[she's avoiding saying it on purpose, there's a feeling of hesitation. just. it doesn't feel right to her, to tell people without talking to him first. she knows how trapped she felt when it was her memories that others were paraded through]
...It was not good. It was a nightmare - an entity, I mean, not merely metaphorically. At first we we believed ourselves to be ordinary young children, and the entity stalked us, hunted us like prey. And then we were adults, and it... used us. I'm not sure if it wanted vengeance or just more torment.
Don't put it all on you. This shit-- it finds a way, right? It made me hurt Theresa. Theresa.
[in ways she never would have without it changing her, removing her memories to make it happen. wis'adel killed theresa to save her, she never wanted to see her harmed, she wouldn't ever have--
her emotions roil, anger and frustration and a little helplessness at the memory, and she exhales.]
[yeah. she feels relief at that. maybe she doesn't want to talk about it, doesn't want to admit how afraid it made her feel, but she needs the reminder that these things can happen to anyone. there's not just something fundamentally damaged about her.]
I know. I know. I just don't know how much I can trust myself right now.
[shaking her head, suddenly hit by more uncertainty.]
I was confused, but the person who was telling me what to do wasn't someone like... Lady Shar, or the Mother Superior. She was someone I trust. Since I wasn't sure, I thought it was safe enough to follow her directions.
[there's no way, really, for her to put her faith in someone else, either. she just has to try and muddle through this confused mess.]
Oh, I don't mean emotionally trust me! More like-- you're all fucked up right now, and I'm not, so if you lose it and try to hurt anybody... what do you think is really gonna happen?
[she shrugs one shoulder, waving a hand.]
I'm not gonna just let you. So. Revisit the rest of that when your head feels like it's back on straight.
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branchandroot
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Date: 2025-03-13 09:20 pm (UTC)I'm not sure. We were separated for that part. But I think it was likely very bad.
[she's genuinely very worried.]
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Date: 2025-03-13 09:31 pm (UTC)[the worry's reflected in wiš'adel's emotions, though she tries to shove it down.]
I'm checking in on him next, so I'll... see if he's up to talking or what.
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Date: 2025-03-13 09:35 pm (UTC)[a little laugh, but also she forgets and slips into these names.]
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Date: 2025-03-13 09:37 pm (UTC)[oh good when this isn't so fresh and awful she'll be able to tease him back when he fucking calls her griefblade, thank you.]
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Date: 2025-03-13 09:48 pm (UTC)[she seems surprised that she called him that, though, richie actually already always does.]
Anders, I mean.
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Date: 2025-03-13 09:58 pm (UTC)[but that mention in your tag does remind me, because she did have eyes for what was going on after she brought anders back-]
What was up with Richie?
[she definitely did not seem super chill about the guy.]
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Date: 2025-03-13 10:01 pm (UTC)What was up with him? What do you mean?
[this is genuine, she isn't deflecting. that was all a blur, earlier.]
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Date: 2025-03-13 10:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-03-13 11:01 pm (UTC)Is that what you thought?
[is that what he thought?]
I just didn't want to hurt anyone.
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Date: 2025-03-13 11:13 pm (UTC)[wherever the hell "there" was.]
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Date: 2025-03-13 11:26 pm (UTC)...It was not good. It was a nightmare - an entity, I mean, not merely metaphorically. At first we we believed ourselves to be ordinary young children, and the entity stalked us, hunted us like prey. And then we were adults, and it... used us. I'm not sure if it wanted vengeance or just more torment.
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Date: 2025-03-14 12:38 am (UTC)[fucked up, man.]
Sorry. That you got used by shit like that.
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Date: 2025-03-14 01:39 am (UTC)it's really not fine at all.]
I hate that it's so easy. I keep resolving to change and thinking I have, but even despite all of that, I -
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Date: 2025-03-14 01:43 am (UTC)[in ways she never would have without it changing her, removing her memories to make it happen. wis'adel killed theresa to save her, she never wanted to see her harmed, she wouldn't ever have--
her emotions roil, anger and frustration and a little helplessness at the memory, and she exhales.]
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Date: 2025-03-14 02:53 am (UTC)I know. I know. I just don't know how much I can trust myself right now.
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Date: 2025-03-14 02:58 am (UTC)[there's no point sugarcoating it. she wouldn't have believed anyone who told her it was all okay while her memories were actively fucking up.]
But you can trust me not to let you do anything you're gonna regret later, 'kay? Just don't be too mad if you wake up with a headache.
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Date: 2025-03-14 12:44 pm (UTC)[shaking her head, suddenly hit by more uncertainty.]
I was confused, but the person who was telling me what to do wasn't someone like... Lady Shar, or the Mother Superior. She was someone I trust. Since I wasn't sure, I thought it was safe enough to follow her directions.
[there's no way, really, for her to put her faith in someone else, either. she just has to try and muddle through this confused mess.]
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Date: 2025-03-14 06:11 pm (UTC)[she shrugs one shoulder, waving a hand.]
I'm not gonna just let you. So. Revisit the rest of that when your head feels like it's back on straight.
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Date: 2025-03-14 10:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-03-14 11:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-03-15 12:12 am (UTC)