Possibly. If Gabriel can regrow you an arm, it's not out of the question. Though I don't know if it's even here... [like if she died she's here but did the worm also get brought to heaven? at any rate, she hadn't considered before this week that that was something she could just ask god to fix for her.] I'm not sure about doing that. Which I recognize sounds insane, but this cult we've been dealing with - part of why we've been able to make progress with them is that they can tell we're infected, so they think we're under their control. [whereas if she wasn't infected, they might capture her and reinfect her.]
[she may not recognize the references, but she recognizes the feelings. mirroring them. she tries to be practical about these things. there was always an end date, so she tried to stop thinking as though there wasn't. but then, it's harder if that's how he feels, too. she just doesn't really tend to assume that anyone would want to hold onto her despite the odds. that hasn't ever really been the case.]
...There's another reason why I feel I have to go back. [which is actually much more important than the worm, but.] I'm sure this sounds silly, since I have very little to go on aside from some conjecture, but... I think the Sharrans have my family as prisoners. Or had, possibly. [could be dead. but the point is, all her other problems are things her friends would know to fix, but if her mother and father are hostages in a secret Sharran enclave somewhere, deciding not to go back would mean leaving them to that fate.]
[a wee worm with a wee halo and chao...imagine we just had an ic profile for it the whole time]
So, what I'm hearing is that killing it off is very conditional on you continuing to have it. Is that right? [His mouth quirks. He keeps his tone light, even if his gut is very slowly sinking. He's weathered through testier conversations with women he's known longer, sure. Maybe not crazier ones. Maybe none that were literal life and death. But she's taking the lead on tone and he hopes he can keep matching it, no matter how much the idea of yet another damn thing infesting her mind scares him.
No matter how much it hurts to know he can't help now, and he can't help later. Not even if he knew how.
The last part gets him good though. Richie grimaces.]
...You know, I had a funny feeling about that. After our trip to the funhouse and all. [Didn't travel further down that road, but the implications were heavy-handed as could be.] You gotta. No question about it. You've got too many loose ends to tie up, baby, I only wish I could help put a knot in a few of them with you.
[He reaches across the table and takes her hand in his. Smiling, even if it hurts.]
Did you think of a way to skirt around the death trap they put you in? Let's start there.
[taking his hand back, but the emotion share he's giving isn't matching the things he's saying, and the conversation is starting to feel awful. she doesn't have much experience with people coming into her life to stay, or wanting to.]
That's right. At least getting rid of it for good.
[oddly, it's the fact that he had guessed that that really gets her. it took her so long to get around to that thought at all. she hadn't thought he'd had any idea of it, and it's dark enough that she'd been reluctant to bring it up. it all is, but...]
...We haven't talked about you, either. How are you getting out of it?
[all this talk about helping her tie up loose ends, but in a way, she has so many resources and abilities to try to figure all of that out. he's going back to fight a monster, too.]
[He blinks a little. He at least expected an answer first. Hold a moment, let him reroute.]
Ah — well. [His eyes flick down to their conjoined hands.] I think the simplest way to go about it is to make sure we've got as close to a full number as we can, without rewinding the clock back too far.
[No saving Stan, I don't think. Can't show up as a stranger on his doorstep begging him to put down the razor several days early. He'd just look crazy. Maybe push him quicker to it.
And there's a funny way the world kept twisting itself around them. All those coincidences, laid in place by whatever mildly gracious force guided them and by Pennywise himself. Derry would reorder itself so It might better its odds. Best to keep it simple. Best to keep the timeline tight.]
Which means I'll go back a few hours, at best. Stick it out with Mike at the library, so he doesn't get cut up like a Christmas turkey before he gets the chance to join the team. Maybe kill old Henry on the spot. Keep him from making it to the hotel in the first place.
[He feels a bit shameful, bringing up that detail again. But at least it's a detail she'd get, now. Could see the logic in, feel sound about his workaround.]
I mean, hell, if nothing else, at least now I've gotten some practice at it. Think I could grab a sword to go? I was quite handy with it last Thursday.
[she's not bothered by the details. she wants to know. but it still makes her feel sick to think about. not that she doesn't trust him, she does, but even the comment about him using a sword is half a joke. he got through this place without ever having to kill anyone at all outside of thursdays, and now he's speaking casually about doing it to someone who admittedly probably should be casually dispatched.
still, she'd meant what she said, about wanting to protect him from it. felt that most strongly after the awful experience, back when it felt like it was too real to have been a dream. instead, she might not ever even get to know if he made it.
she wants to ask him to just not, but it's hard to ask a question like that when you know the answer will likely be that he has to.]
