[imagine she checks the top of the lighthouse first and then the bar. no, okay, weirdo. she decided between that midtrial and now that actually she's mad about it.
[ yea she should be mad about it! he's clearly still not over it. the bundle of emotions that were hard to parse in trial are clearer now. guilt, a sense of failure, and self-hatred. so far from his usual good vibes
[just lightly chiding. but going to sit. and sighing.]
I know it's even messier, now. [on the one hand, he was right. on the other hand, she still acted again, and if they hadn't caught akihiko, this would have been very scary.] But if anything, even though I think I understand, I wish you'd told someone else what you'd learned.
[he was not the right person to do this. on the other hand, she would personally feel rather cruel asking someone else to, even the ones like mizu and saber and wis'adel who seem enthusiastic.]
... I promised her I wouldn't. She was so scared, and asked me not to.
[ and there is that sense of guilt again, so strong. he doesn't regret what he did, because he does think he was right. but he hates that he had to break her trust to do it. that feeling of betrayal she'd felt—the echo of it sticks with him and breaks his heart over and over again. ]
I told her I'd ask the angels what we should do about it, under the guise of asking about last week. So I did.
I was told the same thing this week. I asked God if there was any way to avoid killing them, and the answer was rather definitive.
[but she understands. breaking that trust, that is the most painful part.]
It would have been nice to keep her trust in place, but... the real girl, the real version of her, would likely prefer her soul intact rather than her trust.
Frankly, I've spent much of my time this past week thinking through it could be who killed Zhongli. I know you've been doing the same. Laurence told me you were planning to try and see whether Claude was injured in some way.
[frowning at that, but it's a small pool that fits.]
And more than that, I have been thinking about what I would do, if I could find out for certain. If I did know, though, I don't believe I would have done any differently than what you did. Especially if the culprit is someone I care for, and some of the people on that list are people I care for very dearly.
The truth is, if you had brought it up to the group, we never would have reached a consensus on what to do in time.
Ah... we didn't get around to it this week. [ that injury check. what a week it's been! but... she's right otherwise. he has been trying to do that same search ]
... maybe we wouldn't have. [ agreeing, because there's a reason why he didn't announce that he was going to do it. most people had agreed with mizu's statement that sometimes a quick kill is better than execution, and he was one of them. that was all the sign he needed ]
I just wish I could've given her a gentler ending than that.
[a moment of pain and heartbreak, but maybe she's going to a place where those feelings can be healed.]
I think it would be a good thing, if you were to write her and apologize for breaking her trust. But beyond that, I don't know what more any of us could have done for her.
[she feels some skepticism at that. but it's fine. she will take some of her drink as well.]
Good. She may or may not forgive you, and that's her right. [which is not something she thinks he doesn't know, but - ] Meaning that if certain people do choose to forgive you, they have the right to choose that as well.
... that's okay. [ even if he feels unsure about it, like he does think he deserves worse ] I think... I'm not sure what I want. I don't want to be hated, even if I expect it.
But I also don't know if I can be forgiven so easily. [ frowns ] I'll... try not to be difficult about it.
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week 4; saturday
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though he did go ahead of her this week, giving her the option to not show up if she didn't want to ]
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she is here at the bar.]
Ah, you came on ahead.
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despite this, he just offers a sheepish smile ]
... I didn't want you to feel obligated.
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[just lightly chiding. but going to sit. and sighing.]
I know it's even messier, now. [on the one hand, he was right. on the other hand, she still acted again, and if they hadn't caught akihiko, this would have been very scary.] But if anything, even though I think I understand, I wish you'd told someone else what you'd learned.
[he was not the right person to do this. on the other hand, she would personally feel rather cruel asking someone else to, even the ones like mizu and saber and wis'adel who seem enthusiastic.]
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... I promised her I wouldn't. She was so scared, and asked me not to.
[ and there is that sense of guilt again, so strong. he doesn't regret what he did, because he does think he was right. but he hates that he had to break her trust to do it. that feeling of betrayal she'd felt—the echo of it sticks with him and breaks his heart over and over again. ]
I told her I'd ask the angels what we should do about it, under the guise of asking about last week. So I did.
[ they got their answer this morning and
well. ]
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[but she understands. breaking that trust, that is the most painful part.]
It would have been nice to keep her trust in place, but... the real girl, the real version of her, would likely prefer her soul intact rather than her trust.
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[ softly. even though he's clearly struggling with the results of what he did. he runs his fingers through his own hair, heaving a big sigh ]
I know there are things I could've done better. I believe that too. It was hard for me to think about things like votes at the moment...
[ he was so focused on just trying to save her ]
... even now it's hard for me to sort my thoughts.
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[frowning at that, but it's a small pool that fits.]
And more than that, I have been thinking about what I would do, if I could find out for certain. If I did know, though, I don't believe I would have done any differently than what you did. Especially if the culprit is someone I care for, and some of the people on that list are people I care for very dearly.
The truth is, if you had brought it up to the group, we never would have reached a consensus on what to do in time.
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... maybe we wouldn't have. [ agreeing, because there's a reason why he didn't announce that he was going to do it. most people had agreed with mizu's statement that sometimes a quick kill is better than execution, and he was one of them. that was all the sign he needed ]
I just wish I could've given her a gentler ending than that.
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[a moment of pain and heartbreak, but maybe she's going to a place where those feelings can be healed.]
I think it would be a good thing, if you were to write her and apologize for breaking her trust. But beyond that, I don't know what more any of us could have done for her.
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[ softly, because of course he did. he was penning it in his head while he was dissociating. he sighs again, and takes a sip of his drink ]
I asked Adolphe to look after her for me. Maybe he could do a better job than I did.
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Good. She may or may not forgive you, and that's her right. [which is not something she thinks he doesn't know, but - ] Meaning that if certain people do choose to forgive you, they have the right to choose that as well.
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... that's okay. [ even if he feels unsure about it, like he does think he deserves worse ] I think... I'm not sure what I want. I don't want to be hated, even if I expect it.
But I also don't know if I can be forgiven so easily. [ frowns ] I'll... try not to be difficult about it.