[sure. shadowheart is ready to let the memory go, but he wanders down another path. everything this direction is less clear, hazy, only appearing in brief moments and flashes.
she didn't go to the shadow cursed lands to rescue children or go on errands for them. she had a purpose. and yet, in that moment, it hurt, and she didn't full understand why. arabella was a child it was hard not to get attached to, with her defiance and independence, but even so...
a memory of a child, crying herself to sleep after another nightmare. wondering why no one had come to save her, besides the people who found her. wondering if there ever had been anyone looking for her, waiting for her to make it home. but if there had been, she'd never remember their faces. she'd never see them again.
a memory of a child, who knew she should be grateful to the people who did come for her, the people who took her in. they are the only family she has, even if they show her no kindness. she never seems to do anything the way they want her to. mother superior, and her book, writing disapproving notes of her progress, never finding her good enough. she wonders if it's because of the hopes that she clings to, the desire to remember the faces of people she once knew, and if she tries, perhaps she can let that go and be good enough. to hold onto these desires, to want, to desire to have something of her own is to reject shar.
this is how she learns to wield the knife, to make her incisions perfect, to steady her hand. she practices on strangers, learns how to cut and how to hurt without doing lasting damage. practices for hours upon hours, how to say her prayers, how to praise shar, and she practices this on strangers, too.
but then one of the patients, an older woman, calls out to her. uses a different name than the one she knows. and it shatters her, right in the careful practice, and suddenly there is a presence there in the room with her instead of an absence, a familiar face where a cadaver's should be.
and shadowheart's hand catches jiaoqiu's sleeve because she knows how much what's down this direction hurts and she's scared.]
[ it startles the hell out of him - he jumps so hard he nearly rams into the glass, his tail fur poofing up twice its size, expression surprised. but the hand on his sleeve, and the plaintive request get him to cave immediately. these are not his memories, and this is invasive. it'd be worse to stay.
so - he shifts, takes her hand. ]
Yes. Yes, alright. Let's leave.
[ his heart aches, thinking of the child crying herself to sleep, of a girl with her childhood robbed from her, but he focuses on the woman in front of him, and tugs her gently away from the dark, for now. step by step. ]
[she followed him to bring him back before he went further, but she saw something she feels she wasn't supposed to see, and she's shaken now, holding onto his arm for support. maybe they can finally get out of this area, but she can't forget that face of a person, the way it went from going from a stranger's face to familiar, the way she called out to her like she knew her.]
I don't know what that was.
[she remembers clearly enough, wanting to help arabella, and the anger and grief she felt when she realizes that the little girl lost her family to the Sharrans. but she hadn't realized there was a hole there, a missing piece, until he took another look at it.]
[ he gently pulls her a little closer, happy to support her - his tail wraps around her gently as well, loose enough that it's not constricting but still there. he'll lead her best he can, away from the worst of it. ]
No? [ he asks, carefully. ] It seemed to me like something was missing. You told me your memories were erased. It could have been one of them.
...There are things about myself I'd like to know. Answers I'd like to have. But in between those, there are a lot of things that I'm not sure - maybe it's better for some things to stay lost.
What that man did, he and his nurses - I'm sure I've done things that are no less horrific.
[ that makes sense, he thinks - he's the type of masochistic asshole that would want to know everything he's done, but when she explains it... well, it wouldn't be useful for her. she doesn't need the worst of it. ]
... I'd find it hard to imagine you could do anything as terrible as that, even in the worst of it. [ but maybe that's wishful thinking, he doesn't know.
he adjusts his hold on her a little. ]
Regardless. It sounds like these are things you're no longer willing to do, Shadowheart, even if it would lead to favor.
[one thing to try to find a way to follow shar on her own, but to see, out in the world, the damage caused by shar's followers, to have to confront the damage done to her... she wants nothing to do with it.]
And if you don't mind me saying so, I think you're a better person than your god or the people that brought you in would have you believe. That sort of thing is hard to root out.
... That was a horrible place you found yourself in.
Mmm. I don't really know, but I'll take your say so for the lack of other options.