You certainly have much more practice now. [she knows she obviously seems upset as he's talking and she really doesn't want him to feel as though it's because she doesn't believe in him. but it's a very hopeless situation for anyone, and he never really talks about it except when forced to.] It's not a bad plan, but I wish I could help.
[Yeah, he's getting the sense she's about as pleased to hear of his plans as he is to hear of hers. To her credit he gets no impression that it's a lack of faith. Just watching someone treading a razor thin edge between happy endings and hell on earth.
His thumb brushes over her knuckles. Useless affirmations.]
I know. Ditto for me and your big bad mess, too. [For all the good he'd do her. As much fun as it's been learning about the wide wondrous universe, he imagines he'd be nothing but a liability as a tagalong. And perhaps a miserable, lonely one at that. Fish out of water in all the worst ways, same as she would be in his neighbourhood.
More than that, though, his gaze flicks away and his mouth goes a bit dry. He can't quite explain it, but he feels that he must. Might as well, if nothing else but to get it off his chest.]
It might not work, if anyone else comes. Things...as much as I wanted to believe It was the only unusual thing about my world, there was something else kicking around, I think. Something that...oh, I suppose gave us a little push. Spooky things that worked in our favour. Hand selected us, even.
[A beat.]
I remember if other kids came around to play with a few of us, they felt less there somehow. Less important. And there were tiny coincidences — little magic tricks we pulled off. But only when the moment was right. When something else flowed through you. Sometimes we just knew things. Said and did things that didn't make sense, but saved our asses.
Even when we left town and all the memories drained clean out of our heads, it's like we got moved around on a chessboard. All six of us that split became wealthy. Pursued things that tied us to those childhood obsessions that saved our necks back in the day, instead of picking up new hobbies. A few of us married but not a one of us had kids. And not for lack of trying. The scars we picked up back then faded to nothing. Then when we heard we should go back, they faded in again. Same as the memories.
...But if something was throwing us a bone from beyond, then Derry itself was trying to undercut it. People...things would arrange themselves to trap you, too. Isolate you. Make people look the other way, or get in your way if you were cutting too close to It.
[Richie tapers off, frowning.]
All that to say, I'm just not sure that bringing along a surprise guest wouldn't tip things too far one way or the other. It feels a lot like things got preordained. I just don't know by how or who.
[it is a little bit of a familiar thing. the push and pull between good and evil entities, the use of chosen ones as pieces to move in a war, all are things she's very familiar with. she's talked so much with gabriel over how much she unexpectedly resents the good-aligned goddess who still allowed all of these things to happen to her, who was willing to use her in her battle against Shar, but didn't extend any particular protection toward her that spared her Shar's wrath. even if the world would be better off with Selûne achieving victory, her own life was ruined by having been dragged into it.
squeezing hand hand back, anger welling up too along with some of the worry and sadness.]
I don't care what is preordained. All of you should not have to be the ones to fight it, you aren't mere chess pieces.
[but he is also probably correct in his assessment. if it's all some pointless proxy battle, if one side cheats, it's hard to say what the other side will be emboldened to do. and it isn't as though the unfairness of it justifies abandoning his friends and the town to all of it.]
[In spite of the grim situation, he can't help but be touched. It's never been a thing he could speak about with anyone outside their core. Only had mere days to reckon with as a grown man, before death took him out of it and showed him worlds worse and wilder than his own. He doesn't like putting his problems out for other people, especially when he can't define them himself.
Especially when they're practically peanuts compared to what happened to them. To her.]
Neither are you.
[She's been leashed worse than he has. Longer, with more lasting effects. And Richie's own folks hadn't been hurt by the things that lurk in Derry, while Shadowheart's were likely captive, maimed. She's lost damn near everything, and still she's here getting indignant on his behalf.]
But we gotta go play the part, don't we? It's not just our own lives on the line. [He lifts her hand then. Brings it to his lips for small kiss. For luck, maybe. For his nerves. It's not goodbye yet, but they're drifting towards by a matter of days.] If we could chuck a bomb long distance at the sons of bitches and skip off into the sunset, that'd be fine and dandy.
[it seems foolish to admit it when it doesn't change anything, but it's true. watching him kiss her hand, not bothering to try to hide that she really genuinely does mean it. she's not really one for duty, and all things considered that is probably for the best considering who she owed it to, but loyalty does matter to her. and it matters to him, too. but it would be nice to ignore all of that and only care about what she'd like for herself.]
