...The problem is, I'm struggling to know if what I'm feeling right now is really the real version of me. I can't say that I know who that is.
[right now she has these fears and worries, but maybe a moment later all that will be gone again.]
If you would want to listen to my worries, I suppose I don't mind.
[she nearly considered talking to him about it before, but then he was a cowboy who didn't seem to remember their conversation. which is not his fault because i wasn't going to go here on monday anyway.]
I don't remember much about my life. I was assigned an important mission, so I surrendered my memories so I could fulfill it without risking Lady Shar's secrets.
[...]
Although, I don't actually know that that's what happened. It's only what I was told happened.
I've always had difficulty with faith. [ traces his fingers around the rim of his glass. ] A god who asks you to erase part of yourself to serve her doesn't seem like a god worth serving, to me.
[he can really say what he wants. she wants to say what all of this really is, and hear others voice the thoughts she finds it hard to voice, that this isn't how things are supposed to be, that it doesn't have to be this way.]
She asks for more than that. When you said that your path involves finding... meaning, in people's pain, I think I understand what you meant, now. [that he can help people with their pain in some way, that he can find something worthwhile in that.] But for us, pain is the meaning.
Pain is the meaning... [ he repeats, thoughtfully. ] As a healer, that sounds nightmarish. Pain is not the point. It's the symptom to be cured. It's your body telling you something is wrong.
Is that what you want? To hurt and know that's your only purpose?
[there is really nothing about that that she really believes, or cares about, or supports in any way. there's nothing to it except that she had to, because she isn't anything other than this, she has no other sense of identity or purpose to hang onto. she has no one who knows her, she does not even know her own self in any genuine way, so failing at the only thing she did know about herself was impossible.]
She's supposed to - she's supposed to take it away. Those that truly embrace her, embrace pain, embrace loss. You don't relieve it, you experience it, until it transcends.
[she swallows, drumming her fingers against her glass.]
I'd begun to suspect that maybe that was all a lie I was taught. That it never stopped hurting, not for anyone, and they were only pretending to force us into submission. But it does stop. [or at least, there were memories she experienced, different choices she could have made, a different life, where that pain was gone. where she didn't doubt anymore. where she truly embraced shar, and all of the doubts and regrets vanished along with all of the parts of herself that wanted something different than what she had.]
[ he's all soft edges, now, as she speaks. of course, shadowheart isn't anything like brimstone in the least, but the one thread that strikes him is not knowing which direction to turn. he wants to help, and sometimes, all it takes is someone to listen. ]
Does it stop, or do you stop feeling it? There's a difference.
[ he glances at her. ]
Once you stop feeling the weight of pain and loss, it's so much easier to do terrible things.
[deep down in her secret, buried heart, she is a real corny ass person.]
I do doubt I can handle myself, much of the time, if we're being frank. [she'll admit it, since he's nice. she is kind of a mess.] Thank you. For the offer, and for being willing to listen to me.
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branchandroot
no subject
Date: 2025-02-28 01:35 am (UTC)[ he takes a sip of his drink. ]
... What sort of uncertainties are you having? Sometimes it helps to talk it through out loud.
no subject
Date: 2025-02-28 01:43 am (UTC)...The problem is, I'm struggling to know if what I'm feeling right now is really the real version of me. I can't say that I know who that is.
[right now she has these fears and worries, but maybe a moment later all that will be gone again.]
If you would want to listen to my worries, I suppose I don't mind.
[she nearly considered talking to him about it before, but then he was a cowboy who didn't seem to remember their conversation. which is not his fault because i wasn't going to go here on monday anyway.]
no subject
Date: 2025-02-28 01:52 am (UTC)he watches her for a moment, and then settles further into his chair. gets comfortable, so he can hear her out. ]
I'm always open to hearing your worries. [ a pause. ] You're not sure who you really are? That seems like an apt place to start.
no subject
Date: 2025-02-28 02:13 am (UTC)[...]
Although, I don't actually know that that's what happened. It's only what I was told happened.
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Date: 2025-02-28 03:04 am (UTC)You must have... a lot of faith, to just accept this. [ eyebrow raise. ] But to me, that sounds like a very good cover story.
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Date: 2025-02-28 04:05 am (UTC)...Possible. I haven't always, really, had as much faith in these things as I say I do.
no subject
Date: 2025-02-28 04:17 am (UTC)I've always had difficulty with faith. [ traces his fingers around the rim of his glass. ] A god who asks you to erase part of yourself to serve her doesn't seem like a god worth serving, to me.
My apologies for being blasphemous.
no subject
Date: 2025-02-28 02:22 pm (UTC)[he can really say what he wants. she wants to say what all of this really is, and hear others voice the thoughts she finds it hard to voice, that this isn't how things are supposed to be, that it doesn't have to be this way.]
She asks for more than that. When you said that your path involves finding... meaning, in people's pain, I think I understand what you meant, now. [that he can help people with their pain in some way, that he can find something worthwhile in that.] But for us, pain is the meaning.
no subject
Date: 2025-02-28 04:31 pm (UTC)Pain is the meaning... [ he repeats, thoughtfully. ] As a healer, that sounds nightmarish. Pain is not the point. It's the symptom to be cured. It's your body telling you something is wrong.
Is that what you want? To hurt and know that's your only purpose?
no subject
Date: 2025-02-28 11:22 pm (UTC)[there is really nothing about that that she really believes, or cares about, or supports in any way. there's nothing to it except that she had to, because she isn't anything other than this, she has no other sense of identity or purpose to hang onto. she has no one who knows her, she does not even know her own self in any genuine way, so failing at the only thing she did know about herself was impossible.]
She's supposed to - she's supposed to take it away. Those that truly embrace her, embrace pain, embrace loss. You don't relieve it, you experience it, until it transcends.
[she swallows, drumming her fingers against her glass.]
I'd begun to suspect that maybe that was all a lie I was taught. That it never stopped hurting, not for anyone, and they were only pretending to force us into submission. But it does stop. [or at least, there were memories she experienced, different choices she could have made, a different life, where that pain was gone. where she didn't doubt anymore. where she truly embraced shar, and all of the doubts and regrets vanished along with all of the parts of herself that wanted something different than what she had.]
no subject
Date: 2025-02-28 11:45 pm (UTC)Does it stop, or do you stop feeling it? There's a difference.
[ he glances at her. ]
Once you stop feeling the weight of pain and loss, it's so much easier to do terrible things.
no subject
Date: 2025-03-01 12:46 am (UTC)[it doesn't hurt anymore, does it? but she knows that he's still right.]
I don't want things to be that way.
no subject
Date: 2025-03-01 01:01 am (UTC)[ simply. ]
It's in your name, my friend - you have too much heart to fall to the shadow.
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Date: 2025-03-01 03:33 am (UTC)I'll try not to.
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Date: 2025-03-01 04:30 am (UTC)Good. And while I don't doubt that you can handle yourself, you are always welcome to lean on me should you need it.
no subject
Date: 2025-03-01 03:06 pm (UTC)I do doubt I can handle myself, much of the time, if we're being frank. [she'll admit it, since he's nice. she is kind of a mess.] Thank you. For the offer, and for being willing to listen to me.