pc: yves

[sacredpath]

Comments

[noirges]

Then... don't? [ a little lightly, and with a gentle smile. he squeezes her hand ] No one can make you do things you don't want to do, here. You can try out living for yourself a little.

I know it felt happy to live that way but... maybe there's multiple paths to happiness.

[sacredpath]

[a slightly more strained smile, remembering him without any part of his face hidden, talking about how he'd changed.]

...What about you? Do you hope for that future?

[noirges]

... yes?

[ he should sound more certain, but he doesn't. ]

I have a good time being alive. I enjoy myself, and I like meeting people. I just... The more I talk it through, I don't think going back to my life as it was... would be what heals me.

[ a contemplative pause ]

... I don't really care about deserving Heaven, but I don't really wanna go back to life. I just... want to be with the people I care about, and at home, they've all already died.

So I guess... I'm trying to figure out where to go from here, but it's surprisingly difficult to find a reason to live.

[sacredpath]

I do understand that. [there are complicated reasons to want to live or die, but at the end of the day.] It does sound as though the problem may be less your desire to live and more your desire to return to a place where people generally treat you poorly, though.

[even if adolphe makes it more complex than that.]

I meant whatever he was. The version of you they made to take your place. Would you want to become someone else?

[noirges]

They started being nicer to me eventually... [ but. he does understand the overall point. he just huffs faintly at the question ]

You mean a Reliver... I actually wanted to, for a really long time. When you go through the process, all injuries disappear after all. I thought that was the only way I could find someone to love me.

[ even if it meant that he couldn't experience that feeling in return. maybe that was the real show of his desperation and selfishness ]

... I don't think I'd take it anymore, though.

[sacredpath]

I hope you wouldn't. I hated seeing you like that.

[even if she claimed to have liked it at the time.]

How much you feel for other people is among your finest qualities, even when you take it vexingly far. It would be a poor trade.

[noirges]

... I think we're both just learning the consequences of how far we'd go for love.

[ even if yves being a reliver was less of a choice in that specific situation, it's interesting to him to go through the feeling of it. or the... non-feeling of it.

and all the concern he gets from his friends after. ]

But if we're making requests... I hope you look for other options, too. [ and he'll bring their hands up, pressing a brief kiss to her knuckles ] I like watching you have fun here, teasing others and making connections that don't require sacrifice.

I think it suits you.

[sacredpath]

[aww. she blushes a little, smiling at that. it's a sweet sentiment, but more than anything, it makes her happy to know that he sees her that way.]

Alright. Then let's both of us look for better options.

week 2, post-trial

[noirges]

[ okay he's easy to find. he's waiting outside the church looking thoughtful but also

like he's intentionally making himself easy to find in case people are worried. when he sees you approach he smiles a little sadly and waves ]

Hi. [ holds out a hand ] Time for drinks?

[sacredpath]

[you're so thoughtful yves but in such an insane way. she will wave back, like she's a little unsure that's the right response.]

Say no more. Let's go.

[noirges]

[ he really is so crazy

he'll just take her hand in his as they walk to the bar ]

... what're your thoughts?

[ everyone must have so many ]

[sacredpath]

Hmm...

[she's not even sure how to put it into words. the spike of adrenaline and then the crash.]

It's easy to forget, for a lot of the time that we're in there. It feels good to realize what must have happened, like making progress or fighting back. And then at the end, there's someone to accuse, and the reality of how awful it is is like a surprise every time.

[noirges]

[ he nods... there's just this sad little smile on his face ]

... yeah. It's like a puzzle, but then... you encounter that the person we're looking for really is someone we've grown to care for.

And there's no way around that.

[sacredpath]

No.

[she was really very, painfully, embarrassingly glad that it wasn't him. but then, it's not as though the truth was kinder.]

Are you feeling alright, after your close call?

[noirges]

[ raises brow ]

I am. Really.

[ because he thinks that some people are going to doubt him, but. ]

... though I think I do need to explain a little bit more about myself, given how worried people get. If it'll ease their worries.

[ given all his blood everywhere every week ]

[sacredpath]

It would be nice to know why you're bleeding so frequently, yes.

[it would ease some worries. yeah.]

[noirges]

Right?

[ but he still laughs about it! annoying!! they make it to the bar and yves will just let go of her hand to go behind it, looking for a wine. as he does so, he speaks ]

Mm... I don't bring it up because I think it worries people, but this time I think it worried people in the other direction.

But... I don't feel pain. I haven't in years. So normally I don't get injured much because I am a good fighter... but when I do, it takes longer to heal because I don't notice when I re-open them. Dying from a fight to the death meant... a lot more to re-open.

[ and he walks on his injured leg without blinking, making it worse. like now. ]

[sacredpath]

[she feels some degree of pain most of the time, so this is hard to imagine.]