...Gabriel seems to think some of us could find a way to see one another again. I don't know much about it, but one of my companions is quite a brilliant arcanist - if there's anyone I'd trust to tackle a problem this complex, it's him. [just ask a wizard to fix it seems like a lot to pin your hopes on, though, particularly when she first has to convince him not to kill himself, and when she has no idea whether it's something within the realm of possibility given the magic and technology that exists in her world.]
So maybe this is only temporary, and we'll feel very silly and dramatic for this when we beat our demons handily and then can meet for drinks in a month's time.
[that's a very nice thing to imagine, at least, even if it's hard to fully believe in.]
Does it make it easier or harder to go into tomorrow and the day after believing that could be true? [she genuinely isn't sure of the answer. a little easier, maybe, but she wouldn't blame him if he'd prefer not to hang any hopes on such an uncertain foundation.]
An arcanist? [It's clear he doesn't understand the full implications, but it's obviously some powerful sorcerer shit. Remains ignorant of class descriptions forever.
He chuckles at the thought.]
Sure. We'll be splitting pints and yucking it up over popping out of bloody balloons and giant boxes of chocolates every Thursday. I can see it crystal clear in my mind.
[It would be nice.
But if she's having doubts with firsthand exposure to the fellow, he's having more with secondhand anecdotes. It sounds lovely. A deus ex machina at the last minute, guaranteed to keep them connected. Maybe it'll be as she said, things will work out and they'll look like fools for crying about it. He just can't put all his eggs in that basket. Can't hope too hard and fall flat when she never shows. When no one does.]
Frankly my dear, I don't rightly know. [He purses his lips.] I guess I've come to a point where I feel we'll give it our all and whatever may happen, will. I hope there's a shot at it. Truly, I do.
I'm gonna miss you something fierce if not. [Always such a sap. It's been a matter of weeks in her company, even less for them deciding to make something of it. Knowing they'd be counting down the days. Flipping to the jubilant side of nihilism, as it were.] ...But even if this is all we get? I can't say I regret it. Not one bit.
[she's trying to thread that needle, too. give everyone hope if she can that this isn't a final goodbye, but not let everyone count on it. even so, her feelings are closer to his. she doesn't want to go home thinking this is a brief parting when part of her knows it's much more likely this is a final goodbye.
cupping his jaw to kiss him at that, some mixture of happiness that he would say so and, well, regret. but not for choosing to become attached to him, to love him. only for being the person she is, holding part of that back all along instead of letting herself just have this because she was afraid of goodbyes.]
Even if this is all there is, I'll never regret that I got to meet you. At the very least, this has been something worth making sure I don't forget.
[because the one who is at risk of going home and losing all of her memories again is her, of course. but don't worry, it won't happen.]
[He meets the kiss with maybe a bit more tenderness than is needed over a restaurant table. But this wasn't public the way a hot spot on the boulevard was, nor was it the regular clientele. They're the only ones here right now, and even if they weren't it's no secret they're all barrelling to a bitter end. Who'd begrudge them a bit of sentimentality over eggs benedict?
He smiles at the quip thereafter. Heartened but sad all the same.]
God, I hope so. I've had exes tell me quite the opposite.
[Since he got his blues out first. He kisses her again though, lightly, a bit selfishly.]
We're a bit stupid, weren't we? It's hard not to get attached, no matter what we did or didn't know.
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branchandroot
no subject
Date: 2025-04-04 06:42 pm (UTC)[she may not recognize the references, but she recognizes the feelings. mirroring them. she tries to be practical about these things. there was always an end date, so she tried to stop thinking as though there wasn't. but then, it's harder if that's how he feels, too. she just doesn't really tend to assume that anyone would want to hold onto her despite the odds. that hasn't ever really been the case.]
...There's another reason why I feel I have to go back. [which is actually much more important than the worm, but.] I'm sure this sounds silly, since I have very little to go on aside from some conjecture, but... I think the Sharrans have my family as prisoners. Or had, possibly. [could be dead. but the point is, all her other problems are things her friends would know to fix, but if her mother and father are hostages in a secret Sharran enclave somewhere, deciding not to go back would mean leaving them to that fate.]
no subject
Date: 2025-04-05 01:58 am (UTC)[a wee worm with a wee halo and chao...imagine we just had an ic profile for it the whole time]
So, what I'm hearing is that killing it off is very conditional on you continuing to have it. Is that right? [His mouth quirks. He keeps his tone light, even if his gut is very slowly sinking. He's weathered through testier conversations with women he's known longer, sure. Maybe not crazier ones. Maybe none that were literal life and death. But she's taking the lead on tone and he hopes he can keep matching it, no matter how much the idea of yet another damn thing infesting her mind scares him.
