[ he smiles faintly at that and—briefly looks down to make sure he remembers which hand is bandaged—and then offers her the left one! that one's only bandaged at the wrist ]
I know. Will you do me a favor and monitor me while I take a walk to somewhere warm?
I don't think you're meant to be dead and not alive. I think you've been holding yourself apart from some of what it is to be alive. It's not some fate you're consigned to.
[and it's to protect himself, mostly, because pain and grief is also a part of being alive, and from what she's seen, perhaps his is too intense for him to bear. but it's him, not some objective truth.]
Yeah... At some point, I was... possessed by something. The Unmaker? And I thought... I had to destroy everything, which included trying to kill my friends.
It made me think for a second... even though I couldn't remember it—that everyone who said that I was possessed was right. [ rubbing at his face, even though there's gauze on his cheek like he forgot already ]
Like I was always meant to be manipulated by Death to hurt the people I love.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
yves looks at the rope a little nervously ]
I do but... I was just going to find a different place to sit. Really.
[ even he knows that if he tried to run around reassuring people he's okay they would refuse to believe him ]
no subject
...Alright. That's fine, as long as you really do take it easy. I am a healer, you know!
[a bad one without magic but still.]
no subject
I know. Will you do me a favor and monitor me while I take a walk to somewhere warm?
no subject
[she will take his less (>:() bandaged hand so they can walk.]
...How are you feeling?
no subject
... I get lost sometimes.
[ to be honest, even though he seems a little disquieted by it ]
I'm trying to remember who I am and who I'm not and... what is and isn't my fault.
no subject
Talk to me about it. I know who you are.
[maybe not entirely, but she's had to rely on that often enough - trusting that the people around her know her.]
no subject
... I'm dead. I feel like I'm always dead, and I'm always only sticking around to be with the people I love.
[ that feels consistent, and yet it bothers him that he lived another life and it... was still true ]
no subject
[but she knows that's not what he means by it.]
It was the same in what you saw in there?
no subject
[ that's not true. when he thinks it through logically. but right now the flickers of everything he knows are clashing against each other ]
But I... hurt them. I hurt all of them. I have to wrestle with that too.
no subject
[and it's to protect himself, mostly, because pain and grief is also a part of being alive, and from what she's seen, perhaps his is too intense for him to bear. but it's him, not some objective truth.]
The others? Marcoh, Jiaoqiu, Siffrin?
no subject
at her question, he nods. ]
Yeah... At some point, I was... possessed by something. The Unmaker? And I thought... I had to destroy everything, which included trying to kill my friends.
no subject
I'm sure that was hard on you. You know it wasn't your fault, don't you?
no subject
[ he's trying his best to be reasonable ]
It doesn't change that... I hated it. Being made into a puppet.
no subject
[but it does matter, to know that it isn't yourself you ought to be angry at, even if that's hard.]
no subject
Like I was always meant to be manipulated by Death to hurt the people I love.
no subject
[did he mess up the gauze already. but this is important, too.]
Those people were not right. And you haven't hurt anyone beyond what can be healed.