[she does sort of already understand some of these things about him. that's why it hurt so much, to watch him offer his life to a man who took a person he loved from him. to be able to do that, with a smile, could simply mean being especially gracious and forgiving, but to her, it felt more that he'd tortured himself into a shape where his own feelings weren't allowed to matter.
she mainly just didn't realize that he knew he'd done that to himself.]
Well, I don't think what you're describing sounds like a good thing to do to yourself, but I don't think you're twisted.
[a bit hesitant, she doesn't want him to feel rejected by her, but she would be lying if she claimed she liked this.]
I think you're wonderful. But I'd still think so if you were a bit more angry or selfish or petty sometimes.
[though maybe it's hard to say that and know how true it is. of course it meant something to her, that he's always been willing to listen to her, always shown care towards her so easily, always saw a better side of her than she knew was there. she started to rely on his kindness, but if that kindness is only something he's forcing himself to show out of a desperate loneliness, how can she say she knows she would have felt the same way about a less open, less caring version of the same person.
the answer is probably only that you can't overthink these things. it isn't as though she didn't know there was something fragile and messy about who he is.]
[ the self-awareness is a double-edged sword. people are so kind here, to the point that it makes him want to believe it's true. that maybe if he was normal, he still would've been loved. but... it's so easy to doubt. even when he doesn't want to. if he still felt things like hatred and contempt, and turned that against people who harmed him, would he still be worth loving? isn't it safer to exist here, as an oddity of a person, knowing that this is how he receives the care he wanted so badly? ]
... thank you. [ it means something that she'd say so, even if just to comfort him. he'll reach out for her hand again, just to hold. then, just to try to lighten the mood: ] I have been told I get a bit pouty sometimes, you know.
[ but even that's only playful—only enough to be charming or endearing ]
But... I don't know if I can change anymore. Sometimes I want to, sometimes I don't. I just thought...
After all you've shared with me, and how much care you've shown me... I wanted you to know.
You're not at the top of the list of anyone I'd consider morose.
[the hand is okay. she'll smile, letting him lighten the mood, but she feels sad for him.]
Thank you for telling me. [she tries to think of what to say. she'd like to reassure him, but the question is whether he can ever even really believe the kindness he's shown in return, when he knows how much he had to change himself this much to receive it.]
Changing is hard. And you don't have to try. But if you did choose to try, you would not lose my friendship.
[ it's reassuring to hear as is, even though it can be hard to believe. yves looks thoughtful about it, and ultimately he knows he can't give an answer right now.
what he can say with all sincerity is: ]
Thanks. Really. I really do treasure you, you know.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
she mainly just didn't realize that he knew he'd done that to himself.]
Well, I don't think what you're describing sounds like a good thing to do to yourself, but I don't think you're twisted.
[a bit hesitant, she doesn't want him to feel rejected by her, but she would be lying if she claimed she liked this.]
I think you're wonderful. But I'd still think so if you were a bit more angry or selfish or petty sometimes.
[though maybe it's hard to say that and know how true it is. of course it meant something to her, that he's always been willing to listen to her, always shown care towards her so easily, always saw a better side of her than she knew was there. she started to rely on his kindness, but if that kindness is only something he's forcing himself to show out of a desperate loneliness, how can she say she knows she would have felt the same way about a less open, less caring version of the same person.
the answer is probably only that you can't overthink these things. it isn't as though she didn't know there was something fragile and messy about who he is.]
no subject
... thank you. [ it means something that she'd say so, even if just to comfort him. he'll reach out for her hand again, just to hold. then, just to try to lighten the mood: ] I have been told I get a bit pouty sometimes, you know.
[ but even that's only playful—only enough to be charming or endearing ]
But... I don't know if I can change anymore. Sometimes I want to, sometimes I don't. I just thought...
After all you've shared with me, and how much care you've shown me... I wanted you to know.
no subject
[the hand is okay. she'll smile, letting him lighten the mood, but she feels sad for him.]
Thank you for telling me. [she tries to think of what to say. she'd like to reassure him, but the question is whether he can ever even really believe the kindness he's shown in return, when he knows how much he had to change himself this much to receive it.]
Changing is hard. And you don't have to try. But if you did choose to try, you would not lose my friendship.
no subject
what he can say with all sincerity is: ]
Thanks. Really. I really do treasure you, you know.
no subject
[honestly. whether he was playing some role or not, he really did help her want to try and change.]