No matter how much it hurts to know he can't help now, and he can't help later. Not even if he knew how.
The last part gets him good though. Richie grimaces.]
...You know, I had a funny feeling about that. After our trip to the funhouse and all. [Didn't travel further down that road, but the implications were heavy-handed as could be.] You gotta. No question about it. You've got too many loose ends to tie up, baby, I only wish I could help put a knot in a few of them with you.
[He reaches across the table and takes her hand in his. Smiling, even if it hurts.]
Did you think of a way to skirt around the death trap they put you in? Let's start there.
no subject
Date: 2025-04-05 02:08 am (UTC)That's right. At least getting rid of it for good.
[oddly, it's the fact that he had guessed that that really gets her. it took her so long to get around to that thought at all. she hadn't thought he'd had any idea of it, and it's dark enough that she'd been reluctant to bring it up. it all is, but...]
...We haven't talked about you, either. How are you getting out of it?
[all this talk about helping her tie up loose ends, but in a way, she has so many resources and abilities to try to figure all of that out. he's going back to fight a monster, too.]
cw: implied suicide
Date: 2025-04-05 02:47 am (UTC)Ah — well. [His eyes flick down to their conjoined hands.] I think the simplest way to go about it is to make sure we've got as close to a full number as we can, without rewinding the clock back too far.
[No saving Stan, I don't think. Can't show up as a stranger on his doorstep begging him to put down the razor several days early. He'd just look crazy. Maybe push him quicker to it.
And there's a funny way the world kept twisting itself around them. All those coincidences, laid in place by whatever mildly gracious force guided them and by Pennywise himself. Derry would reorder itself so It might better its odds. Best to keep it simple. Best to keep the timeline tight.]
Which means I'll go back a few hours, at best. Stick it out with Mike at the library, so he doesn't get cut up like a Christmas turkey before he gets the chance to join the team. Maybe kill old Henry on the spot. Keep him from making it to the hotel in the first place.
[He feels a bit shameful, bringing up that detail again. But at least it's a detail she'd get, now. Could see the logic in, feel sound about his workaround.]
I mean, hell, if nothing else, at least now I've gotten some practice at it. Think I could grab a sword to go? I was quite handy with it last Thursday.
[For better or worse.]
no subject
Date: 2025-04-05 03:05 am (UTC)still, she'd meant what she said, about wanting to protect him from it. felt that most strongly after the awful experience, back when it felt like it was too real to have been a dream. instead, she might not ever even get to know if he made it.
she wants to ask him to just not, but it's hard to ask a question like that when you know the answer will likely be that he has to.]
You certainly have much more practice now. [she knows she obviously seems upset as he's talking and she really doesn't want him to feel as though it's because she doesn't believe in him. but it's a very hopeless situation for anyone, and he never really talks about it except when forced to.] It's not a bad plan, but I wish I could help.
no subject
Date: 2025-04-05 04:17 am (UTC)His thumb brushes over her knuckles. Useless affirmations.]
I know. Ditto for me and your big bad mess, too. [For all the good he'd do her. As much fun as it's been learning about the wide wondrous universe, he imagines he'd be nothing but a liability as a tagalong. And perhaps a miserable, lonely one at that. Fish out of water in all the worst ways, same as she would be in his neighbourhood.
More than that, though, his gaze flicks away and his mouth goes a bit dry. He can't quite explain it, but he feels that he must. Might as well, if nothing else but to get it off his chest.]
It might not work, if anyone else comes. Things...as much as I wanted to believe It was the only unusual thing about my world, there was something else kicking around, I think. Something that...oh, I suppose gave us a little push. Spooky things that worked in our favour. Hand selected us, even.
[A beat.]
I remember if other kids came around to play with a few of us, they felt less there somehow. Less important. And there were tiny coincidences — little magic tricks we pulled off. But only when the moment was right. When something else flowed through you. Sometimes we just knew things. Said and did things that didn't make sense, but saved our asses.
Even when we left town and all the memories drained clean out of our heads, it's like we got moved around on a chessboard. All six of us that split became wealthy. Pursued things that tied us to those childhood obsessions that saved our necks back in the day, instead of picking up new hobbies. A few of us married but not a one of us had kids. And not for lack of trying. The scars we picked up back then faded to nothing. Then when we heard we should go back, they faded in again. Same as the memories.
...But if something was throwing us a bone from beyond, then Derry itself was trying to undercut it. People...things would arrange themselves to trap you, too. Isolate you. Make people look the other way, or get in your way if you were cutting too close to It.
[Richie tapers off, frowning.]
