torment her or simply canon fodder.]
He... in it, we'd been children together, and then we died and disappeared. And he hadn't been there in the part where we were children, but when I saw him again at the end, it sounded like... he was there because he'd been looking for me. He was trying to find out what happened to me.
[and this is so heart-breaking because she had always wondered if anyone had tried.]
no subject
Date: 2025-03-15 12:02 am (UTC)but that fades after a moment, as he turns to look at her again, frowning. ]
Is it really so impossible to believe that's the truth? [ a little head tilt. ] You were taken in by the other followers, correct? You never knew your parents?
Shadowheart, with all of the horrible things your order tried to do, I don't think stealing a child from her parents is particularly out of character. Perhaps this journey was trying to tell you that somewhere, in your memories, you know that your father would look for you if he was capable.
no subject
Date: 2025-03-15 12:24 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-03-15 12:42 am (UTC)[ a hum. ]
I think that sort of lie would not hurt as much as the truth would. And isn't that the goal, of these trips? TO hurt. [ ... ] I will believe it's true for you, if you don't.
no subject
Date: 2025-03-15 01:11 am (UTC)I'll think about it. Maybe that's something I can try to do, when i get back.
no subject
Date: 2025-03-15 01:36 am (UTC)I hope that you do. [ ... ] And... in a much more sentimental turn. I'm glad that you came back to us alive.
[ he worries. and obviously cares, very much. ]
no subject
Date: 2025-03-15 01:44 am (UTC)Thank you, Jiaoqiu.
[even if it feels quite bad right now.]