I think he and Charlie were the first people here I really trusted. I felt a bit stupid about it, since they're both so nice that I felt I ought to doubt their intentions. But then, they really were both genuinely who they seemed to be, and that... it helped me a lot, to realize that sometimes people really are.
I understand how you feel. I felt similarly, unable to really take their kindness at face value. [ he had such a hard time accepting that amount of love and patience and care that he pushed it away. ] But I am glad that you were able to come to that conclusion. I'm glad that he helped.
He isn't gone entirely, but I know how empty that reassurance is.
It's not the same. Even if I turn my back on her, I still feel that she's part of me. And she can still hurt me whenever she wants to, like pulling the legs off an insect. I don't know why I ever thought that anything I did would be enough to rid myself of that.
[ he bristles a bit at this phrasing, because god he just really!! hates shar!! ]
Nonsense. [ he says, gently but firmly. ] She cannot hold onto you forever. You are capable of denying her any power over you. It's not an easy process, but each time you rally against her, it's prying another cold finger from around your heart.
Maybe. It would have been easier this way. And it makes me wonder, are we really going to pick up the pieces from this loss? I don't know if I'm cut out for this.
[trying to be open, trying to reach out to people - it was easier when she thought she'd done this herself.]
I don't know that it's so difficult as it is that I became overly confident. I've been trying to put Lady Shar behind me and find another way forward, but I admittedly don't find it easy, to try and face difficult things knowing I don't even have the faith I held onto before. [as poor of a handhold as it was.]
This week, it felt as though what I'd been trying to accomplish had just simply...worked. So a lot of other things suddenly seemed possible for me, too.
Is that so terrible? To just believe something will work?
[ thoughtfully. ]
That seems to me to be a different kind of faith entirely. A faith in yourself, perhaps, and not in a god. It isn't as if you don't have a safety net. All of us would catch you, if you fell.
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branchandroot
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Date: 2025-03-21 10:36 pm (UTC)Maybe it's cruel to care most about one person in particular when three are dead, but I don't know how I would have faced the past weeks without him.
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Date: 2025-03-21 10:54 pm (UTC)No, I don't think that it's cruel. [ he murmurs. ] He means something to you. It's natural to grieve more for someone who kept you standing.
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Date: 2025-03-21 11:02 pm (UTC)I think he and Charlie were the first people here I really trusted. I felt a bit stupid about it, since they're both so nice that I felt I ought to doubt their intentions. But then, they really were both genuinely who they seemed to be, and that... it helped me a lot, to realize that sometimes people really are.
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Date: 2025-03-21 11:53 pm (UTC)I understand how you feel. I felt similarly, unable to really take their kindness at face value. [ he had such a hard time accepting that amount of love and patience and care that he pushed it away. ] But I am glad that you were able to come to that conclusion. I'm glad that he helped.
He isn't gone entirely, but I know how empty that reassurance is.
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Date: 2025-03-22 12:03 am (UTC)[but it's going to be difficult around here, until then.]
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Date: 2025-03-22 12:07 am (UTC)[ rally the troops, as it were. ]
But for now - I think it's important to grieve. It is painful to have the instinct to reach for someone who isn't there.
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Date: 2025-03-22 12:26 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-03-22 12:31 am (UTC)All of you chase me down to make me feel things, and then turn around and tell me you'd rather not. Tsk. [ he rests his head against her's. ]
It's better to let it out, or you'll find yourself walking the same Path I do, you know.
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Date: 2025-03-22 12:39 am (UTC)No, I - I felt better this week, really and truly. I felt that Lady Shar's influence had finally faded, and I could move on. But it wasn't real.
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Date: 2025-03-22 12:44 am (UTC)a beat, and if she lets him, he shifts so he can hug her properly. ]
Ah, so that's what you lost. [ ... ] It still can be real. You are most of the way there already, if you'll allow me to give my opinion.
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Date: 2025-03-22 01:01 am (UTC)It's not the same. Even if I turn my back on her, I still feel that she's part of me. And she can still hurt me whenever she wants to, like pulling the legs off an insect. I don't know why I ever thought that anything I did would be enough to rid myself of that.
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Date: 2025-03-22 02:18 am (UTC)Nonsense. [ he says, gently but firmly. ] She cannot hold onto you forever. You are capable of denying her any power over you. It's not an easy process, but each time you rally against her, it's prying another cold finger from around your heart.
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Date: 2025-03-22 02:41 am (UTC)[trying to be open, trying to reach out to people - it was easier when she thought she'd done this herself.]
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Date: 2025-03-22 02:48 am (UTC)[ ... ]
You really don't think you're capable of picking up the pieces?
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Date: 2025-03-22 03:28 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-03-22 03:42 am (UTC)[ not in an accusing way, but more the type of way to try and get her to talk him through it. ]
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Date: 2025-03-22 03:59 am (UTC)I don't know that it's so difficult as it is that I became overly confident. I've been trying to put Lady Shar behind me and find another way forward, but I admittedly don't find it easy, to try and face difficult things knowing I don't even have the faith I held onto before. [as poor of a handhold as it was.]
This week, it felt as though what I'd been trying to accomplish had just simply...worked. So a lot of other things suddenly seemed possible for me, too.
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Date: 2025-03-22 04:28 am (UTC)[ thoughtfully. ]
That seems to me to be a different kind of faith entirely. A faith in yourself, perhaps, and not in a god. It isn't as if you don't have a safety net. All of us would catch you, if you fell.
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Date: 2025-03-22 01:44 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-03-22 02:58 pm (UTC)Then I will have faith in you, until you can find it. I won't let that candle go out.