All that to say, I'm just not sure that bringing along a surprise guest wouldn't tip things too far one way or the other. It feels a lot like things got preordained. I just don't know by how or who.
no subject
Date: 2025-04-05 04:36 am (UTC)squeezing hand hand back, anger welling up too along with some of the worry and sadness.]
I don't care what is preordained. All of you should not have to be the ones to fight it, you aren't mere chess pieces.
[but he is also probably correct in his assessment. if it's all some pointless proxy battle, if one side cheats, it's hard to say what the other side will be emboldened to do. and it isn't as though the unfairness of it justifies abandoning his friends and the town to all of it.]
no subject
Date: 2025-04-05 02:50 pm (UTC)Especially when they're practically peanuts compared to what happened to them. To her.]
Neither are you.
[She's been leashed worse than he has. Longer, with more lasting effects. And Richie's own folks hadn't been hurt by the things that lurk in Derry, while Shadowheart's were likely captive, maimed. She's lost damn near everything, and still she's here getting indignant on his behalf.]
But we gotta go play the part, don't we? It's not just our own lives on the line. [He lifts her hand then. Brings it to his lips for small kiss. For luck, maybe. For his nerves. It's not goodbye yet, but they're drifting towards by a matter of days.] If we could chuck a bomb long distance at the sons of bitches and skip off into the sunset, that'd be fine and dandy.
It's all just more complicated than that.
no subject
Date: 2025-04-05 03:34 pm (UTC)[it seems foolish to admit it when it doesn't change anything, but it's true. watching him kiss her hand, not bothering to try to hide that she really genuinely does mean it. she's not really one for duty, and all things considered that is probably for the best considering who she owed it to, but loyalty does matter to her. and it matters to him, too. but it would be nice to ignore all of that and only care about what she'd like for herself.]
...Gabriel seems to think some of us could find a way to see one another again. I don't know much about it, but one of my companions is quite a brilliant arcanist - if there's anyone I'd trust to tackle a problem this complex, it's him. [just ask a wizard to fix it seems like a lot to pin your hopes on, though, particularly when she first has to convince him not to kill himself, and when she has no idea whether it's something within the realm of possibility given the magic and technology that exists in her world.]
So maybe this is only temporary, and we'll feel very silly and dramatic for this when we beat our demons handily and then can meet for drinks in a month's time.
[that's a very nice thing to imagine, at least, even if it's hard to fully believe in.]
Does it make it easier or harder to go into tomorrow and the day after believing that could be true? [she genuinely isn't sure of the answer. a little easier, maybe, but she wouldn't blame him if he'd prefer not to hang any hopes on such an uncertain foundation.]
no subject
Date: 2025-04-06 04:52 pm (UTC)He chuckles at the thought.]
Sure. We'll be splitting pints and yucking it up over popping out of bloody balloons and giant boxes of chocolates every Thursday. I can see it crystal clear in my mind.
[It would be nice.
But if she's having doubts with firsthand exposure to the fellow, he's having more with secondhand anecdotes. It sounds lovely. A deus ex machina at the last minute, guaranteed to keep them connected. Maybe it'll be as she said, things will work out and they'll look like fools for crying about it. He just can't put all his eggs in that basket. Can't hope too hard and fall flat when she never shows. When no one does.]
Frankly my dear, I don't rightly know. [He purses his lips.] I guess I've come to a point where I feel we'll give it our all and whatever may happen, will. I hope there's a shot at it. Truly, I do.
I'm gonna miss you something fierce if not. [Always such a sap. It's been a matter of weeks in her company, even less for them deciding to make something of it. Knowing they'd be counting down the days. Flipping to the jubilant side of nihilism, as it were.] ...But even if this is all we get? I can't say I regret it. Not one bit.
no subject
Date: 2025-04-12 12:11 pm (UTC)cupping his jaw to kiss him at that, some mixture of happiness that he would say so and, well, regret. but not for choosing to become attached to him, to love him. only for being the person she is, holding part of that back all along instead of letting herself just have this because she was afraid of goodbyes.]
Even if this is all there is, I'll never regret that I got to meet you. At the very least, this has been something worth making sure I don't forget.
[because the one who is at risk of going home and losing all of her memories again is her, of course. but don't worry, it won't happen.]
no subject
Date: 2025-04-15 03:09 am (UTC)He smiles at the quip thereafter. Heartened but sad all the same.]
God, I hope so. I've had exes tell me quite the opposite.
[Since he got his blues out first. He kisses her again though, lightly, a bit selfishly.]
We're a bit stupid, weren't we? It's hard not to get attached, no matter what we did or didn't know.