[said like a joke, but really, what else can she do? she has so little experience with her own self. the people here who have come to know her have just as much information to judge her on as she has to judge herself with, so. it's a comfort, a relief, to know that they see her that way, even if she still has to worry what else might be there.]
Which place? Though on second thought, I agree either way. [the background, or that horrible hospital.] I would say Thorne was particularly insane - he and his family members, other than the one lucky immortal, have all sort of turned into undead wraiths over the past century. Plenty of time to perfect madness.
Some things remain a constant, hm? Immortality is a curse. [ we are still so lost in the mirror maze but at least the glass is silent, for now. ] Why were you there? It strikes me that I actually don't know much about you other than your goddess - I'd like to know you past that.
Well, that's for a quite simple reason. I don't have many memories of my life, so there's little to say. Except for the most reason events, and I'm afraid there's rather a lot to say about that.
[like the whole plot of bg3]
I'm infected by a mind flayer parasite. You mainly have to know that by now, it should have killed me and transformed me into a monster, or at least turned me into some sort of thrall, but we've been lucky and have managed to stop that process from happening.
Nothing we've been up to is anything I was intending to do. We're just trying to survive and rid ourselves of this infection, but it's gotten us in the middle of the plans of people who are trying to use the parasites for their own purposes.
As far as I'm aware. We've spoken with several healers of varying types, and they've all either told us there's nothing they can do or attempted to kill us.
No, our hope is more... there is a group of people who have means to control the parasites, and they're using that for their own purposes, to make an army of thralls. But it's clear that they must have a means to control it, which would be extremely helpful. [so, kill them and either take it or destroy it.]
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branchandroot
no subject
Date: 2025-03-04 04:22 am (UTC)she didn't go to the shadow cursed lands to rescue children or go on errands for them. she had a purpose. and yet, in that moment, it hurt, and she didn't full understand why. arabella was a child it was hard not to get attached to, with her defiance and independence, but even so...
a memory of a child, crying herself to sleep after another nightmare. wondering why no one had come to save her, besides the people who found her. wondering if there ever had been anyone looking for her, waiting for her to make it home. but if there had been, she'd never remember their faces. she'd never see them again.
a memory of a child, who knew she should be grateful to the people who did come for her, the people who took her in. they are the only family she has, even if they show her no kindness. she never seems to do anything the way they want her to. mother superior, and her book, writing disapproving notes of her progress, never finding her good enough. she wonders if it's because of the hopes that she clings to, the desire to remember the faces of people she once knew, and if she tries, perhaps she can let that go and be good enough. to hold onto these desires, to want, to desire to have something of her own is to reject shar.
this is how she learns to wield the knife, to make her incisions perfect, to steady her hand. she practices on strangers, learns how to cut and how to hurt without doing lasting damage. practices for hours upon hours, how to say her prayers, how to praise shar, and she practices this on strangers, too.
but then one of the patients, an older woman, calls out to her. uses a different name than the one she knows. and it shatters her, right in the careful practice, and suddenly there is a presence there in the room with her instead of an absence, a familiar face where a cadaver's should be.
and shadowheart's hand catches jiaoqiu's sleeve because she knows how much what's down this direction hurts and she's scared.]
Please, we need to leave.
no subject
Date: 2025-03-04 05:23 am (UTC)so - he shifts, takes her hand. ]
Yes. Yes, alright. Let's leave.
[ his heart aches, thinking of the child crying herself to sleep, of a girl with her childhood robbed from her, but he focuses on the woman in front of him, and tugs her gently away from the dark, for now. step by step. ]
no subject
Date: 2025-03-04 01:27 pm (UTC)I don't know what that was.
[she remembers clearly enough, wanting to help arabella, and the anger and grief she felt when she realizes that the little girl lost her family to the Sharrans. but she hadn't realized there was a hole there, a missing piece, until he took another look at it.]
no subject
Date: 2025-03-04 11:57 pm (UTC)No? [ he asks, carefully. ] It seemed to me like something was missing. You told me your memories were erased. It could have been one of them.
