pc: marcoh

[sacredpath]

Comments

[boxcar]

Do you have concerns about your Judgment Day?

[ There IS a small ebb of anxiety when he thinks about it, but considering he's an honest to god church goer who actually believes in that kind of stuff. ]

[sacredpath]

I do, but primarily because... the idea of arguing for what I deserve is something that sits uncomfortably with me.

[boxcar]

I think there is little other picture perfect example of a redemption, at the very least, the definite beginning of one than yours.

[sacredpath]

[this is sweet, but she feels a bit uneasy.]

I wanted to shake off my history with Lady Shar. I don't want to attribute anything to some other god. I did not try to redeem myself.

[boxcar]

You are shaking her off. Her stuff didn't sound good for you.

They told me it was something about change. [ Glances at her hair. ] You'll go back to live your life differently. Definitely feels like it to me.

[sacredpath]

[she laughs and self-consciously touches her hair.]

We'll see. I want to trust in it, but I also don't want to hastily pledge myself to some other god's code of conduct. [except apparently god is gabriel and they've talked about this in detail so it's probably fine.]

What of you? You told me some of what you believed before. [his feelings about murder...] Has that changed?

[boxcar]

Like am I still a believer in Alll-mer? It is hard to just... not.

[ It's not like he's a SUPER devout, it's just... you know, he's his world's equivalent of an actual typical Catholic. It's hard to just kind of shake it off. ]

[sacredpath]

No, I mean...

[frowning at how to put it.]

When we talked before, it seemed that you felt that the things you had done were particularly sinful. And I didn't necessarily see it that way. I have killed people before because I had to in order to survive and protect those dear to me, and even if I return home, that won't change.

[it was to keep his sister alive, so she would not have judged what he decided to do. but then seeing how he was overcome with rage, wanting to avenge uruha, it made her if not question that, at least understand why he thought that path wasn't right for him.]

[boxcar]

[ It's... well, it's a lot for even him to dissect. He's always known he's more prone to anger than he'd typically admit, but that sort of gut-deep rage -- it's only been wrenched out of him twice. It's hard to try to justify himself in front of anyone like that, outside of the simplest nature of it: he snapped because he felt cornered past a breaking point, relating to somebody he loves but failed to protect.

At the time, he didn't feel bad for it. Refused to, even, because how could you, how dare you? But without the rage to turn it outwards into an all-consuming flame, all he has is an uncertain guilt. ]

Killing someone who doesn't deserve it is. And, even now, I still don't believe in hurting others.

But I know that might be hard to believe with how I acted.

[ It's hard for him to believe he's a good person when he has that kind of capacity to do harm. ]

[sacredpath]

I believe you.

[it's not hard for her to believe that at all, that's consistent with the marcoh she knows. there was just this other marcoh who was not only dead set on killing but so dead set on it that he seemed ready to turn on any of them violently for trying to interfere.]

Our guiding beliefs and principals aren't the same as what we do when backed into a corner. Nor should they, or else we would have nothing to aspire to.

Still, as much as I understand what you had to do for your sister, I think... the Marcoh I came to know is a gentle person, even if there have been times when it has not been possible to be one.

[boxcar]

[ Desire, capacity, and ability aren't always linear. But it's at least a little settling to hear Shadowheart say as much. He can't leap on it for validation but it's a kinder gesture than holding it against him. In the end, he really does think this heaven turned out to be full of kindness. ]

I don't know if that necessarily means I've changed. [ For the sake of redemption and stuff. He still feels mostly the same, very generally speaking... kind of worse if he were honest but that's experiencing trauma for you. ] But if it gets asked, I'll still do what it takes to get it.

[sacredpath]

As far as I understand, the entire purpose of this project was to allow us to see who we could become removed from the circumstances we were trapped in. I know I've done a great many terrible things, but it did not take much time around people other than Sharrans for that to start to change.

The only problem is that the experiences we had here didn't take us away from those circumstances.

[boxcar]

[ He nods... there is mild floating dread here. He did go off the rails spectacularly. Maybe the lesson is if he can bounce back from that surrounded by an actual support system but he's not going to just write excuses for himself. He'll see what comes Judgment Day, try not to be nervous and all. ]

... Thanks for talking to me, Shadowheart.