I spent a long time pretending that I was her devoted servant, all while believing fully that I was already lost in her eyes, that I'd been thrown away.
I didn't want to admit it outloud to anyone. It would make it more permanent, and I was still clinging to hopes I could somehow undo what I believed I'd done.
[she blinks to herself, finding herself a little confused the longer this conversation goes on - not remembering even what she was professing to believe, or whether it felt right.
[ This tracks, his views are in shambles too. But it's also probably an effect of him not being good at getting things across very well with words. All he's thinking about is how coercion to do what you don't like or else is not great. ]
I don't know much about your God or your beliefs, but... I've never had a family, I've never had siblings to care for. If I did, and anyone was trying to take that away from me, I'd fight for them with everything I have.
[so whatever the church might say, she doesn't judge him.]
[she doesn't have any specific reason to think it's not true.]
But they don't always tell the truth. So maybe part of me liked to think it wasn't. Even if realistically, that would only mean that the family I did have abandoned me or never looked for me.
[she never thought much about what it would be like to have a brother or sister, but when she sees fidelio and basilio, or hears marcoh talk about his, she does feel envious, even if in both cases it seemed to lead them to fear over losing them.]
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...I don't know.
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[she can't reassure him, but she does know.]
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[ Differences aside, she gets the whole religious aspect stuff. ]
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I spent a long time pretending that I was her devoted servant, all while believing fully that I was already lost in her eyes, that I'd been thrown away.
I didn't want to admit it outloud to anyone. It would make it more permanent, and I was still clinging to hopes I could somehow undo what I believed I'd done.
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[ That'd be blasphemous, he's pretty sure, to even try and claim the latter. ]
I don't know if that would make it better or worse.
...But Alll-mer did not make me kill, and I do resent the man who did.
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The man who did... how did he make you?
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He threatened my sister.
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[coercion is a little different, isn't it? it makes a difference.]
Were you able to save her, then?
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I was working on it. I am working on it.
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Then do whatever I can to be sure the Family will not be after her any more.
[ Add 'survive' to that list now that they know they're in some kinda fucked up murder tournament. He's got his work REAL cut out for him. ]
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[so whatever the church might say, she doesn't judge him.]
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[ What's that about. ]
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..."Supposedly". Do you doubt this?
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[she doesn't have any specific reason to think it's not true.]
But they don't always tell the truth. So maybe part of me liked to think it wasn't. Even if realistically, that would only mean that the family I did have abandoned me or never looked for me.
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...
I also do not have parents. I don't remember what happened at all. But I do have my sister, and everything I've done is my best to take care of her.
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You don't remember what happened?
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[ As far as anyone knows they're just GONE! ]
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