[ letting her talk it through, if she wants. ]
no subject
Date: 2025-03-05 12:37 am (UTC)It could be. Wis'adel told me some of what she saw, last week. I - I don't want to remember the things that happened.
no subject
Date: 2025-03-05 12:48 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-03-05 01:54 am (UTC)...There are things about myself I'd like to know. Answers I'd like to have. But in between those, there are a lot of things that I'm not sure - maybe it's better for some things to stay lost.
What that man did, he and his nurses - I'm sure I've done things that are no less horrific.
no subject
Date: 2025-03-05 02:10 am (UTC)... I'd find it hard to imagine you could do anything as terrible as that, even in the worst of it. [ but maybe that's wishful thinking, he doesn't know.
he adjusts his hold on her a little. ]
Regardless. It sounds like these are things you're no longer willing to do, Shadowheart, even if it would lead to favor.
no subject
Date: 2025-03-05 03:29 am (UTC)[one thing to try to find a way to follow shar on her own, but to see, out in the world, the damage caused by shar's followers, to have to confront the damage done to her... she wants nothing to do with it.]
no subject
Date: 2025-03-05 04:31 am (UTC)[ his tail swishes back and forth behind him. ]
And if you don't mind me saying so, I think you're a better person than your god or the people that brought you in would have you believe. That sort of thing is hard to root out.
... That was a horrible place you found yourself in.
no subject
Date: 2025-03-05 01:05 pm (UTC)[said like a joke, but really, what else can she do? she has so little experience with her own self. the people here who have come to know her have just as much information to judge her on as she has to judge herself with, so. it's a comfort, a relief, to know that they see her that way, even if she still has to worry what else might be there.]
Which place? Though on second thought, I agree either way. [the background, or that horrible hospital.] I would say Thorne was particularly insane - he and his family members, other than the one lucky immortal, have all sort of turned into undead wraiths over the past century. Plenty of time to perfect madness.
no subject
Date: 2025-03-05 09:59 pm (UTC)Some things remain a constant, hm? Immortality is a curse. [ we are still so lost in the mirror maze but at least the glass is silent, for now. ] Why were you there? It strikes me that I actually don't know much about you other than your goddess - I'd like to know you past that.
no subject
Date: 2025-03-05 11:56 pm (UTC)Well, that's for a quite simple reason. I don't have many memories of my life, so there's little to say. Except for the most reason events, and I'm afraid there's rather a lot to say about that.
[like the whole plot of bg3]
I'm infected by a mind flayer parasite. You mainly have to know that by now, it should have killed me and transformed me into a monster, or at least turned me into some sort of thrall, but we've been lucky and have managed to stop that process from happening.
Nothing we've been up to is anything I was intending to do. We're just trying to survive and rid ourselves of this infection, but it's gotten us in the middle of the plans of people who are trying to use the parasites for their own purposes.
no subject
Date: 2025-03-06 01:46 am (UTC)he looks - alarmed?? by this?? hello?? he looks at her like bwuh?? ]
A parasite. [ ... ] I suppose I'm happy to know you aren't a thrall. You - hah, you weren't kidding, were you.
[ there sure is a lot to say about that!! ]
no subject
Date: 2025-03-06 03:06 am (UTC)We really just need to find some specific people and kill them, so. In some ways, easier than many of our personal problems.
no subject
Date: 2025-03-06 07:46 pm (UTC)[ he laughs, just in that sort of what can you do way. ]
Easy as that, I suppose. [ a beat. ] Is there no cure for it? It cannot be medically extracted?
no subject
Date: 2025-03-06 11:30 pm (UTC)No, our hope is more... there is a group of people who have means to control the parasites, and they're using that for their own purposes, to make an army of thralls. But it's clear that they must have a means to control it, which would be extremely helpful. [so, kill them and either take it or destroy it.]
no subject
Date: 2025-03-07 04:26 am (UTC)[ ... ]
There is likely nothing I can do while I'm here, but I'll research it, as much as I can. Perhaps I'll know something your healers don't.
no subject
Date: 2025-03-07 01:37 pm (UTC)