Like on purpose. [though, given how she's been thinking about this all week, and given how much wis'adel knows, she'll add.] At least, that's what was explained to me! There's no way for me to actually know if they told the truth.
Hey. If it's like what happened to Jiaoqiu, do you want me to tell you what I remember happening?
[if it's like that-- well. she figures it's shadowheart's business whether she wants to hear about it. who knows if they were just getting fucked with, anyway?]
So, a lot of it I didn't remember at the time. It's a little fucked up in my head, I won't lie, I kept-- getting things blanked out again.
[just a disclaimer if she stops making any damn sense, because she knows it's liable to be a little rambly.]
But I can remember coming to in front of some kind of-- mirror, I think? Before they brought me to someone they'd restrained, and told me to make them repent. Said I didn't do it well enough before, even though I couldn't remember shit. And I tried, but she knew me, she acted all worried about me, so I tried a different tactic. [...] Some bitch with her face covered was like no, that's not right, your turn to get fucking stabbed, and put a knife through my hand.
I came to without remembering any of it, or even my name. Had to do it all again. Felt like total shit, like-- like it'd been longer, but I couldn't tell anything. They thought I did fine that time, except of course after I was done Anders had to give me shit!
[fuck you too anders (except not, because she does appreciate in retrospect that he gave her shit for it, but. like she'd just say it.)]
...I didn't remember him at all, but he said he always liked me the least the first day after I had my memory wiped. Guess it happened to me a lot. He told me complying's fine, but I took it pretty far, and that he was worried I'd like it. That I'd end up really being one of them, one of the people who just... wanted me to hurt whoever they told me to.
And then I forgot literally all of that again before I came to with Koharu. Wait, no, that was-- before?
Shit. Whatever. We all hunted down an artifact to destroy it, but it was actually a person, so, you know, not a great look for whoever wanted that done?
[this is a lot - as soon as wis'adel starts providing specifics, she's getting frightened. but there's something about wis'adel; she doesn't want to look like a coward to her. she doesn't want to admit she can't handle hearing this, isn't sure she wants to know about this.
so she sits and listens, her expression stilled, but her mind traveling miles a minute.]
...I know about the artefact that was actually a person. The rest I don't know. Perhaps something similar happened to me, and perhaps it didn't. I don't have any memory of that period of my life.
[so anything could have happened to her. and she could have done anything, too. it's terrifying, and hearing about torture and knives and making people repent is not doing much to soothe her fears.]
...hard to guess at whether they had a reason at all, but if things are supposed to line up, then I figure they must have, you know? Why else would Anders there have mentioned it was weird that I got blanked more often?
One of the only things I remember about my childhood was that I did have a friend there. A tiefling boy, Renauld. I can't remember anything else, other than his name and that we were friends, but...
[maybe it's relevant. also she actually doesn't even remember her name because she is trans and doesn't use that name anymore but this is the only memory shadowheart has of her. just noting that because i will use she/her pronouns for this character in metatext.]
So maybe it was true. We both went through these things together, but for some reason, they were focused on me. I wish I had insight into why.
Maybe I was particularly rebellious. [...] I actually thought this was something Shar said to anyone who attempted her trials, but she told me I was her chosen champion. [she really is god's favorite princess (derogatory)]
[so now she's wondering what the fuck that means.]
Maybe I was important to them in particular, for some reason. Though I truly cannot imagine why.
[thinking about that quietly for a few seconds, tail flicking.]
Then-- if she really wanted to keep you, maybe that was part of it? Keep blanking everything else out, make sure there's no chance you end up turning from her, or leaving. Remembering anything else but that.
The Nightsong was there for a century. Lady Shar sent those who wished to become Dark Justiciars to slay her again and again. She was immortal, so she always recovered from death eventually.
Somehow my meeting with her was different. Both Lady Shar and she seemed to believe that a death delivered by my hand would be her permanent end. And I don't know why that would be, but perhaps it has something to do with what Lady Shar wanted me for.
...we didn't do it, either. I used some spear we found to bust them out. But after that, we definitely had to get a move on, or I feel like we'd have been in some pretty deep shit.
[they didn't see whoever it was again, that's for sure.]
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branchandroot
no subject
Date: 2025-03-01 03:12 pm (UTC)[but that's a big part of why she can't exactly commiserate about things that happened to her. who knows what those things were.]
no subject
Date: 2025-03-01 09:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-03-03 01:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-03-03 03:42 pm (UTC)[considering, for a moment, before-]
Hey. If it's like what happened to Jiaoqiu, do you want me to tell you what I remember happening?
[if it's like that-- well. she figures it's shadowheart's business whether she wants to hear about it. who knows if they were just getting fucked with, anyway?]
no subject
Date: 2025-03-03 11:03 pm (UTC)[she bites her lip a little.]