Why is it that way? Is it from when you were injured?

[noirges]

[ he finds a bottle of wine and pours two glasses, offering one to her ]

.... it was a little after the fire. I still remember feeling pain during a few moments that followed. But I think... one day, after being rejected by so many people who I cherished...

Something in me just—broke.

[ oh trauma. but he says it so simply, because to him that's what happened. a failure to process pain after enduring so much of it.

letting go of these sensations that would crush him if he continued to feel them. ]

[sacredpath]

[she lets him pour the glass, but she just watches him, doesn't move to drink.]

Oh, Yves.

[it's funny, because what he's describing is something she was taught to believe in, to even hope for. other forms of happiness are an illusion, but shar can offer a path to transcend pain, to experience it so deeply that it no longer feels like pain. she did start to wonder, though, if this was nothing but a lie, an excuse, a carrot dangled to suggest there was a future in this path that didn't hurt.

it seems he experienced it, but it doesn't look beautiful, and it doesn't seem as though it actually freed him in any way from hurting.]

I think you may just feel it in a different way, but that's awful. I'm sorry.

[noirges]

[ yves thinks about it as he looks down at the bar counter. does he feel it in a different way? ]

... my heart does ache for people. I do get sad and disheartened. All other physical sensations are intact too.

[ as far as he knows, anyway. but he seems to hesitate for a second as he tries to figure out if he has the courage to say more. shadowheart has been so kind to him, and that is both the reason why he wants to trust her and the reason why he is so afraid to lose her if she decides he's too strange.

ultimately, he wants to hope. ]

But... one day when I was younger... I realized how badly I wanted to be loved. So I decided to try to cope by loving everyone, in hopes that someday someone would love me back. I know it sounds childish and bizarre but...

Ever since then, I let go of feelings of anger. Hatred. Contempt. Anything that might make me harder to love.

[ everyone always talks about how yves is so absurdly kind, to the point that it's insane.

and it is. he is insane - and severely traumatized. ]

I do think I'm an abnormal person. I don't expect anyone to say sorry for it. After all, I'm the one who's twisted.

[sacredpath]

[she does sort of already understand some of these things about him. that's why it hurt so much, to watch him offer his life to a man who took a person he loved from him. to be able to do that, with a smile, could simply mean being especially gracious and forgiving, but to her, it felt more that he'd tortured himself into a shape where his own feelings weren't allowed to matter.

she mainly just didn't realize that he knew he'd done that to himself.]

Well, I don't think what you're describing sounds like a good thing to do to yourself, but I don't think you're twisted.

[a bit hesitant, she doesn't want him to feel rejected by her, but she would be lying if she claimed she liked this.]

I think you're wonderful. But I'd still think so if you were a bit more angry or selfish or petty sometimes.

[though maybe it's hard to say that and know how true it is. of course it meant something to her, that he's always been willing to listen to her, always shown care towards her so easily, always saw a better side of her than she knew was there. she started to rely on his kindness, but if that kindness is only something he's forcing himself to show out of a desperate loneliness, how can she say she knows she would have felt the same way about a less open, less caring version of the same person.

the answer is probably only that you can't overthink these things. it isn't as though she didn't know there was something fragile and messy about who he is.]

[noirges]

[ the self-awareness is a double-edged sword. people are so kind here, to the point that it makes him want to believe it's true. that maybe if he was normal, he still would've been loved. but... it's so easy to doubt. even when he doesn't want to. if he still felt things like hatred and contempt, and turned that against people who harmed him, would he still be worth loving? isn't it safer to exist here, as an oddity of a person, knowing that this is how he receives the care he wanted so badly? ]

... thank you. [ it means something that she'd say so, even if just to comfort him. he'll reach out for her hand again, just to hold. then, just to try to lighten the mood: ] I have been told I get a bit pouty sometimes, you know.

[ but even that's only playful—only enough to be charming or endearing ]

But... I don't know if I can change anymore. Sometimes I want to, sometimes I don't. I just thought...

After all you've shared with me, and how much care you've shown me... I wanted you to know.

[sacredpath]

You're not at the top of the list of anyone I'd consider morose.

[the hand is okay. she'll smile, letting him lighten the mood, but she feels sad for him.]

Thank you for telling me. [she tries to think of what to say. she'd like to reassure him, but the question is whether he can ever even really believe the kindness he's shown in return, when he knows how much he had to change himself this much to receive it.]

Changing is hard. And you don't have to try. But if you did choose to try, you would not lose my friendship.

[noirges]

[ it's reassuring to hear as is, even though it can be hard to believe. yves looks thoughtful about it, and ultimately he knows he can't give an answer right now.

what he can say with all sincerity is: ]

Thanks. Really. I really do treasure you, you know.