...I'm not sure. Maybe it would be good to know. It's only that I really don't know what you might have seen.
no subject
Date: 2025-03-04 12:20 am (UTC)[this is-- not so much a favor, she thinks.]
But if it all lines up? I think it's the kind of thing you should consider hearing anyway.
no subject
Date: 2025-03-04 03:48 am (UTC)...Alright. Tell me.
no subject
Date: 2025-03-05 12:43 am (UTC)[just a disclaimer if she stops making any damn sense, because she knows it's liable to be a little rambly.]
But I can remember coming to in front of some kind of-- mirror, I think? Before they brought me to someone they'd restrained, and told me to make them repent. Said I didn't do it well enough before, even though I couldn't remember shit. And I tried, but she knew me, she acted all worried about me, so I tried a different tactic. [...] Some bitch with her face covered was like no, that's not right, your turn to get fucking stabbed, and put a knife through my hand.
I came to without remembering any of it, or even my name. Had to do it all again. Felt like total shit, like-- like it'd been longer, but I couldn't tell anything. They thought I did fine that time, except of course after I was done Anders had to give me shit!
[fuck you too anders (except not, because she does appreciate in retrospect that he gave her shit for it, but. like she'd just say it.)]
...I didn't remember him at all, but he said he always liked me the least the first day after I had my memory wiped. Guess it happened to me a lot. He told me complying's fine, but I took it pretty far, and that he was worried I'd like it. That I'd end up really being one of them, one of the people who just... wanted me to hurt whoever they told me to.
And then I forgot literally all of that again before I came to with Koharu. Wait, no, that was-- before?
Shit. Whatever. We all hunted down an artifact to destroy it, but it was actually a person, so, you know, not a great look for whoever wanted that done?
no subject
Date: 2025-03-06 01:40 am (UTC)so she sits and listens, her expression stilled, but her mind traveling miles a minute.]
...I know about the artefact that was actually a person. The rest I don't know. Perhaps something similar happened to me, and perhaps it didn't. I don't have any memory of that period of my life.
[so anything could have happened to her. and she could have done anything, too. it's terrifying, and hearing about torture and knives and making people repent is not doing much to soothe her fears.]
no subject
Date: 2025-03-06 11:33 am (UTC)There's no way to really know, so... would it change anything for you if it did?
no subject
Date: 2025-03-06 02:14 pm (UTC)Yes. I don't know if I want to know the specifics of what they did to me, and what I did for them, but I'd like to know why. Why me?
no subject
Date: 2025-03-11 04:56 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-03-11 01:02 pm (UTC)One of the only things I remember about my childhood was that I did have a friend there. A tiefling boy, Renauld. I can't remember anything else, other than his name and that we were friends, but...
[maybe it's relevant. also she actually doesn't even remember her name because she is trans and doesn't use that name anymore but this is the only memory shadowheart has of her. just noting that because i will use she/her pronouns for this character in metatext.]
So maybe it was true. We both went through these things together, but for some reason, they were focused on me. I wish I had insight into why.
no subject
Date: 2025-03-12 12:53 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-03-13 01:54 pm (UTC)Maybe I was particularly rebellious. [...] I actually thought this was something Shar said to anyone who attempted her trials, but she told me I was her chosen champion. [she really is god's favorite princess (derogatory)]
[so now she's wondering what the fuck that means.]
Maybe I was important to them in particular, for some reason. Though I truly cannot imagine why.
no subject
Date: 2025-03-13 04:26 pm (UTC)[thinking about that quietly for a few seconds, tail flicking.]
Then-- if she really wanted to keep you, maybe that was part of it? Keep blanking everything else out, make sure there's no chance you end up turning from her, or leaving. Remembering anything else but that.
no subject
Date: 2025-03-14 01:15 pm (UTC)[it's a very unsettling thought.]
The Nightsong was there for a century. Lady Shar sent those who wished to become Dark Justiciars to slay her again and again. She was immortal, so she always recovered from death eventually.
Somehow my meeting with her was different. Both Lady Shar and she seemed to believe that a death delivered by my hand would be her permanent end. And I don't know why that would be, but perhaps it has something to do with what Lady Shar wanted me for.
no subject
Date: 2025-03-14 06:18 pm (UTC)[wiš'adel has no idea how or why, but-- that seems likeliest to her. that shar had a need of her in some way.]
Did you do it?
no subject
Date: 2025-03-14 10:23 pm (UTC)[pursing her lips, though.]
I didn't. When it came down to it, whether I'd acknowledged it, my faith in Shar had been wavering for some time.
But I also didn't live long enough after to find out whether I'll ever learn anything from her.
no subject
Date: 2025-03-14 11:39 pm (UTC)[they didn't see whoever it was again, that's for sure.]
no subject
Date: 2025-03-15 12:13 am (UTC)[that's pretty much how it happened to her.]
I wasn't able to get out of there in time.